It's been a while since the last post and I do apologize. Don't know if it's the weather, work or my meds, but I have been so exhausted. I've been sleeping in. Going to bed early. No matter what, I'm always sleepy. I'm working to remedy this, so for now, I'm just dealing.
Sleepy or not, tons of great things have happened. So let's play catch up shall we.
Sadly I was not able to make it home for the holidays. My own fault. I didn't have many days left to take off, so I decided to just wait until the new year to see my family. That way I can have a good amount of quality time to play with the kids and hang with everyone.
Luckily for me, I have my Commune Family. I was able to hang out with Megan, Charlie, and her parents who all gathered here at the house for the holiday. Charlie was a beast and made dinner which was insane! I offered up my culinary skills and made ice cream using the Jaberpa's ice cream maker. PS... I need one of those so bad! It was awesome! I followed a recipe I had saved on Pinterest for a "Burnt Caramel Bourbon Ice Cream." So tasty!
I also watched Frozen for the first time. As well as was forced to watch A Christmas Story by Meg's dad. It was basically on in the background, and I played games on my tablet. I've just never been interested in it. I know all the main points that are always used in pop culture, but I just don't care to actually watch it.
Of course I did get to spend time with my real family. On Christmas Eve when the family gathered at mom and dad's, I Skyped in with them during dinner and the unwrapping of presents. It was so much fun. I danced with my nieces as they played with my parent's dancing Santa. Brought out my guitar so I could play along with the girls as they played Reagan's new drum set. I am so thankful for technology. Though I may be far from home, I can still participate in activities and see how big the kids are getting. Which by the way, they need to stop!!!! Stay tiny kids. Stop getting taller than me!! #ShortPeopleProblems
There are so many other things I want to write about, but I'm honestly so tired I can't even think. So let me just quickly say that I am thankful that I continue to meet fabulous people through work and the AFSP. I love being able to hear people's stories and be able to tell them mine. I look forward to more opportunities to be able to help others, meet others, and spread the word about something I feel so passionate about.
Ok. Sleepies.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Unexpected Moment
On my way to work today, I did my normal routine and was going through the list of things I needed to take care of in the week to come. One of those items on my list was to reach out to friends and ask if they would join me on my Overnight Walk this June.
First friend on my mind... Megan Smallwood.
As I was stuck in traffic, I decided that instead of emailing her, I'd give her a call right then. What happened next was something I wasn't even expecting.
I've known Megan since I was 10. She has always been a wonderful combination of everything you'd want in a friend. A sweet soul; brilliant mind; great sense of humor. The one thing she has always been though for me, is a source of strength.
As we were going through those oh so angsty teenage years, she was always one of the people I turned to. We have similar mindsets when it comes to emotional things, and always knew how to help push the other one through a rough patch. Whether that be chocolate milk after school, or just laying on her family's trampoline looking at the sky... we had each others' backs.
So when I called her today, I was shocked when I began to cry. My simple request for her to be a part of my team turned into an unexpected emotional moment. I couldn't help but choke up as I let her know how much she has meant to me in my life, and the idea of walking without her just didn't feel right.
There were many times when we were younger that she was there when I was in the deepest of my depression pits. Obviously at the time we did not know that was what they were, but she was always there. And now she will be there with me on the walk, having become the third official member of my team.
Thank you Smallwood from the bottom of my heart for dealing with my tears not only today, but over the past 20 years. You said you would always be there, and you've never let me down.
First friend on my mind... Megan Smallwood.
As I was stuck in traffic, I decided that instead of emailing her, I'd give her a call right then. What happened next was something I wasn't even expecting.I've known Megan since I was 10. She has always been a wonderful combination of everything you'd want in a friend. A sweet soul; brilliant mind; great sense of humor. The one thing she has always been though for me, is a source of strength.
As we were going through those oh so angsty teenage years, she was always one of the people I turned to. We have similar mindsets when it comes to emotional things, and always knew how to help push the other one through a rough patch. Whether that be chocolate milk after school, or just laying on her family's trampoline looking at the sky... we had each others' backs.
