Stress Relief

Catching up on my slacking when it comes to writing. It doesn't mean I haven't been enjoying life, just trying to be in the moment with those special events.

I have found happiness in so much lately. The other day I was very appreciative on my way in to work. I had a great cup of coffee which the taste reminded me of a friend. A song by the Shins came on that made me smile, and the cool crisp Fall morning made me happy.

My only problem lately is remembering to take my medication. However, being away from the stresses that were bringing me down has made a huge difference. I obviously know that I will not always be this lucky, but for the time being, I really appreciate it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to make myself get up more and be healthier. Living back at home, it's really easy to eat all the sweets the family buys for the kids. I spent a good chunk of time yesterday prepping some meals for the week. That's something I haven't done in quite a while, so it felt really good.

In other news, my friend Megan and I are looking into options to get out of the country. For nearly a decade we've talked about taking a dream vacation to England/Scotland/Ireland. It's always been difficult to do though when you are moving around and paying a shit ton in rent to be in a city you like, doing a job you love that pays not a lot. This time we are getting serious. I know I have a lot of debt to pay off, but right now seems like an ideal time to do it as I currently have no rent to pay. So fingers crossed on this working out. I want to see Stone Henge, Big Ben, the TARDIS! It'd just be great to do something big for myself, especially with one of my best and oldest friends.

Being There

As I wait to begin my new job as a freelancer at WJBK, I plan on taking this opportunity to focus on me. I began by taking the time this weekend to go with my brother and his wife up to Traverse City to celebrate their anniversary. It's an annual trip they've done since they got married and all their friends join and just have a blast.

I got their Saturday and immediately the fun began. We did a tour of the wineries in the area, including Jolly Pumpkin's brewery. Dinner and a bonfire followed with beer pong.

The next morning we headed out early and hit the bay for some fishing. It was just Megan, Jay and me so it was a great time to just hang with the family. We stayed out there for hours and caught a total of 6 fish. It was also so beautiful watching the sunrise over the bay.

The day continued with a game of Foot Golf, yes you heard me right. Golf using soccer balls on a large golf course. It was such a trip! So much fun and a great way to exercise.

Afterwards we hit up a bar for some food where I got excited because they had Michigan Lottery Pull Tabs. I haven't played those thing in forever so I had to buy a few. I bought a total of 5 for just $6, and ended up winning $100 on just 1 of them! Yeah, pretty epic.

Later that night we all went out once more to fish, this time we went about an hour away to Frankfort. We didn't catch any fish that time, but wow was it a gorgeous location. It reminded me of a small Maine town. The tiny bay we were in was surrounded by a mountainous region, old buildings, and it was also a Coast Guard location. The entire location and outing was so pretty and a blast.

It was just so nice to be able to finally go out on this trip after missing out for all these years. An amazing  chance to hang with my family that I am so glad I got to enjoy.

I plan on making these types of activities with my family and friends a normal thing. I have to make sure I care for myself and make myself a priority. So for these next couple weeks, it's all about getting my life in order, and getting out more with the people I love.

The Time Has Come

This post is about strength, and how I had to stand up for myself in order to protect my fragile situation.

Yesterday was my last day at WTOL. I decided to quit after having too many unpleasant situations with one of my managers. She was constantly condescending and micromanaging everything I did to where it hindered my work ability.

The situation came to a head 2 weeks ago when I had a breakdown after another one of her constant judging moments. I fell back into the blackness of not wanting to live. Something I have not felt in years. I just felt completely hopeless in my situation and not having a place to release my anger/sadness through my crafting as I had before did not help.

It was then that my therapist, family and I decided this job was just not worth it.

I felt as if I was giving up on a dream. I want to produce so bad, but the thought of being in such a negative environment where I wasn't even being allowed to do my job properly just made it all the easier to walk away.

WTOL wasn't all negative though. I made some of the best friends in the short time I was there.  People who were honest and taught me new things that helped me out. People with the same weird sense of humor as I and were fine with me being crazy.

Thank God for these friends who helped send me off With a smile, knowing how difficult this decision was, but understanding why it had to be done. I have been very lucky to keep getting jobs at locations with some of the best people around.

Now I am off on another adventure. I have accepted a freelance Associate Producer position back where my career started... WJBK in Detroit. Being freelance, I'll be able to make my own schedule and ease in to it. Even better, it is doing exactly what I had done there before, so it's a job I am already familiar with.

