Let It out

I have always been a huge believer that things happen for a reason.  However the acts carried out this past Marathon Monday even threw me for a loop.  Though they may have been terrible and caused so much pain for the Boston community, we have also seen so much love and compassion and strength come from it.

All of us have our stories about the day of the bombing and the days to come afterwards... this is mine.

Photo from the beginning of the day

Patriots Day 2013 was set to be the best ever in my book.  Why?  Because one of my very best friends was finally getting to live her dream and run the Boston Marathon.  Many people I knew were running it, but I have to admit, she was the main reason I came out.  It was also to be the day a documentary I worked on was debuted.  Not on a small scale either, it was being debuted at the Boston International Film Festival.. A true achievement that I was very excited to be a part of.

The day began with me meeting Charlie at Zaftigs.  We enjoyed a wonderful brunch, the day was glorious and the spirit of the day was seen everywhere we went.  Charlie and I then met another friend between mile 24-25 to see Carrie.  I have watched the marathon from the finish line in the past, but it was important to me that we be at a location where Carrie would be able to see and know we were there cheering her on.

Service men/women walking the marathon

The crowds were cheering, the runners pushing on as they could see the Citgo sign, knowing it wouldn't be long til they finally crossed under that banner stating they had made it.  It's what I love best about the marathon.  The determination these people have to run 26.2 miles is spectacular.  Such a sight to behold.  Love it!

After about an hour, we finally spotted Carrie!  We all started screaming and cheering for her.  It was so amazing to see her smile after all the miles.  She was so happy, and I was happy to be there and witness that moment.

Flock of runners heading towards the final miles

After she passed, Charlie and Joe started talked about heading out.  I asked if we could stay for just a bit longer as another friend of mine wasn't running too far behind Carrie and I was hoping to see him too.  However looking at the time, I realized I needed to get going to make it to the movie premiere on time.  I had also been in contact with my friend Dani who was waiting at the finish line to see Carrie, having missed out on our previous messages of meeting up between mile 24-25.  I let Dani know I was on my way down there and we decided to meet at Copley Station at 3p.

The guys and me waited at the nearest stop for the Green Line.  The first train that came by... completely didn't stop for us.  At the time I was pissed, but now I am thankful.  It was at least another 8-10 minutes before the next train came by, this one happened to stop and we all hopped on.  The guys decided that they were going to go their separate ways and start heading back home instead of stopping in Copley with me to see Carrie.  No big deal as we had already seen her... I know I just wanted to see her and give her a big hug.  I am honestly that proud of her to wear I had to give her a hug and let her know it.

Carrie passing by us

But I would never make it to Copley.  Our train stopped at Kenmore Station and we were all told that service had been suspended.  Living in Boston for a few years I really didn't think much of it, just thought it was a problem on the line.  So the guys and I decided to just start walking.  It wasn't that much farther to the finish line for me at least.

As we were walking, Charlie (who had never seen the marathon before) asked if we had already made it to the finish line.  I said no and asked why.  It was then that he pointed out all the runners stopped in there tracks.  Police and BAA officials holding them off before that last remaining distance to the finish line.  This is when I started to get worried.  My pace started to pick up as I wanted to get to Copley to see what was going on.  That's when I started getting texts from people asking if I was alright.  That's when we overheard someone say there had been an explosion.

I did the only thing I could think of and picked up the pace and started heading for the finish line even faster. I couldn't get anyone on the phone.  I didn't know what was going on, but all I knew was that my friends were down there and I needed to find them.

With no communication and no idea of the magnitude of what had just occurred, I realized it had to be bad as I when I went to get closer, Boston and military police stopped me.  They said no one could get any closer and they started pushing us towards Cambridge.  My heart dropped.

Joe who is in the Coast Guard was then summoned to work and literally had to run off.  Charlie helped keep me grounded and guided me across to Cambridge as I continued to try to get in contact with someone, anyone who could give me information.  Luckily, Facebook was how I knew my friends were okay.  Though phone service was out due to so many people trying to call loved ones, we were all still able to get on to social media and update our statuses to let people know we were okay.

Charlie and I finally made it to Megan's work at Kendall Square and that's when the magnitude of what just happened hit me.  I couldn't stop crying.

