It's been a while since the last post and I do apologize. Don't know if it's the weather, work or my meds, but I have been so exhausted. I've been sleeping in. Going to bed early. No matter what, I'm always sleepy. I'm working to remedy this, so for now, I'm just dealing.
Sleepy or not, tons of great things have happened. So let's play catch up shall we.
Sadly I was not able to make it home for the holidays. My own fault. I didn't have many days left to take off, so I decided to just wait until the new year to see my family. That way I can have a good amount of quality time to play with the kids and hang with everyone.
Luckily for me, I have my Commune Family. I was able to hang out with Megan, Charlie, and her parents who all gathered here at the house for the holiday. Charlie was a beast and made dinner which was insane! I offered up my culinary skills and made ice cream using the Jaberpa's ice cream maker. PS... I need one of those so bad! It was awesome! I followed a recipe I had saved on Pinterest for a "Burnt Caramel Bourbon Ice Cream." So tasty!
I also watched Frozen for the first time. As well as was forced to watch A Christmas Story by Meg's dad. It was basically on in the background, and I played games on my tablet. I've just never been interested in it. I know all the main points that are always used in pop culture, but I just don't care to actually watch it.
Of course I did get to spend time with my real family. On Christmas Eve when the family gathered at mom and dad's, I Skyped in with them during dinner and the unwrapping of presents. It was so much fun. I danced with my nieces as they played with my parent's dancing Santa. Brought out my guitar so I could play along with the girls as they played Reagan's new drum set. I am so thankful for technology. Though I may be far from home, I can still participate in activities and see how big the kids are getting. Which by the way, they need to stop!!!! Stay tiny kids. Stop getting taller than me!! #ShortPeopleProblems
There are so many other things I want to write about, but I'm honestly so tired I can't even think. So let me just quickly say that I am thankful that I continue to meet fabulous people through work and the AFSP. I love being able to hear people's stories and be able to tell them mine. I look forward to more opportunities to be able to help others, meet others, and spread the word about something I feel so passionate about.
Ok. Sleepies.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Unexpected Moment
On my way to work today, I did my normal routine and was going through the list of things I needed to take care of in the week to come. One of those items on my list was to reach out to friends and ask if they would join me on my Overnight Walk this June.
First friend on my mind... Megan Smallwood.
As I was stuck in traffic, I decided that instead of emailing her, I'd give her a call right then. What happened next was something I wasn't even expecting.
I've known Megan since I was 10. She has always been a wonderful combination of everything you'd want in a friend. A sweet soul; brilliant mind; great sense of humor. The one thing she has always been though for me, is a source of strength.
As we were going through those oh so angsty teenage years, she was always one of the people I turned to. We have similar mindsets when it comes to emotional things, and always knew how to help push the other one through a rough patch. Whether that be chocolate milk after school, or just laying on her family's trampoline looking at the sky... we had each others' backs.
So when I called her today, I was shocked when I began to cry. My simple request for her to be a part of my team turned into an unexpected emotional moment. I couldn't help but choke up as I let her know how much she has meant to me in my life, and the idea of walking without her just didn't feel right.
There were many times when we were younger that she was there when I was in the deepest of my depression pits. Obviously at the time we did not know that was what they were, but she was always there. And now she will be there with me on the walk, having become the third official member of my team.
Thank you Smallwood from the bottom of my heart for dealing with my tears not only today, but over the past 20 years. You said you would always be there, and you've never let me down.
First friend on my mind... Megan Smallwood.
As I was stuck in traffic, I decided that instead of emailing her, I'd give her a call right then. What happened next was something I wasn't even expecting.I've known Megan since I was 10. She has always been a wonderful combination of everything you'd want in a friend. A sweet soul; brilliant mind; great sense of humor. The one thing she has always been though for me, is a source of strength.
As we were going through those oh so angsty teenage years, she was always one of the people I turned to. We have similar mindsets when it comes to emotional things, and always knew how to help push the other one through a rough patch. Whether that be chocolate milk after school, or just laying on her family's trampoline looking at the sky... we had each others' backs.
So when I called her today, I was shocked when I began to cry. My simple request for her to be a part of my team turned into an unexpected emotional moment. I couldn't help but choke up as I let her know how much she has meant to me in my life, and the idea of walking without her just didn't feel right.There were many times when we were younger that she was there when I was in the deepest of my depression pits. Obviously at the time we did not know that was what they were, but she was always there. And now she will be there with me on the walk, having become the third official member of my team.
Thank you Smallwood from the bottom of my heart for dealing with my tears not only today, but over the past 20 years. You said you would always be there, and you've never let me down.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Days to Come
Strangely enough, just as I was describing some new methods for me coping with the upcoming trial, I was put in a position this week where I had to utilize them.
My "Fight or Flight" senses were peaked this past Friday while out in Boston with some friends. The night was going great. Drinks... karaoke... laughter. Then while we exited the bar at closing time... police lights, sirens, cruisers blocking streets. No bueno.
In my head, I knew it was more than likely for some protest situation that has been frequent as of late on Boston streets. People marching against police brutality in the wake of the recent deaths of unarmed black men at the hands of white police officers. Still though, it doesn't stop your head from taking you to your worst fears.
Within seconds, I felt like I was back. Being pushed across the bridge. Wondering what was happening. If my friends were okay. My body tensed up as I remembered being on lock down in my old apartment. The cops with guns around my house. The helicopters overhead. These moments replaying completely in my head.
So I took a breath. Closed my eyes. Nothing.
No cabin. No farm house. No garden.
Thankfully I had my friend's arm. I grabbed his hand. Held on tight, and just continued to breathe.
I understand why I couldn't go there. Dealing with the stories at work is way different than being thrown in to a real life situation. It did make me sad though that I had a night where I had gone in feeling safe in the city I love, only to end it with fear.
These days will inevitably continue. No doubt about that. I can say though that I felt proud of myself for attempting to find my safe place during a scary situation.
On a lighter note, because that is technically the whole point of this blog. Things have been going well. I have had great opportunities to hang out with my coworkers more. Meet new people. Check out new things.
The best part, finally being able to begin work as a Field Advocate for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I finished my orientation online, and have already been getting the information needed to help push for legislation that can help those in need. I have also nearly reached a quarter of my goal for the Out of the Darkness Overnight! Such a fantastic feeling, especially when I'm still more than 6 months away from the event. Not only that, but I will be attending a breakfast this week at a local college along with the head of the Eastern Massachusetts AFSP Chapter. While there, we'll have the opportunity to network with people from some of the major companies across our area, as well as rub elbows with the Governor for our cause.
Completely humble brag I swear! I'm just extremely excited to be a part of such a wonderful cause that carries such a powerful message.
Interested in helping out? Check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention online. You can also help me reach my $1,000 goal for the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk this June. Click here to donate and read up on my team, and how we're are looking to #StopTheStigma of mental illness.
My "Fight or Flight" senses were peaked this past Friday while out in Boston with some friends. The night was going great. Drinks... karaoke... laughter. Then while we exited the bar at closing time... police lights, sirens, cruisers blocking streets. No bueno.
In my head, I knew it was more than likely for some protest situation that has been frequent as of late on Boston streets. People marching against police brutality in the wake of the recent deaths of unarmed black men at the hands of white police officers. Still though, it doesn't stop your head from taking you to your worst fears.
Within seconds, I felt like I was back. Being pushed across the bridge. Wondering what was happening. If my friends were okay. My body tensed up as I remembered being on lock down in my old apartment. The cops with guns around my house. The helicopters overhead. These moments replaying completely in my head.
So I took a breath. Closed my eyes. Nothing.
No cabin. No farm house. No garden.
Thankfully I had my friend's arm. I grabbed his hand. Held on tight, and just continued to breathe.
I understand why I couldn't go there. Dealing with the stories at work is way different than being thrown in to a real life situation. It did make me sad though that I had a night where I had gone in feeling safe in the city I love, only to end it with fear.
These days will inevitably continue. No doubt about that. I can say though that I felt proud of myself for attempting to find my safe place during a scary situation.
On a lighter note, because that is technically the whole point of this blog. Things have been going well. I have had great opportunities to hang out with my coworkers more. Meet new people. Check out new things.
The best part, finally being able to begin work as a Field Advocate for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I finished my orientation online, and have already been getting the information needed to help push for legislation that can help those in need. I have also nearly reached a quarter of my goal for the Out of the Darkness Overnight! Such a fantastic feeling, especially when I'm still more than 6 months away from the event. Not only that, but I will be attending a breakfast this week at a local college along with the head of the Eastern Massachusetts AFSP Chapter. While there, we'll have the opportunity to network with people from some of the major companies across our area, as well as rub elbows with the Governor for our cause.