I have said it before and I'll say it again, I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. Though these past few months were difficult, I made it through, and have come out stronger. I was able to take a situation into my own hands and stand up for myself. I am now going back to a place I loved, and am going to make sure I give myself the time to live and not work myself to the bone. I'm making myself a priority, something I typically don't do.

Just Remember

Alright, so I have failed a bit on writing. Totally blame it on being too mentally exhausted from work. I love my job and my coworkers, but am having such a difficult time with my manager. The constant rude comments and eye rolls just drains me. However I know I'm good no matter what she thinks. Just because my way is different doesn't mean it's not right. Either way, I've been having to delve into my mind and remind myself of this as she has made me feel like a failure.

I think back to Boston and all I learned there. I gained so much from everyone and received so many compliments on my work. I still have some of the notes sent to me by coworkers for doing well on intense days. If only those days were back again, but I'm here, so I need to just keep them with me in my heart. There's just no pleasing some people, so it's time to ignore her and just go on.

A few other things I need to remember...

• Self-care is not selfish.
• Sleep doesn't solve my problems.
• Coloring is very therapeutic.
• Being there for the little moments has a big impact.
• Stolen moments though fleeting, can last for a long time.

Just have to keep pushing through.

"'Cause in Better Light, Everything Changes"

All I can say is... what a week. Extreme highs as well as lows.

One of the highs was going out to dinner with my siblings this week. I had a Groupon for one of my favorite places that was about to expire and figured it would be perfect to get us together. Sadly my brother Phil had work, but Jay, Megan, Dani and Raegan came out. We had great food and conversation. We attempted to teach Rae about "double dipping," but children always find a way to work around the rules... or just sneak a double dip while we were talking. It was great though to just get out, have a drink, and catch up at one of my favorite places.

The biggest reason I wanted a night out with them is because of work. It's to the point where I don't feel like I can work there without it deeply impacting my mental health. The constant issues with my manager are becoming too much for me to bear. The other day I had a breakdown with my family. It's difficult to work somewhere when you are being judged every second. I never had anything like this in Boston. The amount of "problems" this manager finds with my shows is ridiculous. It also brings you down so much that you basically just want to give up.

I love what I do. I love who I work with. However this is bringing me down so much I have fallen into a depression pit. I don't want to go to work. I end up sleeping all day. It's difficult because I know my track record, and I know where this could go.

As for now, I'm going to try my best to make it through. I finally have health insurance and am in the process of finding a therapist to get back to good. However I can already tell this is going to take a lot out of me.

In hopes of finding something good there, I began talking to a coworker about going out one night which happened this Friday. I met them after their night side shift at a bar in Downtown Toledo. The 6 of us had such a blast. It felt so much like Tuesdays with my F25 Family. Though there wasn't karaoke, we did hit up the jukebox with some of our favorites while we all got to know each other better. Being able to see the good of the job made me feel like if I just hold out, maybe it'll get better. Either way, I can have a blast with these wonderful people until then.

With only 1.5 hours of sleep, I then went over to my brother Phil's for a day on the boat with the family. Part of the reason I couldn't sleep was because Ruby was finally back from her weeks long vacation with her mom. I miss the girls so much when I don't get to see them, and having just moved back from Boston, I want to be able to spend as much time with them as possible.

Out on the water with all of them was such a blast. Ruby got to use the new water tube Phil bought them. She bit it hard her first time out, but damn she did well staying calm til we swung back around to get her. I then rode with her once, then Rae. Rae's ride was much slower of course, but she was so excited to have her own "boat." Throughout the day, more people joined us. Dani's brother Jake and his wife Lacey with their daughter Katelyn. Then Dani's friend Liz. It was just a blast!

After fun in the sun, we went back to Phil and Dani's. I bought us a pizza dinner, and then we all cuddled up and watched "Inside Out." It was a great way to end the day with the kiddos.

On the way back home, I turned on my Lucius album since I hadn't listened to the whole thing in a while. Driving through the back roads back home, my favorite song came on, the one that helped get me through the worst of my depression, and I couldn't help but cry. It was one of those moments where I began to think of all I would have missed if I wasn't here. How happy I am to be back home. Though I may be going through difficult times with my job and miss F25 insanely, I'm not here for the job. I'm here for my family, because I know how bad I was without them.

It also solidified my want to go out and tell my story. I want to let others know that they are not alone. Teach others that mental illness is natural... that they can overcome the pain... and that life is worth it.

An Amazing Week

After getting much rest to get back to normal, I am now ready to write about the incredible opportunities I was able to be a part of in Washington DC and Boston.