My head started to flood with all that just happened.  My friends, my coworkers, people I care about were down there.  Two explosions.  People severely injured.  Of my friends who were down there... Carrie had just crossed the finish line 3 minutes prior to the first blast.  Dani, she was on her way to meet Carrie and me so she was walking away before the first bomb detonated.  Carrie said she saw/felt the blast, but was luckily far enough away to not be hurt.  Dani... she was near the carnage and jumped in and helped save a life.

I didn't have much time to let it all fully sink in before I was called in to work.  Megan and Charlie rushed me to my car.  But it was once I got into work that it really hit.  As I walked in and asked my boss Kimmy what they needed me to do, a TV behind her was rolling the blasts.  It was the first time I had seen the true nature of what just happened.  That's when I broke down.


Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

From that Monday on, it was constant coverage.  We were running FOX 25 like it was flippin' CNN.  So much information coming in and it was breaking faster than we could keep up most times.  My head eventually turned to work.  My adrenaline pumping too fast to be sad about the events anymore.  Just had to keep pushing through.  All of us were exhausted, but it is our job to make sure people know what's going on... and that's what we were determined to do.

Come Thursday, I was excited to begin my weekend.  The news had semi started to slow down as all police could do was search for the bombers.  Before the end of the 10p show, we got word of a shooting down at MIT.  At the time it just seemed like another sad tragedy, but we would soon find out it was bigger than that.

One of numerous helicopters that circled all day

We all went home and thought nothing more of it.  Then as I was getting ready to fall asleep, my coworker Aly called me.  She told me to lock my doors, lock my windows, and turn on the TV.  As I only have internet I asked her to explain what was going on.  That's when she told me the shooting involved the bombers.  There had been a chase that led to Watertown, and they were doing a full-on manhunt on my side of town.

From then on I was glued to my computer.  I was live streaming the news, hunting around for info on Facebook and Twitter.  I Skyped with my mom all night/day.  I was on lockdown.  There was nothing I could do but sit and wait.

Officer with a big ass gun searching complex next door

Honestly, at the time it wasn't so bad.  Mainly because my adrenaline was going full steam ahead and I wanted nothing more than to get to work.  Get to the people I trusted, but I couldn't.

The only thing I could hear was the constant helicopters circling around.  During the night they were shining spotlights all up and down our street.  I remained on my floor as my house is mostly windows and I was worried about possibly gunfire as these guys were not messing around, having already engaged in a fire fight with police just 1 mile away from my house.

Fox 2 News Headlines

After staying up all night and most of the day I finally decided to try to sleep.  Only after a short nap I woke to the sound of my mom trying to contact me on Skype.  In the short time I had fallen asleep, the lockdown had been lifted and one Watertown resident realized there was a trail of blood leading to a boat in his backyard.  As my mom tried to tell me police were on the surviving suspect's trail, out of the corner of my eye I could see a fleet of police and SWAT cars flying down my street.  The suspect was on Franklin Street, just 2 blocks from me.

Police sweeping in on Suspect 2

I started calling work, Tim and Bill kept me up to date on what was going on.  I then did the only thing I could do and started filming.  Helicopters, cops cars, police running around everywhere.  It was so surreal.

In the end he was caught.  I went down to the scene and found my coworkers.  It was there I got my first hug after the day's events.  My buddy Drew told me he was happy I was okay and gave me a hug.  It was the first actual human contact I had had all day.

At the time my adrenaline was still too high to understand the weight of all that had just happened.  I met up with all my coworkers and we drank and celebrated the taking down of the men who so gruesomely ruined a cherished days and so many lives in our fair city.

Celebrating with my coworkers

As the days went on, my adrenaline wore down.  No longer was I excited about the take down.  My thoughts were too how close everything had been.  My friends at the explosion.  The fact that if that first train didn't pass me I would've been there during the blast.  The fact that the suspects were in my town, engaging in violent acts against authorities within earshot of my house.

That's when the nightmares started.  That's when the breakdowns began. That's when the feelings of dread and hopelessness came creeping back.

What's sad is I know why I feel this way.  I had so many things happen so closely to me, then the fact that I am constantly surrounded by these stories at work makes it insanely hard for me to clear my head of the events.

Even worse, I feel bad for feeling this way.  I don't feel I am allowed to have these feelings.  My constant dreams of bombs and losing my friends seem unwarranted.  But that isn't stopping my head from thinking them up.

So many things have happened over the past week or two.  Now it's time to get over them.