Completely humble brag I swear! I'm just extremely excited to be a part of such a wonderful cause that carries such a powerful message.
Interested in helping out? Check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention online. You can also help me reach my $1,000 goal for the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk this June. Click here to donate and read up on my team, and how we're are looking to #StopTheStigma of mental illness.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
A Safe Place
This past week at therapy, Robin and I started discussing ways for me to cope with my PTSD during the upcoming trial of Dzokhar Tsarnaev.
I had told her weeks ago how worried I am about potentially having a panic attack while at work. Being surrounded by the events being replayed in live tweets from court, having to write stories based on it for months on end... not exactly the easiest thing to deal with.
Robin found a method she thought may work for me, as well as let me use my creativity. She asked me to sit down, and imagine the places I feel safe. Where can I find solace when in despair? Is there anyone with me? What is it about it that makes me feel protected? Here's what I discovered.
The Farm House
Many times my mind will take me back to where I grew up.
First, I see the back yard as if I were sitting on top of my old swing set. The big green grassy area, leading to the old chicken coop. Right behind that, my tree house, which was just a large tree that had been struck by lightning. The wood pile to the right, just before the acres of land leading to the tree line.
Next, I'm standing in my tree house. The half of the tree that had fallen. The burn marks. The bits of broken glass bottles we had found in the woods. The planks of wood we used for shelves. Boysenberries from the bush that blended in with the fallen tree. The limbs of the tree, surrounding me in a blanket of safety. I can hear the leaves rustling in the wind, and feel the dirt on my bare feet.
Then there is the lilacs bushes. Our farm house had the biggest, most beautiful lilac bushes I had ever seen. There was a pair though right next to our house that joined together in a colorful dance. Where they joined left the perfect amount of room for my child-sized body to fit in. It was always used in games as the secret entrance to a new world. A place where my imagination could roam free.
The Cabin
Another place I like to visualize is the view from the porch of my Uncle's old cabin. It was on one of the Great Lakes, sitting high above the water. There was a white fence along the cliff, lined with flowers. I can feel the breeze coming off the lake. The sound of the seagulls. How mesmerized I was with the massive container ships that would pass in the distance. I could sit and stare at the water for hours in silence. That's saying a lot for this talker.
The Garden
My mind also takes me to my Grandma's garden when I need a safe place. It was a small garden that wrapped around the fence in her back yard, but to me, it was big and impressive. Colorful roses, red geraniums, black-eyed susans... all lining the metal fence, leading to the tall wooden red fence in the back. The grass here was always like a soft blanket on my feet. Protection from the hot cement of the driveway on summer days. The sun always seemed to hit her yard, even though there were so many trees around it. She always had a planter hanging from the garage back there with more geraniums flowing over the edges. And every Spring, a bird would inevitably build there nest in there. A perfect place to hide their eggs from the elements and prey, but just reachable for me to sneak a peek when the babies were born. It never felt like we were in the city.
After Thoughts
What I learned was the places I feel safe are all places from my past. Places that had significant meaning to me in some way or another. Places of great joy.
Not only that, but when I described all these places to Robin, I kept saying "we." When she asked who I was talking about, I told her it all depended on the location. At the Farm House, it's Jen, my best friend growing up. At the Cabin, it's Uncle Richard. In the Garden, it's of course Grandma. And at every location, my family... Mom, Dad, Jay and Phil. Now I never see them when I visualize these places, but I know they are there. I feel their presence, and that helps calm me.
I can't say I see one place more than another when I shut my eyes. Nor do I have a true reason for why these places come to mind. I could've picked anything, even created my own safe place. Instead, I went back to where as a child I felt overwhelmed by how extraordinary my surroundings were. Places where my imagination ran free. Places where the pain of the world never reached me. That's where I feel safe.
I had told her weeks ago how worried I am about potentially having a panic attack while at work. Being surrounded by the events being replayed in live tweets from court, having to write stories based on it for months on end... not exactly the easiest thing to deal with.
Robin found a method she thought may work for me, as well as let me use my creativity. She asked me to sit down, and imagine the places I feel safe. Where can I find solace when in despair? Is there anyone with me? What is it about it that makes me feel protected? Here's what I discovered.
The Farm House
Many times my mind will take me back to where I grew up.
First, I see the back yard as if I were sitting on top of my old swing set. The big green grassy area, leading to the old chicken coop. Right behind that, my tree house, which was just a large tree that had been struck by lightning. The wood pile to the right, just before the acres of land leading to the tree line.
Next, I'm standing in my tree house. The half of the tree that had fallen. The burn marks. The bits of broken glass bottles we had found in the woods. The planks of wood we used for shelves. Boysenberries from the bush that blended in with the fallen tree. The limbs of the tree, surrounding me in a blanket of safety. I can hear the leaves rustling in the wind, and feel the dirt on my bare feet.
Then there is the lilacs bushes. Our farm house had the biggest, most beautiful lilac bushes I had ever seen. There was a pair though right next to our house that joined together in a colorful dance. Where they joined left the perfect amount of room for my child-sized body to fit in. It was always used in games as the secret entrance to a new world. A place where my imagination could roam free.
The Cabin
Another place I like to visualize is the view from the porch of my Uncle's old cabin. It was on one of the Great Lakes, sitting high above the water. There was a white fence along the cliff, lined with flowers. I can feel the breeze coming off the lake. The sound of the seagulls. How mesmerized I was with the massive container ships that would pass in the distance. I could sit and stare at the water for hours in silence. That's saying a lot for this talker.
The Garden
My mind also takes me to my Grandma's garden when I need a safe place. It was a small garden that wrapped around the fence in her back yard, but to me, it was big and impressive. Colorful roses, red geraniums, black-eyed susans... all lining the metal fence, leading to the tall wooden red fence in the back. The grass here was always like a soft blanket on my feet. Protection from the hot cement of the driveway on summer days. The sun always seemed to hit her yard, even though there were so many trees around it. She always had a planter hanging from the garage back there with more geraniums flowing over the edges. And every Spring, a bird would inevitably build there nest in there. A perfect place to hide their eggs from the elements and prey, but just reachable for me to sneak a peek when the babies were born. It never felt like we were in the city.
After Thoughts
What I learned was the places I feel safe are all places from my past. Places that had significant meaning to me in some way or another. Places of great joy.
Not only that, but when I described all these places to Robin, I kept saying "we." When she asked who I was talking about, I told her it all depended on the location. At the Farm House, it's Jen, my best friend growing up. At the Cabin, it's Uncle Richard. In the Garden, it's of course Grandma. And at every location, my family... Mom, Dad, Jay and Phil. Now I never see them when I visualize these places, but I know they are there. I feel their presence, and that helps calm me.
I can't say I see one place more than another when I shut my eyes. Nor do I have a true reason for why these places come to mind. I could've picked anything, even created my own safe place. Instead, I went back to where as a child I felt overwhelmed by how extraordinary my surroundings were. Places where my imagination ran free. Places where the pain of the world never reached me. That's where I feel safe.
Monday, November 24, 2014
The Ups and Downs
Don't feel like writing, but have to get it out.
Today I had a sit down with our new News Director about my interest in producing. As you can probably guess, it didn't go too well. In fact, it kind of irritated me.
Not going to go into detail, but it started with him snidely asking why I wanted to be a producer "now." As in my decision was random and only just came to me. I politely, yet firmly told him this wasn't an "on the whim" decision, I've wanted to be a producer for a while, and my EP and our old News Director knew it. I went on to say they supported it, and that's why I had been trained and allowed to fill in. He then went on to basically tell me he would be rotating out most of our current producers, and he'd be bringing in new people.
It was just not something I had expected today. And the news was obviously disheartening. All of us love what we do, and we admittedly say how much we love working together, We are like a legit family. However with the way things have been going lately, we don't know how long we will all be together. Which is sad because the new company seems so awesome to work for, but the decisions being made by the news director are really taking a toll on all of us. Several backhanded comments. Snide remarks. Just not a nice environment to work in right now. And it isn't just me, a lot of us are feeling it.
My chest has physically hurt since talking with him. Just a weight of anxiety and sadness. And wroth all the new stuff we are having to do, with a VERY limited staff, taking a Clonapen is completely out of the question. So there I am, left with dread in my heart, trying to help my friends as much as I can, with what little I feel like I can give at this moment.
And when it rains, it pours. The Ferguson ruling was made tonight. Riots everywhere. Angry calls, emails, messages. Buildings being burned, property destroyed, people hurt. The images, just so shocking. I knew that no matter what the decision was going to be from the grand jury, people would not be happy. But it never makes sense to follow violence with violence. I just hope it all ends soon.