Being chosen to be one of the hundreds of Field Advocates to go and speak with lawmakers about the AFSP was truly an honor. For 4 days, I was able to learn so much about our mission, and the bills our organization is working to get put into law to help those with mental illness.

The first day, I was extremely nervous. I know I was there with so many people who have experienced the same things as I have, but I was still afraid. I still have this feeling like I am not "worthy," if that is event the appropriate word, of being there. Many of those who I was there with have lost friends/family or even attempted. Whereas I have only had suicidal ideation. It's weird I know, but to know that they have gone through more made me feel like I shouldn't have been there. However that changed almost immediately.

During the Forum's meet and greet, we were all asked to stand one at a time, and explain why we were a part of the organization. So many people I found had similar stories as I did. The feeling of hopelessness. Unending sadness. It was all okay though, because we were in a safe place to talk about it, where others have obviously been where we have at some point.

As the days went on, I met so many amazing people. It felt so good to be able to talk to people about my experience and hear theirs' with no judgment. No questions. Just understanding. I was also so relieved to speak with people who were able to help me put in to words the feelings I had. It's always been quite difficult to explain it to people. So to hear from others with a better understanding was quite remarkable.

On the day we got to go speak with lawmakers, it was hot and absolutely miserable. My feet had swollen, and blistered beyond belief in my shoes. I had sweat through my dress, and my makeup was all smeared off by the time I reached my first meeting.

Even so, our message was strong, and we got it through to many of the people with spoke with. Of course there was one who just didn't get it and said he was focused on other things, but hey, you can't win them all.





















After all the business end of stuff was done, I made sure I gave myself enough time to wander around the Capitol. I am such a huge fan of history, more being around it then just learning about it. So to be able to walk from the Capitol Building, down the National Mall, and hit all the amazing museums and iconic monuments was mind-blowing.

I was able to knock off quite a few things from my bucket list on this trip. The Smithsonian, the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial. My heart was just filled with so much pride. Seeing where our nation grew from, just unbelievable.

Next I went back to Boston for the 16-mile Out of the Darkness Walk for the AFSP. Mom and dad came out to be with me for it which was such a nice touch to the emotional event. I was so lucky to have such an amazing team by my side as well. Not just on the trail, but across the country. So many friends kept sending me messages of love and encouragement as we were walking. There were so many people too out along the path cheering us on.


At the beginning, Carlos Arredondo and his wife Melida help up a sign of encouragement. We also walked by several houses where people were sitting on their porches with candles and pictures of those they had lost, saying thank you to us for all we were doing to raise awareness. And the hugs! So many hugs from people who were also glad that we were out there doing something for the cause.


All the love was especially needed as the weather got so rough. The AFSP actually had to cut 3 miles off the walk because the weather was expected to get so treacherous at the height of the walk. At least in the beginning it was glorious. Chilly, but perfect for a long walk. But as the night went on, the winds picked up, rain started to pour down, and the temperature dropped dramatically. However our team pushed on... and we made it to the end. Granted I started talking to myself to keep myself going, at least I made Serpa giggle when she heard me saying under my breath, "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."

For me, the cold, wind and rain made it almost more symbolic. We were walking to raise awareness for mental illness and suicide prevention. The darkness, the pain, the loneliness though we were with thousands of people. It felt exactly as how I have always felt with my depression. And to myself I just kept saying, "I am in pain... but I am here." I am here because I was lucky and found help when I was at my worst.

Walking for roughly 14 miles in that crap weather was nothing compared to the pain I have felt for 31 years of my life. Making it through that without quitting to me, was just like how I have pushed myself to make it through life. Though it was shitty, I knew it would be over, and I would still be here, and tomorrow would be a new day.



I want to thank all my teammates and those who stepped in to be with us for coming out and helping with the cause. You are all such amazing people, and I couldn't have made it through the night without you and your strength pushing me on.

I would also like to thank all my friends who I was able to see while back in Bean Town. I miss you all so much and to be able to come and see you guys was such a joy and filled my heart with so much happiness. I cannot begin to tell you all how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Thank you all for being amazing people and being in my life.

The Journey Begins

After days of celebrating birthdays and having fun with the family, I headed out last night for the AFSP 2015 Advocacy Forum in DC. At the time I got my plane ticket though, I was still living in Boston with no plan of heading home. So to reduce any stress on me, I decided to spend the night in Boston instead of jumping planes early in the morning to get to DC from Detroit, but it wasn't all smooth sailing.

