Wake. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

There are so many things I want to do with my life. I want to travel. I want to own a home. I want to make a difference in the world.

In real life though, I am bound in a never-ending Groundhog's Day of depression.

Wake. Eat. Work. Sleep. Repeat.

My time is spent pretending everything is fine, while inside I am holding on by a thread most days, just trying to keep some grasp on my sanity and not breakdown crying from the amount of disappointment I feel in myself.

How can I possibly make a change in the world when I can't get out of bed most days? When I don't want to do anything, including brush my hair or get out of my pajamas. Hell, I don't want to put on pants.

Most days I sit and self-loathe in the dark. Spending my time playing games or watching shows just to try and take my mind off how much I hate myself.

I know though that it's not me. It's my depression, curling its ugly black arms around me. It holds me down and tells me how worthless I am. How I'll never make something of myself. How no one will want to tell my story. No one will remember me for I have not done anything worthy of recollecting.

I try to work past these feelings though. Push through the pain to make it through the day. Hoping that today I will do something that will bring joy to another person. Hoping I will do something worthwhile.

So I do what I can. Tonight, that's sitting here in my bed, writing a blog maybe only a handful of people will read. Hoping my words will speak to someone out there who just needs to know that they are not alone.

On the Bright Side

Today was rough. I had a horrible migraine I've been dealing with off/on for days. I pushed through it and came to work, but felt completely exhausted and out of it. Made it really difficult to work and focus. 

But here are the things that brightened my day:

My friend LauraCindy is such a beautiful soul. She's real... she's loud... she's fun... she's playful... so of course I'd love this woman. Today I told her how tough I was having it and the stressed. So out of nowhere, she runs up to me at my desk and just jumps into my lap and gives me the biggest, whole hearted hug you can get. It was just so LC, and so needed and appreciated.

Actually, not too long ago I texted her and she sent me such a sweet response. It was perfect LC. Like I said, beautiful soul!!

Next came a hilarious call LC had to deal with. They called looking to speak to our guest coordinator, but he wasn't in his office at the time. She suggested they email him instead. As she was giving his email address, she said, "It's Al dot Johnson, common spelling." Well the person didn't understand what she was saying, and though when she said "common spelling" that it was part of his email address. This person questioned her about it not once, but twice. AND they called back again still unable to get it right!! We were dying!

Then came Lisa... OMG! We were talking about Maxine Waters and her beautiful, powerful soul. If you don't know, Bill O'Reilly made a very rude comment about her hair during a recent show. When asked about it afterwards, she came back saying, "I am a strong black woman and I cannot be intimidated." Beautiful response! But it wasn't her response that made me happy. It was Lisa's impersonation of her doing it. She gave her so much more sass and power! I just loved it. Two powerful women.

I have included a link to the real Maxine Waters clip below. Sadly, I did not get Lisa on tape doing hers. :)

.@MaxineWaters on Bill O'Reilly comments: "I am a strong black woman and I cannot be intimidated" #inners https://t.co/B1vRE4nelt

— All In w/Chris Hayes (@allinwithchris) March 29, 2017

Today just reminded me that I am lucky to have such amazing, supportive people in my life. Even when I feel at my worst, they are always there to brighten my day... migraine and all.

I'm a little ashamed to see that my last post was back in February... of 2016!!

Over the last year, there has been a lot to smile about, as well as a lot of sadness. I have had a difficult time trying to find the good in life with everything that has gone on. However, that is what helps keep me going and I must remember to seek the good every day so I don't lose it.

This past year, I have had to deal with the death of my friend and coworker Ron Savage. A woman who was like a second mother to me growing up passed away. One of my best and oldest friends was diagnosed with breast cancer. Work has been crazy due to a lack of help and my list of tasks growing to unbearable levels. My depression has been a roller coaster of good and bad. I have been lonely, distant, and longing for a reason to get out and go and be normal... but find myself unwilling to make any changes. It's also been why I haven't really written in so long. My motivation level has been non-existent.

However, there have been several things that have been good.

In June 2016, I went on an amazing trek through Maine with my FOX25 friends to celebrate our Marissa's amazing milestone of quitting news to go be a teacher to new immigrant students. We started in a big group of people, but ended with just Marissa and me camping at a farm, visiting the ocean, and singing as loud as we could with the windows down. It was such a great reminder that no matter how far apart we are, I have friends who are always there for me.