So with my heavy heart, I will now go to sleep. Hope for a better day tomorrow. Focus on remaining strong to make sure I don't fall back in to my pit.
Today I had a sit down with our new News Director about my interest in producing. As you can probably guess, it didn't go too well. In fact, it kind of irritated me.
Not going to go into detail, but it started with him snidely asking why I wanted to be a producer "now." As in my decision was random and only just came to me. I politely, yet firmly told him this wasn't an "on the whim" decision, I've wanted to be a producer for a while, and my EP and our old News Director knew it. I went on to say they supported it, and that's why I had been trained and allowed to fill in. He then went on to basically tell me he would be rotating out most of our current producers, and he'd be bringing in new people.
It was just not something I had expected today. And the news was obviously disheartening. All of us love what we do, and we admittedly say how much we love working together, We are like a legit family. However with the way things have been going lately, we don't know how long we will all be together. Which is sad because the new company seems so awesome to work for, but the decisions being made by the news director are really taking a toll on all of us. Several backhanded comments. Snide remarks. Just not a nice environment to work in right now. And it isn't just me, a lot of us are feeling it.
My chest has physically hurt since talking with him. Just a weight of anxiety and sadness. And wroth all the new stuff we are having to do, with a VERY limited staff, taking a Clonapen is completely out of the question. So there I am, left with dread in my heart, trying to help my friends as much as I can, with what little I feel like I can give at this moment.
And when it rains, it pours. The Ferguson ruling was made tonight. Riots everywhere. Angry calls, emails, messages. Buildings being burned, property destroyed, people hurt. The images, just so shocking. I knew that no matter what the decision was going to be from the grand jury, people would not be happy. But it never makes sense to follow violence with violence. I just hope it all ends soon.
So with my heavy heart, I will now go to sleep. Hope for a better day tomorrow. Focus on remaining strong to make sure I don't fall back in to my pit.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Spreading the Word
I am excited to announce that I am now on my way to helping fight the stigma of depression and the terrible turn it can take.
Today, I had an amazing meeting with a woman named Kerry. She is the head of the Boston chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. We met in Arlington for brunch/coffee to discuss volunteer options for me with the chapter.
Kerry was so sweet and easy to talk to. We ended up having a lot in common so the conversation just flowed. I told her my story. She told me hers. It was nice to sit and talk with someone else who understood the challenges of this disease. It was a warming reminder that I am not alone.
So when we finally got down to business about ways I could help, I was floored with her suggestions. Based on my experience in production and working events, she suggested I join one of their upcoming committees to help out at an event next year. It's called A Sip in the Park, a beer and wine tasting experience held at Fenway. Can we say heaven!? I was quite honored that she would suggest something so big right off the back. My head is completely exploding with excitement over the potential to help such a great cause with such a mind-blowing event!
Not only that, she suggested with my writing background and my fearlessness talking about my struggle openly that I consider becoming a Field Advocate for the AFSP. In that position, I would help the AFSP spread the word about helping others with mental illness, educating them on how to see the signs of depression, as well as help create/promote public policies that would help those who have been impacted by mental illness. Such an incredible opportunity to make a difference!
I have already begun, in a way, by discussing sponsorship opportunities with work to be a part of this great organization. Many of my coworkers have already offered to join in the Out of the Darkness Walk with me this coming June. Just one of the many reasons I love where I work. We are a family. We support each other. And luckily, we all want to make a difference in the world.
I'm ready to get started. I'm ready to tell my story. I'm ready to help make a change.
Check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's website for more on the Out of Darkness Walk, and other ways you can help in erasing the stigma of mental illness.
Today, I had an amazing meeting with a woman named Kerry. She is the head of the Boston chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. We met in Arlington for brunch/coffee to discuss volunteer options for me with the chapter.
Kerry was so sweet and easy to talk to. We ended up having a lot in common so the conversation just flowed. I told her my story. She told me hers. It was nice to sit and talk with someone else who understood the challenges of this disease. It was a warming reminder that I am not alone.
So when we finally got down to business about ways I could help, I was floored with her suggestions. Based on my experience in production and working events, she suggested I join one of their upcoming committees to help out at an event next year. It's called A Sip in the Park, a beer and wine tasting experience held at Fenway. Can we say heaven!? I was quite honored that she would suggest something so big right off the back. My head is completely exploding with excitement over the potential to help such a great cause with such a mind-blowing event!
Not only that, she suggested with my writing background and my fearlessness talking about my struggle openly that I consider becoming a Field Advocate for the AFSP. In that position, I would help the AFSP spread the word about helping others with mental illness, educating them on how to see the signs of depression, as well as help create/promote public policies that would help those who have been impacted by mental illness. Such an incredible opportunity to make a difference!
I have already begun, in a way, by discussing sponsorship opportunities with work to be a part of this great organization. Many of my coworkers have already offered to join in the Out of the Darkness Walk with me this coming June. Just one of the many reasons I love where I work. We are a family. We support each other. And luckily, we all want to make a difference in the world.
I'm ready to get started. I'm ready to tell my story. I'm ready to help make a change.
Check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's website for more on the Out of Darkness Walk, and other ways you can help in erasing the stigma of mental illness.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Lessons Learned
I've recently been under an intense amount of stress. Worrying about the new company taking over at work. Worried about what would happen to the job I love, the people I care about, the lives we have created there.
Lesson Learned #2: I will do things when I'm ready, because that's when I will have the confidence and the ability to take control. Trying to push myself into something I'm not ready for will just make it worse. I know when I'm ready. Now I'm ready.
So here's what's going to happen...
Apologies for any typos and shiz... didn't feel like proof-reading. Just had to let it all out!!
Since the takeover, things have been pretty good. Obviously there have been confusion and craziness with getting on the tech stuff online with the new systems. Other than that, pretty satisfied with it all in all.
The company seems to really care about its employees and comes off with almost a southern hospitality feel when we have had meetings with the higher ups. All the employees who have come to talk to us from Cox have said everything I needed to hear to make me feel good about this. They talk about the family feel. How they've been with the company for years and how much they enjoy working for them.
Part of their benefits include ways to make yourself better. Educational programs, health programs through insurance. Tons of incentives to be a better you. Incentives I am gladly taking part in.
Lesson Learned #1: Don't sweat what you can't change. Go with the flow... until you know.
Through all this, I have gained a lot of weight. Not as much as I thought til I weighed myself to join in one of these programs, and DAMN! I'm at the worst I've ever been. The thing though, I haven't noticed.
When did this happen? I'll tell you. My constant midnight runs for Taco Bell, McD's, anything fried. Why? Because of how stressed I was. I felt the need to fill myself with what I feel is comfort food, no matter how bad it is. French fries. Ice Cream. Cheesy Gorditas. I knew this wouldn't make me better, but at the time, any form of comfort was appreciated.
Also at the time, I wasn't feeling bad about the way I looked. I still don't. I was shocked when I finally got on a scale and saw how much I had gained.
When I first began gaining, it was when I got on a set of meds that seemed to really be doing the trick. I was happy. My mind wasn't focused on the frivolous stuff that use to overwhelm my life. One of which was my weight. I knew I was gaining back the weight I had gained, but I didn't care. I continued to say that and still believe in it. When I am ready, I'll start losing it. For months I was too involved in the stresses in my life and stuck to things that made me smile. My crafting, playing games, hanging with friends, cooking for friends.
So with these new incentives from Cox, I felt that now is the time. I'm ready to make a change. I'm ready to make myself better in other ways. I'm not wanting to lose the weight, but I'm wanting to get control back of my body. I want to be healthy. And the program they offer is great. Lots of tips that aren't telling me what to do, but advice on how to make myself better and to get through this. The program even takes into consideration my depression.
I'm confident this is what I need. Another reason I feel this new company is just what I need to make myself a better person.
So here's what's going to happen...
- I have joined back up at the gym right down from the house.
- I plan on setting my alarm to wake up in the morning to attend classes 5 days a week.
- Through Cox, I have signed up for weight loss help, and already have been given a plan that I know I can handle.
- I'm back up on MyFitnessPal so I can see exactly the good and bad of my daily activity/inactivity.
Apologies for any typos and shiz... didn't feel like proof-reading. Just had to let it all out!!
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Escaping in the Craft(ing)
No more clarity
the moments I have that are happy are fleeting
so sick of having to deal with this
The days you wish you could just go away never end
I just sit there in bed or playing on my computer wishing for a life that I don't have
nothing really seems to bring joy anymore
I still sit there with a smile
pretend it's all okay
but inside I'm wondering when this will all end
That was a random rambling of thoughts I had on my way home from work the other week. So many things were running through my head that I had to take out my phone and do Voice-to-Text just to get them out.