As I was packing up yesterday morning, one of the dresses I planned to wear failed to get properly cleaned by the dry cleaners early that week. I mean bad! It still had all the coffee stains, and they failed to even clean off the solutions they used on only ONE spot they attempted to clean. Luckily for me though, mom and dad use to run a dry cleaners. Mom was able to get it all out just in our washer before we had to leave. Thank God!!

I was also extremely lucky that my mom allowed me to borrow a ring of my grandma's for the trip. I wanted to have a bit of her with me as I was at the Forum, and especially for the Overnight night Saturday. It truly means a lot to have this little treasure. It was a ring she had specially made with all the stones from the rings my grandpa Milo had ever given to her. Not only is it beautiful, it's just meaningful to have something of hers with me as I head out on this big adventure.

So with everything all set luggage wise, off to the airport we went where it just got more fun. Knock on wood, I never have problems at Detroit Metro. However due to a failure on my part, I got searched. Basically I forgot about my Fitbit attached to my bra, so off course the full body scan picked up the hidden device. Luckily the woman realized it fast and I got to go on my way.

Then the actual plane ride was a treat. The guy next to me decided to take up all the armrest, including my control for the TV... lame. He also continued to bump his elbow into me the entire trip. Honestly, we was tinier than me, and his wife was in the seat next to him, so it was a little irritating he felt the need to take up so much space.

There was also no chance of sleep thanks to my neighbor, and the fact my seat failed to recline. Oh there was also that thing with the turbulence! It wasn't so bad, but already not feeling comfy or being able to sleep made the tension worse. UGH!

Then there was the bathroom incident. The captain came over saying we would soon be hitting another patch of turbulence as we were descending to Boston, so I decided to run to the bathroom. I decided to head to the back of the plane where I saw only bathroom was occupied. So I am booking it to make sure I'm not gonna go flying on the toilet... get there, open the door... yeah, man peeing. He failed to lock the door triggering the occupied light. I quickly slammed it shut, turned to a flight attendant, and just laughed. Seriously, what else could happen!?!?

All that aside, the turbulence down wasn't too bad upon landing. But we all received a good laugh from a little girl onboard. As the plane was taxiing for takeoff in Detroit, she proudly announced to everyone we were already flying. Adorbs! But it was when we landed she was even cuter. As soon as the wheels hit the runway, she screamed out with glee "We landed everybody!!!" The whole plane laughed and it was just such a wonderful ending to the uncomfortable ride.

Now here at my hotel. I'm enjoying the time I get to relax and study up a bit more for the forum in DC. The bed was comfy, the view insane as I splurged for a view of the city. So as I sit here with my coffee, I'm enjoying Boston from afar as the clouds and rain roll through the city I love. Don't worry Boston, I get to see it again in less than a week.

On to the next... here I come DC!!

Open Book

Let's get back to the beginning with what this blog was meant for.... a happy thing a day. (Thanks Yia Yia!)

Today's first two joys happened at work this morning.

Joy #1: I have been feeling bad about my new job lately. Now don't get me wrong... I love my coworkers and am so glad to be producing on a regular schedule. However I'm just not getting to a speed where I can get everything done before my shows go on.

So this morning (okay morning for me, 7p for the rest of you) I woke up early  to look up stories both locally and abroad to get a head start. But news is news... and of course there was a terrible shooting in South Carolina and a manhunt so things just didn't go as I hoped. Even through the craziness, I got my show on air, and it was really good and my anchors were great with all the new information coming in. I couldn't have been prouder.

And my new coworkers are just like my team back in Boston. We have each others backs; helping with stories, suggestions, everything needed to help get a show up and running smoothly. It felt really good especially with the breaking news to hear us all hollering around the newsroom all the new details or what we had done so someone else didn't have to waste their time doing it again. That's what I love about news. When I was young I never did, but I guess I just didn't have the right people on my time.

Joy #2: As I was getting ready to leave today, I remembered I hadn't taken my second does of Welbutrin for the day. My coworker Wendy spotted me popping my pill and made a joke about it being the "happy" kind. I sure as hell didn't deny it! So her and I got to chatting a bit about our "happy" pills, and when I told her I was also on Prozac it shocked her a bit. So I came out and told her it was because of my suicidal ideations. I told her how what I experienced that led me to this actually was the best thing that could've happened for me. I'm now an advocate, a voice for those too afraid to talk.