I am thankful for the fact that my depression already has me on meds.  That I am already seeing a therapist.  And mostly, that I have the friends I have here.  Throughout the days, I have been honest with my friends about my feelings.  All of them have been so supportive and been there to lend me an ear, a shoulder or a much needed hug.

Though I was alone during the lockdown, I was never really alone.  All of them kept in constant contact with me to make sure I was okay.  They are the ones who are going to help me pull through this.

I also hoping letting it all out here will help.  I know with time my tears will become less... my dreams will hopefully stop involving acts of terrorism.  I just need time.

I honestly meant for this to be more poignant and to go off about fate and timing, but it looks like I just needed to write it all down.  Hopefully this will help clear my head.

That's Love

I have always known I have been blessed with a wonderful, supportive family.  Only over the past few years have I realized just how lucky I am.  Not everyone has the support system I have in them.  And for that, I am forever grateful.

This post is all about one of those amazing family members... my dad.

For starters, my dad is the best father imaginable   No I'm not just saying that in case he reads this.  I say it because I truly believe in this statement with all my heart. 

Let's dive into his life story here... he is the oldest of 6 kids.  Grew up on a farm.  Did odd jobs starting as a kid to help the family.  Went to college full time to be a pharmacist.  Paid for it all by himself by working full time on Ford's assembly line.  Had a stint in the Army.  Owned his own business all while maintaining his pharmaceutical license.  Yeah... Bob pretty much kicks ass.

However what I see in him is so much more than his upbringing. What makes me so happy everyday is how he cares for his family.

Dad is always there for us.

For starters, he married my mom and accepted my brothers from the beginning.  Both of them were little when mom and their dad divorced.  And my dad made his dates with mom almost always include Phil and Jay.  In fact, that's one of the things mom said made her realize she loved him.  They were just friends who would go out and do things with the boys, and then it just clicked.  Never has a day gone by when he hasn't acted like more of a father to them than their own dad.

In my lifetime, he has always been there for our dance recitals, taken us to Elizabeth Park for the pony rides, taken us fishing, helped out with math homework, sent care packages of pistachios and Vernor's... but it's not just his actions.  He also has some very poignant words.

During my recent break up before I admitted to my family how bad I had really gotten.  I was on the phone crying to mom about how I didn't want to live in Boston anymore, how I wanted to go home, how I felt so alone.  That's when dad asked her for the phone.  This is all he said with the deepest sincerity in his voice...

"It took me 34 years before I found your mom, and it was completely worth the wait.  Don't feel bad this one didn't work out, because it will one day, and you don't need to rush."

Though his words didn't solve my problems or make my world any better immediately... I always think of him telling me that when I get down.  Everything works out in time.  I will find the love of my life one day, just have to wait for time to match us together like it did for mom and dad.

Another wonderful dad moment...

When I first moved out to Boston and only had time for a part-time job while doing my internship, money was seriously tight!  So bad, I needed my parents to help me get by.  It was a lot to ask for when they didn't want me to leave home in the first place.  On one trip home, I was feeling really down and kept apologizing for being such a "burden" on the both of them.  Dad told me, "You're not a burden.  It's never a burden to help someone you love." 

Boy how this has come in to play so much in my mind recently.  It is a fact though.  When you love someone, you do what you can to make sure they are okay, and offer them any help you can.  I am still waiting for the day that I can return the favor to mom and dad.  And I will definitely have no qualms with it, as I love them both very much.

Now the main reason I wanted to write this is because of a recent conversation I had with dad. 

Dad always calls to check in and see if I need help with anything and make sure I'm okay.  During our last call, dad started to ask if I would be able to get time off for what is now today.  Being less than a week away, I told him no and that I felt uncomfortable asking as I had already taken Marathon Monday off.  Then it clicked, "Dad, why do you want me to take a day off of work?"  It's not like he lives nearby.  According to dad, he wanted to fly me home to surprise mom.  He had bought tickets for them to go see Bob Seger in Detroit, and in light of mom's recent surgery and since I hadn't been home since Christmas, he thought it would be a nice treat to bring me home for the weekend to go see the show with her.  I don't know how many people would go that above and beyond to put a smile on his wife's face. 

Yes, my dad is pretty amazing.  And though I only mentioned a few moments here, there are thousands that have happened.  That's why I wanted to give him the props he deserves.

Dad... 

Thank you for loving us.  

Thank you for always being there when we need you.  

Thank you for knowing how to do the moonwalk and making us laugh.  

Thank you for passing on your smile to me.

Thank you for the hugs.  