When I say "when this will all end," I'm not talking death, so don't worry. I mean the constant fluctuation in my moods. The depression is getting to be terrible. I'm only feeling "meh" on most days. Also doesn't help that I've had this sinus infection bringing me down. Also too many unknowns going on in life and at work that really have my head frazzled. I do have happy times. However it doesn't take long for them to disappear and I just remain quiet.
Some of my happiest moments are being a recluse in the craft room. I know it's not good to hide away, but it seems to be the only time when I am out of my head, and focusing on something that completely takes all the thoughts away.
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| Vanity at the start |
Once I'm done, I'll definitely post pictures.
However my time crafting has me looking for other hobbies that will keep my busy, be beneficial, and give me a creative outlet. So for my new endeavor, I'm planning on making my own clothes. I know crazy, but also in a way smart. I always have a hard time finding exactly what I want. When I do, it's typically never in a size that works for my body, or extremely pricey so I don't buy it. To remedy all that, I decided that I will invest in a sewing machine, and try my hand at making my own clothes. Obviously I'm not planning on being amazing from the start. But from humble beginnings testing out revamps of shirts/skirts/pants, I'm hoping I'll be able to work up to something nice.
Anyway, it's just for me. If it's not perfect, that's okay. It's the process of working through it that counts.
Below are some of the other things I have worked on for my room.
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| Lamp I redid. Was Black with Silver Shade |
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| Ikea Side Table. Use to be all black. |
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| Side table bits and mirror I painted. |
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| Vanity stool. Was also once black. |
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| Finished side table and lamp. |
Monday, September 15, 2014
Just Smile
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| My co-blogger |
So today I felt it was extremely important to sit and remember back on the good that happened today, just what this blog is about. Here's what I came up with.
I woke early to my normal alarm clocks. Bear and Indie. Those lil butts cannot stand for me to be in bed, but when I wake, they love they give is so heartwarming. They are also continuing to get closer, or at least deal with each others presence in the house. I was able to walk around the house today, followed by both boys, with no animosity between them. There were also several instances where they would sniff each others faces and didn't seem disgusted. PROGRESS!
I also received a call from my brother Phil today. It had been a while since we chatted and since he also works a weird schedule like me, he was able to call when I was at home. We talked about the girls, our upcoming goals, our family, and just about everything else. It was awesome, and I was so happy he called.
Then we come to this... cake.
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| Holy amazing tasty goodness! |
At work as I felt myself getting more angry at stupid shit
and really beginning to feel down, I realized how I had forgotten to grab the remaining cake. I began to get down on myself for that because I felt it would be a great treat for when I got home and needed to unwind. But alas, I failed.
When I got home, I went through my normal routine of feeding Indie, letting Bear lick the spoon, then off I went to try and find something to eat. As I turned the lights on to cook up some Bread Cheese to go with a glass of Malbec, on the counter what do I see? CAKE! My Commune Companions came through and must have dropped it off with Caitlin when she got home. Best neighbors ever for the win!
So now as I sit here with cake, cheese, chips, and wine... I can't help but think that though I am off my game and not feeling happy, there is always something to smile about.
Sara Bareilles singing Smile at the Emmy's. Beautiful and worthwhile.
(Don't mind the audio from memoriam tribute)
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Good Deeds
The main mission of this blog when I began was to focus on the good things that happen everyday. Today was no exception.
I have been feeling pretty lousy lately. Constant headaches. Lethargic. Not interested in doing things. I've been feeling this boiling up, so I don't know if it is my depression, sickness, or both. I ended up staying in bed all morning. Constantly falling back to sleep until I absolutely had to wake up and get ready for work (which I honestly almost called out, yeah feeling that bad).
Having slept in I did not make myself dinner for work, nor had I ate at all. I decided to stop by Whole Foods to grab some food that would hopefully perk me up. A quesadilla, and my favorite carrot cake.
While there I ran in to one of my coworkers. She is always a huge support system for me. We gave a quick hello as I was running to get in to work. As I was getting ready to pay for my food, she ran up in the line, told the woman my money was no good today, and bought my meal. I fought. She insisted. The workers and people in line just laughed. So I let her.
I was extremely grateful. Even thanked her again at work. She said I'm constantly doing a lot for them, and it was the least she could do for me. It was so sweet.
Then I mentioned on Facebook and Twitter how wonderful it was to have someone do a random act of kindness for me on a day that started bad. After prompting the show, I came back to my desk to find a sweet treat left by another coworker.
Seriously?! How am I so lucky to work at such a fabulous place?
I was also complimented by our News Director yesterday for all the help I've been offering to the web team as they have been short staffed... as well as still doing my job.
It was such instances that put smiles on my face through these days that I have been feeling down.
Once again, I am just so thankful for where live has led me, and the people I have been so fortunate enough to meet.
Continuing the fight with these people by my side makes the battle less difficult.
I have been feeling pretty lousy lately. Constant headaches. Lethargic. Not interested in doing things. I've been feeling this boiling up, so I don't know if it is my depression, sickness, or both. I ended up staying in bed all morning. Constantly falling back to sleep until I absolutely had to wake up and get ready for work (which I honestly almost called out, yeah feeling that bad).
Having slept in I did not make myself dinner for work, nor had I ate at all. I decided to stop by Whole Foods to grab some food that would hopefully perk me up. A quesadilla, and my favorite carrot cake.
While there I ran in to one of my coworkers. She is always a huge support system for me. We gave a quick hello as I was running to get in to work. As I was getting ready to pay for my food, she ran up in the line, told the woman my money was no good today, and bought my meal. I fought. She insisted. The workers and people in line just laughed. So I let her.
I was extremely grateful. Even thanked her again at work. She said I'm constantly doing a lot for them, and it was the least she could do for me. It was so sweet.
Then I mentioned on Facebook and Twitter how wonderful it was to have someone do a random act of kindness for me on a day that started bad. After prompting the show, I came back to my desk to find a sweet treat left by another coworker.
Seriously?! How am I so lucky to work at such a fabulous place?
I was also complimented by our News Director yesterday for all the help I've been offering to the web team as they have been short staffed... as well as still doing my job.
It was such instances that put smiles on my face through these days that I have been feeling down.
Once again, I am just so thankful for where live has led me, and the people I have been so fortunate enough to meet.
Continuing the fight with these people by my side makes the battle less difficult.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Here's to the Ladies
Today I can't help but feel blessed at how I am surrounded by such strong women.
Work has been immensely crazy lately with the upcoming trade of ownership, and many people leaving ahead of it. All of us have had to double, even triple down on duties just to make sure everything gets done, and obviously in my business, the show is going on no matter what is going on behind the scenes.
Through this craziness, I have witnessed most everyone stepping up. However it is the work of my producer Aly that continues to motivate me to continue to be a producer. She has on several occasions had to act as executive producer for the 5/6p, as well as produce and EP her own 10/11p shows. The same goes for when Aly is gone. Our EP Kimmy will solo it all too... and that blows my mind!
Same goes for the ladies I work with who have to deal with this crazy life of news AND be wives/mothers. These women are so dedicated to work, but also to their families, and in this field, juggling both duties can be hard, but these women do it with a grace and attitude that is so inspirational.
I know I am just beginning in my producer duty, but if I could be anywhere near as awesome as these ladies for just one show, I'd be ever so grateful. I already am though just for the simple fact that these are the people I get to learn from, and work with daily.
My life has been filled with strong women. My mother, grandmothers, great-aunts, great grandmothers, friends. All of them have a story of how they overcame situations. I guess everyone does. I just love hearing those stories. It pushes me to move more towards my dreams when I see/think of all these wonderful women. How could I deny strength like that when I am surrounded by it?
Once again. I am so very thankful for the opportunities I have been given... especially where they have all led me, and for the amazing people I have met along the way.
Work has been immensely crazy lately with the upcoming trade of ownership, and many people leaving ahead of it. All of us have had to double, even triple down on duties just to make sure everything gets done, and obviously in my business, the show is going on no matter what is going on behind the scenes.
Through this craziness, I have witnessed most everyone stepping up. However it is the work of my producer Aly that continues to motivate me to continue to be a producer. She has on several occasions had to act as executive producer for the 5/6p, as well as produce and EP her own 10/11p shows. The same goes for when Aly is gone. Our EP Kimmy will solo it all too... and that blows my mind!
Same goes for the ladies I work with who have to deal with this crazy life of news AND be wives/mothers. These women are so dedicated to work, but also to their families, and in this field, juggling both duties can be hard, but these women do it with a grace and attitude that is so inspirational.