Now you're probably thinking, "Damn you only have been working there a month! Why tell something so intimate like that?" It all goes back to a clip I watched yesterday on the AFSP's YouTube page. It was a panel from a recent convention. The panel of three was there to talk about their "Lived Experience." The story of how they attempted suicide, but survived. The main thing I took away from it was that talking not only helps me, but helps others. Even my mom fundraising at her job for my upcoming walk told me how everyday someone would come up to her and say how my story hit them, then they'd tell her how suicide and/or mental illness impacted their life.

I chose to be an advocate for AFSP because I want to tell my story. Tell someone going through this same situation that they are not alone. That they are not weak, but strong for being. That's why I told her, and the conversation that came from it with her was wonderful.

The final joy of the day almost wasn't. Today, I sucked it up and got on the treadmill for the 4th day in a row! In fact, I'm on it right now typing this up.

I decided on Tuesday to take an old shelf and turn my parents' treadmill into a walking desk. I've been able to watch AFSP videos and study up for this coming week when I'm in DC advocating with lawmakers.

Have to say, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Hopefully this hill continues upward, and now I don't have an excuse to not blog.

Far Too Long...

I am back and extremely sorry for the insane delay between posts! Swear to you though, there was good reason.

Back in May, I was hired as a Morning Producer for WTOL in Toledo. Yep, that meant I got to go back home and be with the family!!!

My emotions were very mixed though.Yes, I was going to be back in Michigan, close to family. However that of course meant I had to leave WFXT, my Fox Family, The Commune and my most cherished of friends.

In the end, I knew this had to be done though. A major part of my depression was not being near family. The stress of trying to work out times to see them, missing pretty much every holiday and birthday; it was really wearing down on me.

So here I am, back at home and doing remarkably well.

The new job is great! My coworkers are insanely nice and brilliant. It is quite a change for me though. In smaller markets, there is a lot more the producer needs to do. Basically everything from producing to writing to researching on our own. It's quite a lot. I have done each of this jobs before both in Detroit and Boston, but never all at once in such a capacity. Though it is overwhelming at times, I am extremely grateful to have wonderful coworkers who all work as a team and we all help each other out.

It is also quite exciting to find out that my new health insurance is very helpful when it comes to my therapy and medications. All my psychological care is COMPLETELY covered with this group. That alone was such a relief I wanted to cry when I found out. In Boston, I was paying $40 a visit for up to 4 visits a month between my two doctors, not to mention the $100+ I had to pay monthly for all my meds. They understand that sucking my bank account dry does NOT help with anxiety and depression right?!? So yeah, can't wait for that to kick in, but finding myself a new therapist who I click with is gonna take a bit, and my insurance doesn't kick in til July. So fingers crossed I don' have to go too long before finding a good match.

On top of all that, I am 1 week... yes 1 WEEK away from going to Washington DC with the AFSP to speak to lawmakers about our mission. I am so grateful for this experience and can't wait to get my story out.

Then right after that... BACK TO BOSTON BABY!!! So happy to get to see my friends again and participate in the Overnight. I am also so thankful for all my friends who have asked if they could walk with us, even though they didn't sign up. They just want to be there with me and support this cause that is so dear to my heart. I am truly so lucky to have all these amazing people in my life.

So as you can see... so far, so good! My next mission here in Michigan is to find my own place, which has actually been quite fun. With the cost of living so low here, I am actually looking at homes rather than an apartment. A real place to call my own, to decorate, to demolish, to rebuild, to grow in. I've decided to stay here in Milan near my family. It's less than an hour from my new job, and obviously an area I love. I feel it will work out wonderfully.

So once again, many apologies for not writing sooner. So many times I would sit and want to write, but this new schedule has been difficult to get use to, but I'll manage. And I promise to get back to writing more often.  :)

Reflection

This weekend I have been thinking a lot about the things that make me happy. Technically, isn't that what this blog is about? Lately this is what has been making me smile.

• BJ Novak's "One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories"
• I have been listening to the audiobook of this for the past few days, and God is it hilarious! At first I was tempted to get the book itself, but am very happy that I got the audio version. It really allows you to hear exactly what Novak was trying to convey rather than just doing a solid read on my own.

                     "Slow and steady wins the race, till truth and talent claim their place."

