Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·ble

  [vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]

adjective

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt

Part of allowing the pain is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Letting yourself open up to someone on another level. Whether it be a friend, love interest, family member. 

For me, I hate being vulnerable. Letting people in. I can't handle the pain, so I've always just avoided any circumstance that would put me in a vulnerable position. Avoid the things that would get me hurt. Over the past year though, I've learned it's much easier to be open. In fact, it's beneficial.

Since my break up nearly 2 years ago, I've slowly been working my way to complete vulnerability. Not that I want the pain, but I understand the necessity of it sometimes. All my life I've held everything in. Let people walk all over me. Sat quietly in a corner, not wanting people to know how I felt inside. That is until I'd finally explode. Have what my family refers to as "A Sitz Fit." Not very healthy, and damn would it put stress on everyone who unfortunately had to deal with them.

I finally started seeing a therapist shortly after I realized how bad I was. That I just needed someone who was outside my life, no judgement, just someone to sit there and listen. That was the easy part. It was when I decided to open up to my friends and family about how bad it was that was difficult.

How do you tell the people you love, the people who should be the ones you go to that you feel uncomfortable letting them in. That you want to not be here. You feel worthless. That you wish for death daily. Not only was it for fear of being vulnerable, but it was also the fear of making them think they weren't there enough, that they didn't do enough to help me.

Obviously, that's not how it is with depression. I cannot express how amazing the support group I have is. From my family home in Michigan, to my friends out here in Mass. Yet even with that overwhelming love, you still feel like you can't say anything.

When I finally did begin to tell my friends and family what was going on, it was not what I had expected or feared. You always will get the why's and how's of how did this all come up, but I just explain that nothing has ever led to it, it's just always there. 

"You are the strongest person I know though, how do you not see that?"

"You are always so happy, why do you not want to be here?"

"I know tons of people who would be sad if you were gone tomorrow. Don't you know that?"

"How can you feel like a failure when you have done so much and have an amazing life?"

These are just some of the things I've heard when letting people in. And it's not that I don't see all these things that they point out. I really do understand all of that, but you can't tell my brain that. That certain area that is triggered to always be negative. The half glass empty asshole who won't get out of my head.

Either way. That asshole isn't going anywhere. I'm never going to get rid of him. He's just going to be the belligerent dick that won't get off the bus. But I'm learning how to cope with him, and tune him out as much as I can.

I sincerely feel like over the past few weeks I have made some really good improvements. Whether it be this new therapist or the meds, I've definitely been able to talk to people more when I feel the darkness swarming over me. And it has really helped.

Just the other day, I opened up to someone. A little about my depression, but mostly about my feelings. I don't think I've done that in the longest time. Telling someone exactly how I feel. Sort of helped that I a strong comfort level with them. Either way the point is, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I didn't know what was going to happen, and though I did not want to get hurt or hurt them or bring anything horrible to light, I felt if I didn't say something it would build up and hurt me more. And whether they truly heard what I was saying or not, it didn't matter. I said what I needed to say. I let them in, and I didn't hold back.

In the end, life is going to hurt. But what I keep hearing is that is how you know it's real. That you're doing it right. You're on a journey with consequences. Whether you choose to deal with them or try to avoid them plays a part in how you live. I've too long tried to avoid any sort of pain. Any sort of vulnerability. But not anymore. I just want to be alive.