I know I am just beginning in my producer duty, but if I could be anywhere near as awesome as these ladies for just one show, I'd be ever so grateful. I already am though just for the simple fact that these are the people I get to learn from, and work with daily.
My life has been filled with strong women. My mother, grandmothers, great-aunts, great grandmothers, friends. All of them have a story of how they overcame situations. I guess everyone does. I just love hearing those stories. It pushes me to move more towards my dreams when I see/think of all these wonderful women. How could I deny strength like that when I am surrounded by it?
Once again. I am so very thankful for the opportunities I have been given... especially where they have all led me, and for the amazing people I have met along the way.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
What To Do
I've been having a difficult time these past few weeks. I've been feeling myself going downhill, and it's starting to come to a head. Though I am not dwelling on negative thoughts, I just don't feel happy. That's about it. No reason for it. Just feel wiped out, and I don't really want to be around people.
When I finished my craft corner, it was solely so I could have a place to get away from the world. Just sometimes you need to get away, and that's how I've been feeling lately.
I knew this was coming. It's crazy that I can now understand my feelings and know when this is happening. At least now I can tell myself it's just my depression, but it doesn't make it any easier. Last week I spoke to both my doctors about upping my meds and trying to work on how to handle moments like this. All I can do is sit and wait now for things to kick in, and continue to work on myself through the help of my therapist.
Don't have much more to say. Just feeling mentally exhausted and ready for my weekend. Ready for this feeling to go away.
When I finished my craft corner, it was solely so I could have a place to get away from the world. Just sometimes you need to get away, and that's how I've been feeling lately.
I knew this was coming. It's crazy that I can now understand my feelings and know when this is happening. At least now I can tell myself it's just my depression, but it doesn't make it any easier. Last week I spoke to both my doctors about upping my meds and trying to work on how to handle moments like this. All I can do is sit and wait now for things to kick in, and continue to work on myself through the help of my therapist.
Don't have much more to say. Just feeling mentally exhausted and ready for my weekend. Ready for this feeling to go away.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Time to Help Make a Change
Since the death of Robin Williams, I feel that there has been more verbalization about the impact depression and suicide has on people. Just the other day, I had to write a story at work about a new study that hit pretty close to home.
In earlier posts, I discussed how I never realized that the constant chatter in my head was not normal. I always was thinking about the past, about the future, dwelling on the tiniest things 24/7. The study found that young adults who had suffered depression when they were younger, were found to have "hyper-connectivity" between their emotional and cognitive parts of their brains. Basically meaning they over think things, without ever finding a solution. Not only that, but in people who have previously suffered from depression, it increases their chances of their depression reoccurring.
This all completely made sense to me. Why? Because this has been the way I have lived my entire life. I constantly over thought things. Never let things go. Always tried to find a solution to problems that weren't solvable. Even thinking about how if I had just done something different in the past, maybe my circumstances would be different now.
The really good thing though, the researchers who found this correlation in the brain of depressed people believe they can use it to better understand the illness. Even find new ways to predict, prevent, and treat depression.
All of this constant attention on the issue of depression lately has made me really want to get out there and do what I can to help others. I obviously am taking the time to speak about my journey here with all of you, but I want to do more.
Everyone has been doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenges lately, and the organization has had an astronomical amount of donations coming in. Then I saw this:
Yes, each of these illnesses is serious. Yes, they all deserve their donations. But it was the difference between deaths to donations that got me. There is barely anything going to suicide prevention. We need to do more than just share the Suicide Prevention Hotline for people to call. More must be done.
That's when it hit me. I want to help raise money for mental illness research. Looking around I found the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The AFSP is the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide. This was just what I was looking for.
Through their website, I was able to find several walks near my home that I can participate in to help the cause. Sadly, all the walks this year are when I'm scheduled to work. There is one event I have requested information for, and I really hope I can participate. It is the "Out of the Darkness Overnight." They choose two cities each year, one from each coast, and thousands of people take to the streets to walk 16-18 miles. The walk goes through the night, from dusk until dawn. It is meant to "help break the silence and bring the issues of depression and suicide into the light."
This is what I want to do. The walks may be done for this year, but I signed up to be sent information for when next year's walks are finalized. I want to help others like me get the help they need. See that even the person with a smile all the time, is in just as much pain if not more than those who outwardly show their suffering. I've been there. I understand. I am making my mission to help. One day at a time.
In earlier posts, I discussed how I never realized that the constant chatter in my head was not normal. I always was thinking about the past, about the future, dwelling on the tiniest things 24/7. The study found that young adults who had suffered depression when they were younger, were found to have "hyper-connectivity" between their emotional and cognitive parts of their brains. Basically meaning they over think things, without ever finding a solution. Not only that, but in people who have previously suffered from depression, it increases their chances of their depression reoccurring.
This all completely made sense to me. Why? Because this has been the way I have lived my entire life. I constantly over thought things. Never let things go. Always tried to find a solution to problems that weren't solvable. Even thinking about how if I had just done something different in the past, maybe my circumstances would be different now.
The really good thing though, the researchers who found this correlation in the brain of depressed people believe they can use it to better understand the illness. Even find new ways to predict, prevent, and treat depression.
All of this constant attention on the issue of depression lately has made me really want to get out there and do what I can to help others. I obviously am taking the time to speak about my journey here with all of you, but I want to do more.
Everyone has been doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenges lately, and the organization has had an astronomical amount of donations coming in. Then I saw this:
Yes, each of these illnesses is serious. Yes, they all deserve their donations. But it was the difference between deaths to donations that got me. There is barely anything going to suicide prevention. We need to do more than just share the Suicide Prevention Hotline for people to call. More must be done.
That's when it hit me. I want to help raise money for mental illness research. Looking around I found the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The AFSP is the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide. This was just what I was looking for.
Through their website, I was able to find several walks near my home that I can participate in to help the cause. Sadly, all the walks this year are when I'm scheduled to work. There is one event I have requested information for, and I really hope I can participate. It is the "Out of the Darkness Overnight." They choose two cities each year, one from each coast, and thousands of people take to the streets to walk 16-18 miles. The walk goes through the night, from dusk until dawn. It is meant to "help break the silence and bring the issues of depression and suicide into the light."
This is what I want to do. The walks may be done for this year, but I signed up to be sent information for when next year's walks are finalized. I want to help others like me get the help they need. See that even the person with a smile all the time, is in just as much pain if not more than those who outwardly show their suffering. I've been there. I understand. I am making my mission to help. One day at a time.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Everything Will Be Okay
Even with help, the thoughts still come through. I feel like I have been doing well with therapy and meds, but I can already tell my dosage needs to be increased. I am happy. My head stills seems clear. However I recently have been having my thoughts. Nothing bad. Just they sneak in there. I at least understand my disorder and can tell myself that it's just the depression. Still, it doesn't make it any easier.
Since being diagnosed, I have been on three different medications... each time testing out variations of dosages. That got me thinking, how long will this last? If I'm already feeling like something needs to change with my meds again, will this be my life? Moments of feeling good on a medication, thinking everything is alright, then months down the line it either loses its potency or makes me sick.
I know it helps. I understand the need to be on medication in my condition, but it doesn't mean I like it. And it really scares me that this is my life. But I want to be here, and know that this is what I have to do to keep the thoughts at bay. To keep my focus.
Speaking of focus, work could not be any better! My EP just told me yesterday the tentative schedule for me when she goes on her maternity leave. If all pulls through, I'll be producing the Saturday 6p show starting in October. Yes, it's only temporary, but hot damn is it amazing! I have only produced a few times, but it is definitely what I want to do. It is both thrilling and terrifying, but the more I do it, the easier it is getting, and my confidence with my choices for a show is definitely getting better. Also, I have been trained by such an amazing team of people, there was really no way I could fail.
I cannot express how grateful I am to have been given such opportunities in my life. I took a chance on myself, picked up my life, and left everything I knew and loved in Michigan without really knowing what would happen. The thing is, it has turned into the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
It's so funny. While thinking of how my life had changed since moving here on the drive home last night, I just so happened to see a shooting star. I have seen lots of them since living here. Thinking back, I couldn't remember if I had noticed so many when I lived in Michigan. Then shortly after that, I saw another! Two in 30 minutes. I am a person who believes in signs. Those, just solidified what I already was feeling... that everything will be okay.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Getting Back to the Habit... of Writing
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| The Happy Couple |
I am so thankful to have the most amazing friends ever. Last Wednesday I ventured out to Seattle to see a friend I have not seen in more than 15 years! Dani was a fellow dancer at the studio my brother Phil and I use to go to. Through the years we gradually slipped away from each other, but never out of each others hearts. Thanks to the glory of Facebook, Mom and Dani found each other... and we were all connected again.