• Overdrive
• This goes along with the above love of BJ Novak's book. I would not have been able to listen to it without the app Overdrive. All you need is a library card and the app... and boom!! Instant audio and digital books at your fingertips. Personally I've always said I prefer books over tablets/e-readers, but this is pretty cool. I still prefer books, but there is something about being able to immediately find a book from your library and start reading it immediately without having to drive or wait.
• Fridays
• Typically I am lame on Fridays, but lately I have been going out with my friends Joey and Marc. The past two Fridays we have hung out in Brighton, dancing the nights away. It makes me feel bad for staying so low-key all those other times, but thankful I have such awesome friends who convinced me to get off my ass and enjoy life. :)
• Walking
• So this I haven't done so much, but when I have, it feels great. Last week I went and began my training for the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk this June. I should have technically been doing it for a while now, but hey, I'm doing it now. Anyway, the 2 walks I did were 3 miles each. Not a big accomplishment, but just having that surge of endorphins I don't usually get felt pretty amazing.

                              Note to self: Stop being lazy. You feel better when you're moving.

• Sunshine
• Over the past couple of weeks, we have seen some beautiful days where jackets weren't needed, and the sun shined so brightly. We need more days like that. I miss mild temps and sunshine.
• Helping
• I was officially tapped to join other members and volunteers with the AFSP this June for a forum in Washington, DC. There I will be able to help educate lawmakers AFSP's research and ways they can help people in their states. This is seriously so cool, and it's over my birthday! I'm going to be in DC on my birthday! I've never been before and may be a little excited. Can you tell?
• Producing
• Last weekend was my final weekend helping out with the 6p on weekends. We finally got a permanent producer so I'm back to writing on Saturday and Sunday. But last Sunday's show I produced felt really good. I finally began to get back into my flow after a while of not producing. And though some thing hit the fan before and during my show, I stayed calm. No reason to panic especially when you have an awesome team to help you along. I received lots of compliments for Sunday's show, and am glad that is how I bowed out, until I'm called in again.

What a Day

I am frequently reminded during the roughest of times how lucky I am. Today it was the team work put forth during an insanely crazy day of news.

This week our managers are out of town for a big company meeting in Florida. That reduces us by quite a few people who can help get info, talk to reporters, write stories... especially during breaking news. Well today was a doozy!! Explosion in NYC, Hernandez's fiancée set to testify in court, new details in the Germanwings crash, as well as a lot of little shit that kept developing. Granted this makes for an amazing newscast, but when you are short staffed it can feel like hell. Luckily I work with such an amazing group of people that through the stress, we were able to great shows on for our viewers. 

There have been several times over the past couple weeks where I have just felt down, lonely, and really not happy with myself. I'd sit there at my computer, wishing my life were different. Wishing I was back home. Thinking that if I made some different decisions, maybe I wouldn't be so in debt. Maybe I wouldn't be single. Maybe I'd have a home of my own. However there is nothing good in thinking this way. Instead, I have to sit there and work to ignore those voices that put me down.

I know I have done everything right. Life just sometimes takes a while to give you what you want. Before my mind was set on my career. I did anything and everything to get where I am today. Now that I feel good in my job, it's time to start looking at the other things I have put on the back burner.

On a happy note... since I want this to continue to focus on the good... I finally began training for the Overnight in June. Nothing big, but nothing small. I went to the gym and walked 3-miles on a treadmill. It wasn't difficult, but my legs felt it afterwards. I have been terrible and pushing off my training for a while now. Blaming everything from illness, to the weather, to long work days of blizzard coverage... anything to make me feel like my decision to stay home was legit. But when I was done, I felt incredible! With those endorphins flowing, I felt like I could take on the world! Now to keep this up, and push myself to get ready for the 16-miles I'm gonna tackle in a few short months, with family and friends by my side.

Just Dance

As I was driving home the other day, I happened to come across the song "Run Around Sue" on the radio. It was one of the songs my dance partner danced to when I did competitive dancing when I was little.

Listening to it brought back so many amazing memories from those days. The travel, the fun, the costumes, the experiences. How many kids can say they took dance lessons in Las Vegas with legendary jazz dance teacher Frank Hatchett? The one thing that really hit me though was how lucky I was to have such a warm family to support me through it.

You turn on TV nowadays and you see those crazy dance shows with aggressive teachers and snobby stage moms pushing their kids towards greatness. These children are turned into robots that have to be perfect at everything. That's not my experience.

Mom was always happy and willing to help the studio in anyway. She never pushed us to practice 24/7, or yelled when we did something wrong during a performance. In fact, I was harder on myself than she was. I was actually not so pleasant on several occasions, but she was always there... calm and supportive. I didn't win gold medals every competition. I wasn't the best dancer, nor was I the worst. I was however one of the luckiest though, because I had an amazing team supporting me. 