Thank you for the support.  

Thank you for marrying mom.  

Thank you for helping me save Indie.  

Thank you for loving us all unconditionally.

Thank you for still calling me Peanut.  

Thank you for showing me that I deserve more and can achieve anything.

I can say one thing without hesitation... 

When I grow up... I hope to marry a man just like my dad. 

Progress

So we are on what... day 85 now?  Honestly I'm losing count!  Looking back at what I have written in these 80-some-odd days, I can see the progress I have made.  From starting this as a daily reminder of the little things in life, to full blown articles of the EPIC adventures I have had with friends and family.  Seriously... I have blown my own mind with my progress.

I plan on continuing to write in this as often as possible.  Granted I would love to write in it daily as I promised myself I would do, but sometimes life is just moving too fast to get it all down... and I would rather be out there enjoying it.

As I grow from my experiences, I still value the past, but am anxiously awaiting the future while enjoying the present.  Something I must say was very difficult for me before.  I was so focused on past experiences and working my way to the future I thought was best for me, that I was missing out on all that was right there in front of me.  That was a normal part of life for me, and it wasn't til a recent event in my life that made me realize, that wasn't how life should be.

That event... a break up.  Yes, love comes and goes, but this was particularly hard.  We had been together nearly a year.  A relationship neither of us expected to get that far.  We both weren't looking for anything, especially as he was determined to head off to Japan to get his degree.  But you can't deny love, and we fell hard.

Six months later, he got the news.  He had been accepted, and my heart sank.  When we first began dating, we had discussed what would become of us if this happened.  That decision... we were going to end our relationship.  He knew he needed to focus on his studies, and I knew I couldn't handle a long-distance relationship.  But as we discussed the situation through the night, we both realized we didn't want to to break-up, and we decided to stick together.  He told me he would come home to visit during breaks, and that as we had both never felt so strongly for another... we felt we could make it.

That July we moved into an apartment together and spent our last month before his flight out to Tokyo just enjoying everyday together.  He left in August.  The overflow of emails and texts daily soon turned into rare treats as the month progressed.  Our Skype conversations turned into more of a hassle with his busy school schedule and the 13-hour difference between us.  I eventually was consumed with only thinking the worst and couldn't enjoy life.

Then it happened... we decided to end it.  More him than me.  He couldn't stand seeing me suffer and the physical toll it took on me.  Though the love was still there, we just couldn't be for both our benefits.  Knowing that I had what I felt was perfect just go away... it made me feel like I didn't matter.  It seemed like it was so easy for him to let me go, and I couldn't do anything but hold on and hope.  Hope that he would realize I was worth the effort.  But I started to feel that I wasn't worth it either.

Instead of him coming to some sort of realization though... it was me who discovered something.  This is when I realized I had more problems than just dealing with the sadness of a break up.  My sadness had been there all along.  I had depression, and it was deeply-seated.  It wasn't til I finally admitted how bad I felt to a friend that she helped me realize I needed help... and fast.  Help before I could make my bleak thoughts a reality.

I sought out help and can say I'm doing better.  I see things differently and am learning to take life one day at a time.  I have learned that it is all about living in the moment... and just letting life lead me to where ever the hell I'm gonna end up.

I can't control anything... no one can.  Nor should we try.  I am just thankful I have learned I have a wonderful support system.  It is because of my friends and family I am here.  They always saw who I was.  I just wish I listened to them sooner.

So here is where we get inspirational.  I noticed a theme today all over... from Facebook to Twitter.  Work to home.  Everyone I knew was posting quotes or songs.  Things that inspired them.  Things that brought them joy.

So taking this lead I figured why not see what inspires you.  Whether it be a phrase, a song, a person, an object, a memory... let it out! 

I'm just gonna toss out some quotes and songs that I often think of.  Not just for inspiration, but life in general.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
~ Dr. Seuss

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ― Marilyn Monroe

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

"If you only have one smile to give, give it to the people you love."
~ Maya Angelou

“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.” ― Walt Whitman

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.” ― Walt Whitman

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.” ― Lewis Carroll

"When life give you a hundred reasons to cry, 
Show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."~ Unknown

"Everything in life is temporary.
So if things are going good, enjoy it,
because it won't last forever.
And if things are going bad,
don't worry, it can't last forever either."~ Unknown

Now for a beautiful song a friend sent to me tonight.  I think everyone can agree this is how it feels sometimes.