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| Our Family! |
In the end, we met so many amazing people, reconnected with Dani, finally got to meet the man who has made his life more meaningful, and witnessed one of the most beautiful, meaningful weddings I've ever experienced. It was spiritual, full of love, and so intimate. Many tears were shed over how wonderful that ceremony was. I'm so glad to know that Dani is loved by so many, but honestly it's not that hard to believe. He is such a beautiful soul. :)
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| Momma and Me |
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| The Awesome Wedding Cake |
Honestly, it's what I've been hoping for by moving in to the apartment above my friends. Living alone for so long in the Watertown apartment was a bit unnerving, especially when you are left to your own thoughts... and they are usually dark. Now I'm able to see my friends, even if just for a second throughout the day. Knowing that I now have a roommate, and right downstairs my two dearest friends is really quite a relief.
Now we come to Monday. One thing I haven't told you about is that I am now producing at work. Still a writer, but filling in when help is needed. I cannot express how much I love it! Anyhoo... I came in to work following my vacation to hear from my Executive Producer Kimmy that when she heads out for her maternity leave, my schedule is going to get shifted a bit so I can help out more producing. My mind exploded! As I said earlier, I cannot express how much I love to produce, and being in a field where I have the opportunity to learn and work with such amazing people is more than remarkable.
Everyday is a blessing in its own way. Something new is always right around the corner... we all just need to remember that.
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| It's Official! |
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| Helping Prep |
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| Chihuly and the Space Needle |
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| Chihuly!! |
Sunday, August 17, 2014
You're Not Alone
So it's been a while since I wrote, but not uneventful.
Obviously the world was shocked at the unexpected death of Robin Williams. Though devastating to lose such a talent, it has brought awareness to depression. The disease that sadly led him to take his own life. The night of his death, it hit me pretty hard. In fact, many of my friends who suffer from depression also spoke of how it impacted them, because we've all had that feeling before. The feeling of wanting to die.
Depression doesn't always lead to suicidal thoughts, but when they occur, it's scary. You feel helpless. Unloved. Unwanted. Like nothing you ever do is good enough. And it doesn't matter how many people you had supporting you, the feeling is there. It mutes out everything. I can sit here and write out the feeling of being trapped in a world where the sound of hatred and despair surround you, but it does not even graze the surface.
When I was first diagnosed, I couldn't believe it. How could I be clinically depressed? However, it began to make sense. Major Depression is defined as such, "A constant sense of hopelessness and despair is a sign you may have major depression, also known as clinical depression. With major depression, it may be difficult to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy friends and activities. Some people have clinical depression only once in their life, while others have it several times in a lifetime."
My every waking moment was consumed with such feelings. Not knowing that it was from a disease, I thought these feelings were normal. Believed everyone felt this way. Boy was I wrong.
Once I was diagnosed and began treatment through therapy and medication, everything changed. When I finally got on the right combination, I was able to think clearly. All of a sudden the loud voices and constant nagging in my head went away. It was so astonishing to be able to sit with friends, enjoy conversation, and not have anything get in the way of just enjoying the moment. Clarity was something that I had never had. No matter what I was doing, there was always the thoughts clouding my mind. Never could I focus on what was going on. Now, I can.
I'm not saying that I don't sometimes feel those moments. There are never fully gone, but at least now I know what it is, and I try can handle it. I know to tell myself it'll be fleeting, and it's only my depression talking.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know it is hard. I know it can feel helpless. And though we all deal with things differently, this is how I deal with mine, and I hope it can give someone an idea of how they may be able to help themselves. That though you feel alone, you're actually not. There will always be someone there to help you out. Someone will always listen. And I understand it's hard to hear someone say this when you feel as you do, but you are honestly not alone.
If this has gone on a random way, I apologize. I'm jet-lagged and been meaning to get this down. So I'm just spewing it out. I just felt it needed to be said. Though you feel you're alone, you're not. There are many of us fighting this battle. We can get through this.
Obviously the world was shocked at the unexpected death of Robin Williams. Though devastating to lose such a talent, it has brought awareness to depression. The disease that sadly led him to take his own life. The night of his death, it hit me pretty hard. In fact, many of my friends who suffer from depression also spoke of how it impacted them, because we've all had that feeling before. The feeling of wanting to die.
Depression doesn't always lead to suicidal thoughts, but when they occur, it's scary. You feel helpless. Unloved. Unwanted. Like nothing you ever do is good enough. And it doesn't matter how many people you had supporting you, the feeling is there. It mutes out everything. I can sit here and write out the feeling of being trapped in a world where the sound of hatred and despair surround you, but it does not even graze the surface.
When I was first diagnosed, I couldn't believe it. How could I be clinically depressed? However, it began to make sense. Major Depression is defined as such, "A constant sense of hopelessness and despair is a sign you may have major depression, also known as clinical depression. With major depression, it may be difficult to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy friends and activities. Some people have clinical depression only once in their life, while others have it several times in a lifetime."
My every waking moment was consumed with such feelings. Not knowing that it was from a disease, I thought these feelings were normal. Believed everyone felt this way. Boy was I wrong.
Once I was diagnosed and began treatment through therapy and medication, everything changed. When I finally got on the right combination, I was able to think clearly. All of a sudden the loud voices and constant nagging in my head went away. It was so astonishing to be able to sit with friends, enjoy conversation, and not have anything get in the way of just enjoying the moment. Clarity was something that I had never had. No matter what I was doing, there was always the thoughts clouding my mind. Never could I focus on what was going on. Now, I can.
I'm not saying that I don't sometimes feel those moments. There are never fully gone, but at least now I know what it is, and I try can handle it. I know to tell myself it'll be fleeting, and it's only my depression talking.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know it is hard. I know it can feel helpless. And though we all deal with things differently, this is how I deal with mine, and I hope it can give someone an idea of how they may be able to help themselves. That though you feel alone, you're actually not. There will always be someone there to help you out. Someone will always listen. And I understand it's hard to hear someone say this when you feel as you do, but you are honestly not alone.
If this has gone on a random way, I apologize. I'm jet-lagged and been meaning to get this down. So I'm just spewing it out. I just felt it needed to be said. Though you feel you're alone, you're not. There are many of us fighting this battle. We can get through this.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Moving On
Today marks one year from the end of one of the most hellacious weeks I've ever encountered. Endless hours at work. Countless tear-filled nights of wondering why/how this could all happen. Wishing the job I love so much didn't put me in the center of it.
One year ago today, I was trapped in my home, alone, while outside police and federal agents were flocking my town's streets, searching for the alleged Marathon Bombers.
I remember sitting on my floor, more in the center of my house, for fear of a potential stray bullet. Staying up all night with my family on Skype just so I wouldn't be "alone." Looking outside to see the usually bustling street completely quiet and eerie, except for the cop cars coming by once in a while, and the helicopters always overhead.
The worst part was knowing how close I was to potential danger. Not knowing where the last suspect was, but knowing he was way too close for comfort. Streaming the news online and seeing just how close all the action was, how close my coworkers were to me, but I was left a prisoner in what should be the place I find the most comfort.
Then when we thought it was all over, he was found within walking distance to my home. Yelling, gunfire, dogs, flashing lights... the helicopters. Too much, too close to home.
I continue to work on getting back to normal. Obviously a little difficult in my career. No way to get away from the stories. The footage. Remembering that day and how it all began a week before. I still get tense when I hear a helicopter. When I hear any sort of bang. Let's just say last 4th of July was not as pleasant as it should have been.
Yet we continue. We push on.
Today my street was filled with joy. Cars coming and going. Kids training at the batting cages next door. Others enjoying an Easter Egg scavenger hunt around the block. With my windows open, I enjoyed the sights and sounds. The smell of the fresh air. Enjoyed being able to walk outside with no fear. Knowing that everything will be alright.
One year ago today, I was trapped in my home, alone, while outside police and federal agents were flocking my town's streets, searching for the alleged Marathon Bombers.
I remember sitting on my floor, more in the center of my house, for fear of a potential stray bullet. Staying up all night with my family on Skype just so I wouldn't be "alone." Looking outside to see the usually bustling street completely quiet and eerie, except for the cop cars coming by once in a while, and the helicopters always overhead.
The worst part was knowing how close I was to potential danger. Not knowing where the last suspect was, but knowing he was way too close for comfort. Streaming the news online and seeing just how close all the action was, how close my coworkers were to me, but I was left a prisoner in what should be the place I find the most comfort.
Then when we thought it was all over, he was found within walking distance to my home. Yelling, gunfire, dogs, flashing lights... the helicopters. Too much, too close to home.