Today was a Good Day

This weekend was a little rough after I got home from Michigan. I had a lingering sickness. Indie also fell ill. Driving home I cracked my windshield. Parking I hit a pole. As you can see, things just weren't going my way.

Today that changed. 

The people I spoke with from the insurance company were really sweet and cooperative. Not stressful at all. 

Then at work, we all were very lighthearted. It was work and shenanigans just like we used to. Jokes, songs, cooperation, and lots of laughter. 

My wonderful cousin Jess hit me up, saying she had signed up to do the Overnight with my team. It's been amazing how many people have chosen to join, as well as how supportive they've been. 

After work, it was time for the bar. Everyone was able to come out, even Siobhan. She drove all the way down from New Hampshire to hang out. It was also her birthday at the stroke of midnight, so we were able to help welcome in another year of her amazing life.

Now with my new meds, I'm not supposed to drink. It can be a VERY bad combo. So I drank water the entire night, and just kind of absorbed in the entire scene. I was in that moment I realized just how lucky I am. I have amazing friends. I'm extremely lucky to have a job, a home, and a loving family. 

I know it is so easy to get down on myself or fall into a pit of despair, but it's days like this when things just come together in a beautiful dance and makes me smile.

"Goin' up, on a Tuesday!" 

Keep Breathing

So I continue to push on. Nothing seems to make me happy. I laugh and joke, but just feel numb. Even things that should bring me joy leave me sad/stressed. Then the things that so stress me out hit a whole new level and feel overwhelming. I feel I make these big plans for myself and fail to follow through. Then the things I do follow through with never end up how I wanted. So tired of this.

What Makes Me Smile

So just a few things I wanted to mention that have made me smile lately.

1. Fun with coworkers when stuck in hotels doing storm coverage
2. Crafting
3. Singing really loudly in the car
4. Memories from childhood such as...
• Dad coming home with a new CD for me that he knew I'd like. The ones I can remember that made me smile: LeAnn Rimes first album, Hanson's first album, a greatest hits collection of the singer Melanie so I could have the song "Brand New Key"
• Elizabeth Park
• The comfort of being wrapped in my parents arms
• My grandma's voice, especially when she sang with my great-aunts
5. The beauty of the snow
6. Maple Bourbon Pears
7. Silly Snapchats from friends
8. The comfort you get when you return home to your own bed after storm coverage
9. How my parents are coming out in June for my walk
10. How my friends are participating my walk
11. Knowing I am good enough for anything the world has to throw my way

There's probably more, but these were the big things that first came to mind. :)

The Ups and Downs

There has been so much that has happened recently... good and bad. My emotions have been all over the place as of late, and I've had to make decisions that I felt would benefit me and my mental health. So here is where it's all gonna come out. So please reader, bear with me.

A couple weeks ago I had to tell one of the sweetest guys ever that I couldn't handle a relationship right now. I had been open early on about my depression and how my medication has made it hard for me to have feelings for anyone. AKA: I have no desire to be with anyone. This completely sucks. I want to be in a relationship, but I have no desire on any level for anything. Not only that, but sadly our schedules and long distance situation made it extremely stressful in my head to try and wrap myself around any attempt to continue. So with a heavy heart, and lots of tears, I had to tell him we could not be. In the end, I had to think of myself, and right now I cannot emotionally handle such a situation. So... blarg. :(

My situation has my brain turning the simplest things into major issues. Medication or not... it's difficult to handle. So things that are on the very low end of stressful have felt overwhelming as of late. Between work with all these snow storms and seeing fellow coworkers under appreciated, to just taking the time to go grocery shopping and clean. It's been an absolute task to try and deal.

On a good note, I joined fellow AFSP volunteer Kelly at an even the other week at a local high school. Before getting there, I was positive the kids would see the word "suicide" on our table and walk right by. Needless to say, I was shocked at how many of these high schoolers took the time to speak with us. They asked for information on how to help, what they can do for friends, who can they contact. I was even open with quite a few about my previous thoughts of suicide.

Later as my conversations continued with the students and teachers, I learned that their high school had dealt with 3 suicides over the last year. I was so shocked by this. It began to make sense why so many of these teenagers were so open about it. The high school even stepped up and have brought in a program called Signs of Suicide (SOS). It helps teach students and teachers signs to look for, and ways to help.