Last September, I found 3 stray kittens living behind the Taco Bell in my hometown, and took it upon myself to rescue them. With the help of a woman my mom use to carpool with, I was able to catch them and bring them back to our house. Unfortunately, many of the rescues and shelters in my area refused to take them. Many were just full, others said they were too old to be socialized.

I proved them wrong. I found a great series online by a veterinarian in NYC that shows step by step how to gain their trust, and teach them that humans are not bad. It took a lot of love and patience, but I was able to break down their barriers.

Now, 2 of the kittens are living with a college friend and her fiancee. While the 3rd has become the newest member of my family. I cannot believe what I was able to accomplish with them, and so happy I could help them get off the streets and into loving homes. Especially happy to have Miss Minj in my life. She is the perfect fit for our silly little family, even if she irritates her big brother, Indie.

Back in October, I was able to share with people the story of my depression at a local AFSP walk. I had been trying to find ways to volunteer with the group locally, and told the coordinator about my blog. She was impressed with my openness and asked if I would speak. I was scared out of my mind, but with the support of my friends and family, I was able to push through my fears. Not only did it make me feel good, but so many people came up to me after or messaged me on Facebook to thank me for sharing my story.

Here is the speech I gave to the crowd. I had my sister stream it live to Facebook for all of those who couldn't be there that day.

Then came the New Year with new challenges, including making sure the voices of millions were heard by the new Trump Administration. In January, I traveled with Marissa and friends to Washington, D.C. for the Women's March. It was such an incredible experience getting to be part of this huge political event, and getting to meet so many like-minded people. So invigorating and mind-blowing!

In February, I hit the road again with Marissa, this time for an epic road trip down south. I flew out to NYC where she picked me up. We first hit Pennsylvania and went to Amish country for Marissa. Then off to Kentucky where we stayed in a tree house for a couple days and hiked the trails of Berea. From there, we went through the Great Smoky Mountains and on to Asheville, North Carolina. It was a lot of driving, but we made a lot of stops and enjoyed viewing the beauty of our great country.

Then just this week, I helped make one of my oldest and dearest friends smile after a hard day. My Megan was diagnosed with breast cancer late last year, and she made the bold decision to have a double mastectomy. We thought she was all in the clear, but a recent test just came back saying she would have to go through chemo. So I hit the store, and came over to her house with a bunch of candy to help make her feel better. I may have gone overboard, but it was totally worth it to see her smile.

So in short, no matter how bad I feel, there are always moments I can look back on that will bring a smile. I also know I have a lot more opportunities like this to come, so I need to remain vigilant and just keep pushing through the pain, because tomorrow will bring another amazing day.

A List

A list of things that have made me smile over the last few months:

• Visiting my friends back in Boston the other month. You never realize how much people mean to you until you don't get to see them often. My Boston family means the world to me, and I miss seeing them as often as I use to. Being able to hug them all made all the difference that month.
• Staying with Marissa while in Boston. She is such an amazing soul and I am so happy to have her in my life. She makes me smile, deals with my crazy shit, listens, gives great advice, understands. She's the friend you always wish you will have in your lifetime.
• Being able to help my nephew with his homework. Brendan asked me to read over an assignment he had to do for English on The Crucible. I was honored to be able to go through it and give him advice. Something I wouldn't have been able to do if I didn't come back home.
• The words of support from my coworkers. Recently a few have told me some really nice things about my work and ethic towards the office. It felt nice to know that even when I feel bad, like I didn't do something right or at least up to my satisfaction, people are noticing how hard I try and how much I love being there.
• Being able to be with my family. Being able to see them every day/week and getting to go to big events together... priceless.

Though I have been feeling rough, I can at least look at this list and know that I have it good. I am strong. I will get through this. 
 

Stress Relief

Catching up on my slacking when it comes to writing. It doesn't mean I haven't been enjoying life, just trying to be in the moment with those special events.

I have found happiness in so much lately. The other day I was very appreciative on my way in to work. I had a great cup of coffee which the taste reminded me of a friend. A song by the Shins came on that made me smile, and the cool crisp Fall morning made me happy.