I continue to work on getting back to normal. Obviously a little difficult in my career. No way to get away from the stories. The footage. Remembering that day and how it all began a week before. I still get tense when I hear a helicopter. When I hear any sort of bang. Let's just say last 4th of July was not as pleasant as it should have been.
Yet we continue. We push on.
Today my street was filled with joy. Cars coming and going. Kids training at the batting cages next door. Others enjoying an Easter Egg scavenger hunt around the block. With my windows open, I enjoyed the sights and sounds. The smell of the fresh air. Enjoyed being able to walk outside with no fear. Knowing that everything will be alright.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Vulnerability
vul·ner·a·ble
[vuhl-ner-uh-buh
l]
adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt
Part of allowing the pain is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Letting yourself open up to someone on another level. Whether it be a friend, love interest, family member.
For me, I hate being vulnerable. Letting people in. I can't handle the pain, so I've always just avoided any circumstance that would put me in a vulnerable position. Avoid the things that would get me hurt. Over the past year though, I've learned it's much easier to be open. In fact, it's beneficial.
Since my break up nearly 2 years ago, I've slowly been working my way to complete vulnerability. Not that I want the pain, but I understand the necessity of it sometimes. All my life I've held everything in. Let people walk all over me. Sat quietly in a corner, not wanting people to know how I felt inside. That is until I'd finally explode. Have what my family refers to as "A Sitz Fit." Not very healthy, and damn would it put stress on everyone who unfortunately had to deal with them.
I finally started seeing a therapist shortly after I realized how bad I was. That I just needed someone who was outside my life, no judgement, just someone to sit there and listen. That was the easy part. It was when I decided to open up to my friends and family about how bad it was that was difficult.
How do you tell the people you love, the people who should be the ones you go to that you feel uncomfortable letting them in. That you want to not be here. You feel worthless. That you wish for death daily. Not only was it for fear of being vulnerable, but it was also the fear of making them think they weren't there enough, that they didn't do enough to help me.
Obviously, that's not how it is with depression. I cannot express how amazing the support group I have is. From my family home in Michigan, to my friends out here in Mass. Yet even with that overwhelming love, you still feel like you can't say anything.
When I finally did begin to tell my friends and family what was going on, it was not what I had expected or feared. You always will get the why's and how's of how did this all come up, but I just explain that nothing has ever led to it, it's just always there.
"You are the strongest person I know though, how do you not see that?"
"You are always so happy, why do you not want to be here?"
"I know tons of people who would be sad if you were gone tomorrow. Don't you know that?"
"How can you feel like a failure when you have done so much and have an amazing life?"
These are just some of the things I've heard when letting people in. And it's not that I don't see all these things that they point out. I really do understand all of that, but you can't tell my brain that. That certain area that is triggered to always be negative. The half glass empty asshole who won't get out of my head.
Either way. That asshole isn't going anywhere. I'm never going to get rid of him. He's just going to be the belligerent dick that won't get off the bus. But I'm learning how to cope with him, and tune him out as much as I can.
I sincerely feel like over the past few weeks I have made some really good improvements. Whether it be this new therapist or the meds, I've definitely been able to talk to people more when I feel the darkness swarming over me. And it has really helped.
Just the other day, I opened up to someone. A little about my depression, but mostly about my feelings. I don't think I've done that in the longest time. Telling someone exactly how I feel. Sort of helped that I a strong comfort level with them. Either way the point is, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I didn't know what was going to happen, and though I did not want to get hurt or hurt them or bring anything horrible to light, I felt if I didn't say something it would build up and hurt me more. And whether they truly heard what I was saying or not, it didn't matter. I said what I needed to say. I let them in, and I didn't hold back.
In the end, life is going to hurt. But what I keep hearing is that is how you know it's real. That you're doing it right. You're on a journey with consequences. Whether you choose to deal with them or try to avoid them plays a part in how you live. I've too long tried to avoid any sort of pain. Any sort of vulnerability. But not anymore. I just want to be alive.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
This is How It Feels
When I began this blog, it was a way for me to focus on the good in life during a very dark time. One good thing a day. That's all I wanted. Instead, this has turned into so much more.
I have recently been hearing a lot of positive feedback about the blog from people who read it, even those who don't. After writing Nothing to Fear, several people sent me messages. Many expressing their fears. How they too feel the same way I do.
Hearing from them felt almost uplifting. Not only did I feel a sense of support, but also that what I was writing may be helping other people. That maybe letting people in to what I face daily with my depression, could help others.
It was something I had never thought of until the other day at work. I was talking with my coworker Joe about how our blogs have been doing. A fellow coworker named Nicole overheard and asked what we were discussing. We told her and when she asked what they were about, she was shocked to hear mine was about my battle with clinical depression. Her face, struck with awe as she told me how "brave" I was to write about this. To let people in to something that is almost always a private fight. Telling me, "That's a strong thing to do."
I know I'm not the first to do this. Certainly won't be the last. I too was once moved by someone who I heard speak on the issue. Her name is Allie Brosh. She writes a humorous, autobiographical comic about her life, which of course includes her battle. I first heard her talk on NPR driving in to work one day. It was all light-hearted and fun in the beginning, but when she began to speak of her depression, it really hit me. I remember sitting in my car in the parking lot at work crying. I was completely moved hearing her describe the emptiness, helplessness, darkness of depression. Allie was saying everything I could never admit about my own pain. What it feels like. How you don't want to tell anyone. How there is no cause and effect to how you feel... it's just there.
Here is an excerpts from her interview on Fresh Air that really struck a chord:
GROSS: You write, some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. Were you trying to figure out why you were depressed and not coming up with a reason?
BROSH: You know, I think that there's a common misconception that depression is about something, or depression is sadness or some form of negativity. And it can represent a sadness or a self-loathing, as the first half of my depression did. And it actually contributed more - it sort of circled back on itself and made me dislike myself more because I was so sad, and I didn't know why, and I felt like I needed a reason.
You know, I would think, you know, there are people who have it much worse than me. I actually have a great life. Why am I feeling like this? Why can't I enjoy this? Why can't I feel happy, like I feel I should be? And it took me a long time to figure out that it was just - something was broken on a fundamental level. It wasn't - there was no reason behind it. It was just the way things were, the way my brain was at that point.
In the end, we all fight our own battles. Some quietly, others more loudly. I once was one of the quiet ones. Hard to believe I know. In fact, my friends and I would laugh when I would finally cry because my tears would only come from my left eye. Something we said was due to me holding back all the time, trying to be strong for others. But don't worry. I'm letting go, and letting the tears flow from both eyes now. And letting you in during the process.
Note: If you would like to hear Fresh Air's interview with Allie Brosh (I highly recommend it!), you can find that at the link below.
I have recently been hearing a lot of positive feedback about the blog from people who read it, even those who don't. After writing Nothing to Fear, several people sent me messages. Many expressing their fears. How they too feel the same way I do.
Hearing from them felt almost uplifting. Not only did I feel a sense of support, but also that what I was writing may be helping other people. That maybe letting people in to what I face daily with my depression, could help others.
It was something I had never thought of until the other day at work. I was talking with my coworker Joe about how our blogs have been doing. A fellow coworker named Nicole overheard and asked what we were discussing. We told her and when she asked what they were about, she was shocked to hear mine was about my battle with clinical depression. Her face, struck with awe as she told me how "brave" I was to write about this. To let people in to something that is almost always a private fight. Telling me, "That's a strong thing to do."
I know I'm not the first to do this. Certainly won't be the last. I too was once moved by someone who I heard speak on the issue. Her name is Allie Brosh. She writes a humorous, autobiographical comic about her life, which of course includes her battle. I first heard her talk on NPR driving in to work one day. It was all light-hearted and fun in the beginning, but when she began to speak of her depression, it really hit me. I remember sitting in my car in the parking lot at work crying. I was completely moved hearing her describe the emptiness, helplessness, darkness of depression. Allie was saying everything I could never admit about my own pain. What it feels like. How you don't want to tell anyone. How there is no cause and effect to how you feel... it's just there.
Here is an excerpts from her interview on Fresh Air that really struck a chord:
GROSS: You write, some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. Were you trying to figure out why you were depressed and not coming up with a reason?
BROSH: You know, I think that there's a common misconception that depression is about something, or depression is sadness or some form of negativity. And it can represent a sadness or a self-loathing, as the first half of my depression did. And it actually contributed more - it sort of circled back on itself and made me dislike myself more because I was so sad, and I didn't know why, and I felt like I needed a reason.