So when I called her today, I was shocked when I began to cry. My simple request for her to be a part of my team turned into an unexpected emotional moment. I couldn't help but choke up as I let her know how much she has meant to me in my life, and the idea of walking without her just didn't feel right.There were many times when we were younger that she was there when I was in the deepest of my depression pits. Obviously at the time we did not know that was what they were, but she was always there. And now she will be there with me on the walk, having become the third official member of my team.
Thank you Smallwood from the bottom of my heart for dealing with my tears not only today, but over the past 20 years. You said you would always be there, and you've never let me down.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Days to Come
Strangely enough, just as I was describing some new methods for me coping with the upcoming trial, I was put in a position this week where I had to utilize them.
My "Fight or Flight" senses were peaked this past Friday while out in Boston with some friends. The night was going great. Drinks... karaoke... laughter. Then while we exited the bar at closing time... police lights, sirens, cruisers blocking streets. No bueno.
In my head, I knew it was more than likely for some protest situation that has been frequent as of late on Boston streets. People marching against police brutality in the wake of the recent deaths of unarmed black men at the hands of white police officers. Still though, it doesn't stop your head from taking you to your worst fears.
Within seconds, I felt like I was back. Being pushed across the bridge. Wondering what was happening. If my friends were okay. My body tensed up as I remembered being on lock down in my old apartment. The cops with guns around my house. The helicopters overhead. These moments replaying completely in my head.
So I took a breath. Closed my eyes. Nothing.
No cabin. No farm house. No garden.
Thankfully I had my friend's arm. I grabbed his hand. Held on tight, and just continued to breathe.
I understand why I couldn't go there. Dealing with the stories at work is way different than being thrown in to a real life situation. It did make me sad though that I had a night where I had gone in feeling safe in the city I love, only to end it with fear.
These days will inevitably continue. No doubt about that. I can say though that I felt proud of myself for attempting to find my safe place during a scary situation.
On a lighter note, because that is technically the whole point of this blog. Things have been going well. I have had great opportunities to hang out with my coworkers more. Meet new people. Check out new things.
The best part, finally being able to begin work as a Field Advocate for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I finished my orientation online, and have already been getting the information needed to help push for legislation that can help those in need. I have also nearly reached a quarter of my goal for the Out of the Darkness Overnight! Such a fantastic feeling, especially when I'm still more than 6 months away from the event. Not only that, but I will be attending a breakfast this week at a local college along with the head of the Eastern Massachusetts AFSP Chapter. While there, we'll have the opportunity to network with people from some of the major companies across our area, as well as rub elbows with the Governor for our cause.
Completely humble brag I swear! I'm just extremely excited to be a part of such a wonderful cause that carries such a powerful message.
Interested in helping out? Check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention online. You can also help me reach my $1,000 goal for the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk this June. Click here to donate and read up on my team, and how we're are looking to #StopTheStigma of mental illness.
My "Fight or Flight" senses were peaked this past Friday while out in Boston with some friends. The night was going great. Drinks... karaoke... laughter. Then while we exited the bar at closing time... police lights, sirens, cruisers blocking streets. No bueno.
In my head, I knew it was more than likely for some protest situation that has been frequent as of late on Boston streets. People marching against police brutality in the wake of the recent deaths of unarmed black men at the hands of white police officers. Still though, it doesn't stop your head from taking you to your worst fears.
Within seconds, I felt like I was back. Being pushed across the bridge. Wondering what was happening. If my friends were okay. My body tensed up as I remembered being on lock down in my old apartment. The cops with guns around my house. The helicopters overhead. These moments replaying completely in my head.
So I took a breath. Closed my eyes. Nothing.
No cabin. No farm house. No garden.
Thankfully I had my friend's arm. I grabbed his hand. Held on tight, and just continued to breathe.
I understand why I couldn't go there. Dealing with the stories at work is way different than being thrown in to a real life situation. It did make me sad though that I had a night where I had gone in feeling safe in the city I love, only to end it with fear.