My only problem lately is remembering to take my medication. However, being away from the stresses that were bringing me down has made a huge difference. I obviously know that I will not always be this lucky, but for the time being, I really appreciate it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to make myself get up more and be healthier. Living back at home, it's really easy to eat all the sweets the family buys for the kids. I spent a good chunk of time yesterday prepping some meals for the week. That's something I haven't done in quite a while, so it felt really good.

In other news, my friend Megan and I are looking into options to get out of the country. For nearly a decade we've talked about taking a dream vacation to England/Scotland/Ireland. It's always been difficult to do though when you are moving around and paying a shit ton in rent to be in a city you like, doing a job you love that pays not a lot. This time we are getting serious. I know I have a lot of debt to pay off, but right now seems like an ideal time to do it as I currently have no rent to pay. So fingers crossed on this working out. I want to see Stone Henge, Big Ben, the TARDIS! It'd just be great to do something big for myself, especially with one of my best and oldest friends.

Being There

As I wait to begin my new job as a freelancer at WJBK, I plan on taking this opportunity to focus on me. I began by taking the time this weekend to go with my brother and his wife up to Traverse City to celebrate their anniversary. It's an annual trip they've done since they got married and all their friends join and just have a blast.

I got their Saturday and immediately the fun began. We did a tour of the wineries in the area, including Jolly Pumpkin's brewery. Dinner and a bonfire followed with beer pong.

The next morning we headed out early and hit the bay for some fishing. It was just Megan, Jay and me so it was a great time to just hang with the family. We stayed out there for hours and caught a total of 6 fish. It was also so beautiful watching the sunrise over the bay.

The day continued with a game of Foot Golf, yes you heard me right. Golf using soccer balls on a large golf course. It was such a trip! So much fun and a great way to exercise.

Afterwards we hit up a bar for some food where I got excited because they had Michigan Lottery Pull Tabs. I haven't played those thing in forever so I had to buy a few. I bought a total of 5 for just $6, and ended up winning $100 on just 1 of them! Yeah, pretty epic.

Later that night we all went out once more to fish, this time we went about an hour away to Frankfort. We didn't catch any fish that time, but wow was it a gorgeous location. It reminded me of a small Maine town. The tiny bay we were in was surrounded by a mountainous region, old buildings, and it was also a Coast Guard location. The entire location and outing was so pretty and a blast.

It was just so nice to be able to finally go out on this trip after missing out for all these years. An amazing  chance to hang with my family that I am so glad I got to enjoy.

I plan on making these types of activities with my family and friends a normal thing. I have to make sure I care for myself and make myself a priority. So for these next couple weeks, it's all about getting my life in order, and getting out more with the people I love.

The Time Has Come

This post is about strength, and how I had to stand up for myself in order to protect my fragile situation.

Yesterday was my last day at WTOL. I decided to quit after having too many unpleasant situations with one of my managers. She was constantly condescending and micromanaging everything I did to where it hindered my work ability.

The situation came to a head 2 weeks ago when I had a breakdown after another one of her constant judging moments. I fell back into the blackness of not wanting to live. Something I have not felt in years. I just felt completely hopeless in my situation and not having a place to release my anger/sadness through my crafting as I had before did not help.

It was then that my therapist, family and I decided this job was just not worth it.

I felt as if I was giving up on a dream. I want to produce so bad, but the thought of being in such a negative environment where I wasn't even being allowed to do my job properly just made it all the easier to walk away.

WTOL wasn't all negative though. I made some of the best friends in the short time I was there.  People who were honest and taught me new things that helped me out. People with the same weird sense of humor as I and were fine with me being crazy.

Thank God for these friends who helped send me off With a smile, knowing how difficult this decision was, but understanding why it had to be done. I have been very lucky to keep getting jobs at locations with some of the best people around.

Now I am off on another adventure. I have accepted a freelance Associate Producer position back where my career started... WJBK in Detroit. Being freelance, I'll be able to make my own schedule and ease in to it. Even better, it is doing exactly what I had done there before, so it's a job I am already familiar with.

I have said it before and I'll say it again, I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. Though these past few months were difficult, I made it through, and have come out stronger. I was able to take a situation into my own hands and stand up for myself. I am now going back to a place I loved, and am going to make sure I give myself the time to live and not work myself to the bone. I'm making myself a priority, something I typically don't do.