You know, I would think, you know, there are people who have it much worse than me. I actually have a great life. Why am I feeling like this? Why can't I enjoy this? Why can't I feel happy, like I feel I should be? And it took me a long time to figure out that it was just - something was broken on a fundamental level. It wasn't - there was no reason behind it. It was just the way things were, the way my brain was at that point.
In the end, we all fight our own battles. Some quietly, others more loudly. I once was one of the quiet ones. Hard to believe I know. In fact, my friends and I would laugh when I would finally cry because my tears would only come from my left eye. Something we said was due to me holding back all the time, trying to be strong for others. But don't worry. I'm letting go, and letting the tears flow from both eyes now. And letting you in during the process.
Note: If you would like to hear Fresh Air's interview with Allie Brosh (I highly recommend it!), you can find that at the link below.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Everything and Nothing
"Feeling pain is what lets us know we are alive."
This was something brought up in a recent conversation I had. However in our conversation, it was about feelings in general. Pain, fear, anger, sadness, joy, trust, love. But what happens when all you feel is pain? When every moment, no matter how wonderful is overpowered. Such is my daily life.
I walk around wearing a mask. Smiling no matter what. It has been a great coping mechanism in my job. No matter how sad the situation, you push through with a smile and a joke, because if you don't, you won't survive. It's rare you will ever see me sad. If you have, you caught me at my most vulnerable.
Just such a thing happened the other night with one of my friends. They had convinced me to come out and play when I was particularly not in the mood. And though I was not wanting to be there, it was completely and thoroughly entertaining. But the entire time my chest hurt. A new physical attribute that has risen out of my depression. It's a constant feeling that my chest is caving in.
As the night went on, I forgot about my pain, and enjoyed the night. It wasn't until we were alone and chatting that I asked him to be honest about something with me. He was... and it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but he was honest. It was then that I poured my heart out. Let out the tears. Let out everything I'd been feeling. My loneliness. My pain. My doubts. How I wish I could be happy with the life I've made for myself. How I fear I won't make it through this.
It was a relief to be able to let it all out. As I mentioned last post, I'm trying to allow myself to feel, to allow the emotions to flow instead of hiding them. Though it was a relief, it obviously doesn't cure everything, but it sure is a start.
Who's to say why we are given the life we are given. Why it seems easier for some than others. Why they get the promotion, while you spend years just trying to get a chance. Why the person who cares and puts others before themselves is left alone, feeling unloved, and unwanted. How someone who has had so much joy and love and support in their life is diagnosed with clinical depression.
The past couple months have been extremely difficult. Personal things have been overwhelming the past few months. And at work, we have been preparing for the Marathon Anniversary. A particularly anxiety inducing time for me. Having loved ones at the finish line. Being so close to almost being there if it weren't for little things that changed the events of the day. Being locked up, alone in my apartment, so close to the Watertown Take Down. The helicopters flying over, hearing the gun shots, cops walking/driving around my house constantly with major assault rifles, Tsarnaev being arrested around the corner from me. The culmination of so much going on in such a short period of time, and in such close proximity really impacted me. So much so I have been diagnosed with PTSD.
When I was first told that my feelings were related to PTSD, I tried to brush it off. How could I have PTSD? That's what soldiers who have seen war have. Not me. But just like with my depression, it's something you can't control. You never know how you will react to something. Everyone is different. But it is how you chose to go forward with it that defines you.
For me, I'm fighting back. I am getting help. I am learning how to deal with my problems. I'm making an effort because the alternative is too scary. I've been there. I didn't like it. And I refuse to go back there again.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Nothing to Fear
I have many fears. Most of them are what consume the better part of my day. What feeds my depression.
I'm afraid of failure. Afraid of being alone. Afraid I'll never be loved. I'm afraid I'll let everyone down. Afraid they'll think I'm dumb or not good enough. Afraid that I will fall too deep, and just be hurt like before.
These thoughts stop me so many times from taking chances. But what is chance without taking that first, scary step of trying?
The biggest step I've overcome is putting myself out their. Speaking my mind. I know most who know me would not believe that I am actually extremely shy, but I am. Mostly for the simple fact that I am afraid of being judged. Afraid of what you'll think of me. Afraid that when I finally take that chance, I'll just be let down like always.
Though the fear is always there, it's when I look back that my biggest accomplishments where taken when I was most afraid. Hell I was horrified when I decided to move to Boston, but I knew that if I didn't do something, I would continue to stay at the jobs I was holding down, with no upward motion, and still barely get by.
It was fear that led me to some of the best people I know. It was fear that guides my heart to the things I want most. And though it hurts, I at least learn from trying and taking on those challenges.
Tonight, I completed a fear I have been holding on to, and one that should not be a fear at all. Tonight I sat down and wrote a letter to Anna's parents. Yes, the same letter I told you a year ago I was planning on writing. In fact, I had written it in an email to myself shortly after I wrote that blog post. But I never wrote it out. I'd stare at it sometimes, thinking that I should finally put pen to paper and tell them how much they all changed my life. However I was afraid that my letter would stir up memories. Maybe make them sad at a moment when they had finally let go and let themselves have a good day without remembering their loss. But after I sat down and poured my heart out onto that sheet of paper, I knew I had done the right thing. My words are not malicious, or painful. I just told them how Anna helped me be the person I am today, that she is a constant presence, that she and them were near and dear to me growing up. There is no reason to think my letter will be taken as anything more than just a letter of love.
Tomorrow, I will send it. I have to. If I don't, I'm afraid another year will pass.
There is so much I still need to work on in my life. Most importantly... allowing myself to not be afraid of feeling. To let myself cry, and stop hiding behind a smile. As they say though, "Slow and steady wins the race."
I'm afraid of failure. Afraid of being alone. Afraid I'll never be loved. I'm afraid I'll let everyone down. Afraid they'll think I'm dumb or not good enough. Afraid that I will fall too deep, and just be hurt like before.
These thoughts stop me so many times from taking chances. But what is chance without taking that first, scary step of trying?
The biggest step I've overcome is putting myself out their. Speaking my mind. I know most who know me would not believe that I am actually extremely shy, but I am. Mostly for the simple fact that I am afraid of being judged. Afraid of what you'll think of me. Afraid that when I finally take that chance, I'll just be let down like always.
Though the fear is always there, it's when I look back that my biggest accomplishments where taken when I was most afraid. Hell I was horrified when I decided to move to Boston, but I knew that if I didn't do something, I would continue to stay at the jobs I was holding down, with no upward motion, and still barely get by.
It was fear that led me to some of the best people I know. It was fear that guides my heart to the things I want most. And though it hurts, I at least learn from trying and taking on those challenges.
Tonight, I completed a fear I have been holding on to, and one that should not be a fear at all. Tonight I sat down and wrote a letter to Anna's parents. Yes, the same letter I told you a year ago I was planning on writing. In fact, I had written it in an email to myself shortly after I wrote that blog post. But I never wrote it out. I'd stare at it sometimes, thinking that I should finally put pen to paper and tell them how much they all changed my life. However I was afraid that my letter would stir up memories. Maybe make them sad at a moment when they had finally let go and let themselves have a good day without remembering their loss. But after I sat down and poured my heart out onto that sheet of paper, I knew I had done the right thing. My words are not malicious, or painful. I just told them how Anna helped me be the person I am today, that she is a constant presence, that she and them were near and dear to me growing up. There is no reason to think my letter will be taken as anything more than just a letter of love.
Tomorrow, I will send it. I have to. If I don't, I'm afraid another year will pass.
There is so much I still need to work on in my life. Most importantly... allowing myself to not be afraid of feeling. To let myself cry, and stop hiding behind a smile. As they say though, "Slow and steady wins the race."
This song by Lucius has been a recent source of strength for me.
There are two of us on the run
Going so fast, every doubt we had is coming undone
And falling behind with everything we left there
We held on for far too long
And now we pass so many people on the road
They could come along, I wish they'd been told
They may call it a shot in the dark
From what we know, it's not unheard of
And we'll one day tell our story
Of how we made something of ourselves now
Our favorite parts are what we'll keep
Ornamental parts of love and parts of memories
So everything else has room to grow
'Cause in better light, everything changes
So we can one day tell our story
Of how we made something of ourselves now
There's no race, there's only a runner
Just keep one foot in front of the other
There's no race there's only a runner
1, 2, 3 even when you get tired
Just keep one foot in front of the other
There's no race, no ending in sight
No second too short, no window too tight
Just turn off the lights when you leave
'Cause we've got everything we're gonna need
We're on the run, we're on the run, we're on the run child
We gotta run, we gotta run, we gotta run child
One day tell our story
Of how we made something of ourselves now
One day tell our story
Of how we made something
We made something of ourselves
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