These days will inevitably continue. No doubt about that. I can say though that I felt proud of myself for attempting to find my safe place during a scary situation.
On a lighter note, because that is technically the whole point of this blog. Things have been going well. I have had great opportunities to hang out with my coworkers more. Meet new people. Check out new things.
The best part, finally being able to begin work as a Field Advocate for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I finished my orientation online, and have already been getting the information needed to help push for legislation that can help those in need. I have also nearly reached a quarter of my goal for the Out of the Darkness Overnight! Such a fantastic feeling, especially when I'm still more than 6 months away from the event. Not only that, but I will be attending a breakfast this week at a local college along with the head of the Eastern Massachusetts AFSP Chapter. While there, we'll have the opportunity to network with people from some of the major companies across our area, as well as rub elbows with the Governor for our cause.
Completely humble brag I swear! I'm just extremely excited to be a part of such a wonderful cause that carries such a powerful message.
Interested in helping out? Check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention online. You can also help me reach my $1,000 goal for the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk this June. Click here to donate and read up on my team, and how we're are looking to #StopTheStigma of mental illness.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
A Safe Place
This past week at therapy, Robin and I started discussing ways for me to cope with my PTSD during the upcoming trial of Dzokhar Tsarnaev.
I had told her weeks ago how worried I am about potentially having a panic attack while at work. Being surrounded by the events being replayed in live tweets from court, having to write stories based on it for months on end... not exactly the easiest thing to deal with.
Robin found a method she thought may work for me, as well as let me use my creativity. She asked me to sit down, and imagine the places I feel safe. Where can I find solace when in despair? Is there anyone with me? What is it about it that makes me feel protected? Here's what I discovered.
The Farm House
Many times my mind will take me back to where I grew up.
First, I see the back yard as if I were sitting on top of my old swing set. The big green grassy area, leading to the old chicken coop. Right behind that, my tree house, which was just a large tree that had been struck by lightning. The wood pile to the right, just before the acres of land leading to the tree line.
Next, I'm standing in my tree house. The half of the tree that had fallen. The burn marks. The bits of broken glass bottles we had found in the woods. The planks of wood we used for shelves. Boysenberries from the bush that blended in with the fallen tree. The limbs of the tree, surrounding me in a blanket of safety. I can hear the leaves rustling in the wind, and feel the dirt on my bare feet.
Then there is the lilacs bushes. Our farm house had the biggest, most beautiful lilac bushes I had ever seen. There was a pair though right next to our house that joined together in a colorful dance. Where they joined left the perfect amount of room for my child-sized body to fit in. It was always used in games as the secret entrance to a new world. A place where my imagination could roam free.
The Cabin
Another place I like to visualize is the view from the porch of my Uncle's old cabin. It was on one of the Great Lakes, sitting high above the water. There was a white fence along the cliff, lined with flowers. I can feel the breeze coming off the lake. The sound of the seagulls. How mesmerized I was with the massive container ships that would pass in the distance. I could sit and stare at the water for hours in silence. That's saying a lot for this talker.
The Garden
My mind also takes me to my Grandma's garden when I need a safe place. It was a small garden that wrapped around the fence in her back yard, but to me, it was big and impressive. Colorful roses, red geraniums, black-eyed susans... all lining the metal fence, leading to the tall wooden red fence in the back. The grass here was always like a soft blanket on my feet. Protection from the hot cement of the driveway on summer days. The sun always seemed to hit her yard, even though there were so many trees around it. She always had a planter hanging from the garage back there with more geraniums flowing over the edges. And every Spring, a bird would inevitably build there nest in there. A perfect place to hide their eggs from the elements and prey, but just reachable for me to sneak a peek when the babies were born. It never felt like we were in the city.
After Thoughts
What I learned was the places I feel safe are all places from my past. Places that had significant meaning to me in some way or another. Places of great joy.
Not only that, but when I described all these places to Robin, I kept saying "we." When she asked who I was talking about, I told her it all depended on the location. At the Farm House, it's Jen, my best friend growing up. At the Cabin, it's Uncle Richard. In the Garden, it's of course Grandma. And at every location, my family... Mom, Dad, Jay and Phil. Now I never see them when I visualize these places, but I know they are there. I feel their presence, and that helps calm me.
I can't say I see one place more than another when I shut my eyes. Nor do I have a true reason for why these places come to mind. I could've picked anything, even created my own safe place. Instead, I went back to where as a child I felt overwhelmed by how extraordinary my surroundings were. Places where my imagination ran free. Places where the pain of the world never reached me. That's where I feel safe.
I had told her weeks ago how worried I am about potentially having a panic attack while at work. Being surrounded by the events being replayed in live tweets from court, having to write stories based on it for months on end... not exactly the easiest thing to deal with.
Robin found a method she thought may work for me, as well as let me use my creativity. She asked me to sit down, and imagine the places I feel safe. Where can I find solace when in despair? Is there anyone with me? What is it about it that makes me feel protected? Here's what I discovered.
The Farm House
Many times my mind will take me back to where I grew up.
First, I see the back yard as if I were sitting on top of my old swing set. The big green grassy area, leading to the old chicken coop. Right behind that, my tree house, which was just a large tree that had been struck by lightning. The wood pile to the right, just before the acres of land leading to the tree line.
Next, I'm standing in my tree house. The half of the tree that had fallen. The burn marks. The bits of broken glass bottles we had found in the woods. The planks of wood we used for shelves. Boysenberries from the bush that blended in with the fallen tree. The limbs of the tree, surrounding me in a blanket of safety. I can hear the leaves rustling in the wind, and feel the dirt on my bare feet.
Then there is the lilacs bushes. Our farm house had the biggest, most beautiful lilac bushes I had ever seen. There was a pair though right next to our house that joined together in a colorful dance. Where they joined left the perfect amount of room for my child-sized body to fit in. It was always used in games as the secret entrance to a new world. A place where my imagination could roam free.
The Cabin
Another place I like to visualize is the view from the porch of my Uncle's old cabin. It was on one of the Great Lakes, sitting high above the water. There was a white fence along the cliff, lined with flowers. I can feel the breeze coming off the lake. The sound of the seagulls. How mesmerized I was with the massive container ships that would pass in the distance. I could sit and stare at the water for hours in silence. That's saying a lot for this talker.
The Garden
My mind also takes me to my Grandma's garden when I need a safe place. It was a small garden that wrapped around the fence in her back yard, but to me, it was big and impressive. Colorful roses, red geraniums, black-eyed susans... all lining the metal fence, leading to the tall wooden red fence in the back. The grass here was always like a soft blanket on my feet. Protection from the hot cement of the driveway on summer days. The sun always seemed to hit her yard, even though there were so many trees around it. She always had a planter hanging from the garage back there with more geraniums flowing over the edges. And every Spring, a bird would inevitably build there nest in there. A perfect place to hide their eggs from the elements and prey, but just reachable for me to sneak a peek when the babies were born. It never felt like we were in the city.
After Thoughts
What I learned was the places I feel safe are all places from my past. Places that had significant meaning to me in some way or another. Places of great joy.
Not only that, but when I described all these places to Robin, I kept saying "we." When she asked who I was talking about, I told her it all depended on the location. At the Farm House, it's Jen, my best friend growing up. At the Cabin, it's Uncle Richard. In the Garden, it's of course Grandma. And at every location, my family... Mom, Dad, Jay and Phil. Now I never see them when I visualize these places, but I know they are there. I feel their presence, and that helps calm me.
I can't say I see one place more than another when I shut my eyes. Nor do I have a true reason for why these places come to mind. I could've picked anything, even created my own safe place. Instead, I went back to where as a child I felt overwhelmed by how extraordinary my surroundings were. Places where my imagination ran free. Places where the pain of the world never reached me. That's where I feel safe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)