Along with the students, we met the mother of one of those suicide victims. She was actually sitting next to us at a table, talking about a foundation she started in her daughter's memory. Next to them, another mother with her daughter, talking about the daughter's battle with bi-polar disorder. She had to be hospitalized for a month when she was at her worst. As they told us what they dealt with, I was absolutely sickened when they said her school made them cover up her illness. Rather than revealing her mental health problem, they had her tell her fellow students she was being treated for alcoholism!

That's why they were there. That's why we were there. Suffering from a mental illness is not shameful. There is no difference from what we deal with, and a person being treated for diabetes or cancer. It's nothing we can control. We did not ask for this. And this is why I open up in this blog to all of you.

None of us should be afraid to ask for help. It should not have to take a person's death to make people talk. If mental illness wasn't seen as such a shameful thing, and talked about in health classes like sex ed is, just think of all the kids who can be helped. I continue to think that is maybe there was something like that when I was in school, I may have realized I had depression earlier in life and began treatment before it almost became too late.

On February 9th, I will be joining the AFSP at the Massachusetts Coalition for Suicide Prevention (MCSP)’s Annual State House Day in Boston. Being at the State House, I am planning to try to speak with a few state representatives to offer up my story and ideas on ways we can help. I'm grateful for these opportunities I have been given, and hope that by telling my story, I can help others at a higher level.

UPDATE:
So after writing this and saving it, I just wanted to express my sincere gratitude to my coworkers. I wish I could explain how amazing each one of them are. How much I've learned from them. How much of a bond I feel with them. Tonight was a bit of a rough night, but we all were able to talk about it, and it was nice to know that we are all on the same page. We all know that we are powerful together. We all know that we are amazing together. There was such an amazing moment when we all kind of spilled our grief, let out a couple tears, and realized we are not alone. We have each other. We will get through this, and I absolutely know I am working with the best team in TV news. We have been through so much in the few years I've been here, and every moment has been the most professional, enviable news coverage in the books.

To my coworkers... never forget how incredible you are. I know I won't. You each have taught me so much, and I am over the moon grateful for just being able to work with you all.

Brave

This past week has been a complete cluster. My mind has been giving me grief. I feel like people have let me down, and vice versa. Then my body turned on me from the exhaustion leading to a Strep diagnosis. Luckily for me, I have incredible friends who have been there to help me push through.

Last weekend, I produced my last shows at work for the time being. It was hectic, and add on my depression… no bueno. I felt absolutely overwhelmed. My self-esteem was so low that I could not focus, and did nothing but doubt everything I did. That feeling would just not go away.

By Monday, I could not hold in my emotions. I cried all the way to work, and broke down silently several times during my shift. My coworker Marissa asked me during the day how I was doing, and I broke down to her. So we decided to meet up after work.

The two of us have had some hard times lately, so it was good for the both of us to have the opportunity to vent. I picked her up at her house and took her to a nearby bar we both enjoy. I told her about my problems, and she told me about hers. It was great to be able to let it out. Just being able to voice things, no matter how ridiculous you know they are, to just verbalize those feelings really takes the weight of it off your mind.

To me, the best part was a moment I had with Marissa where she was able to understand my depression. I have been doing this blog to try to get people to understand. So sitting there with her and seeing that it can be done was ineffable. There is something in everyone’s life where they have been able to feel what I have felt, even for just a moment. So when she realized it and could describe it, I just sat there and cried.

Marissa has been a strong supporter of my efforts to tell the world about my illness. She herself is a strong soul who cares about people, and works hard to try and make the world a better place as much as she can. There have been a number of days where I have told her my ideas on ways to help, or things I’ve done or will be doing for the AFSP and she is always so enthusiastic.

I remember one day she sent me a series of texts after reading through my blog for the first time. She told me how she was in awe of me, and couldn’t believe how brave I was to speak so frankly about my illness. These are words she continues to use when I ask her to check letters I plan on sending for the AFSP, or tell her about things I want to do to help.

Brave. That’s a word I never thought would be used to describe me… EVER! Now it seems to be a word that continues to pop up. It’s now time that I begin to believe in myself.

Fresh New Start

I hope everyone had a wonderful beginning to 2015. I know I certainly did.

Hit up NYC with my friend Marissa. We went to Matty's place in Brooklyn and then hit up his sister's apartment a little ways down the road. It was such a blast. So many new wonderful people we met. I got to meet Matt's sisters... terrifying yet also amazing. (Come on it's always a little scary meeting the new man's fam)

I was so excited because not only did Kate have a beautiful apartment and kick ass party spread... her apartment's roof looked out over the city! So we rang in 2015 from there, popping bottles of champagne, lighting sparklers, and watching the fireworks over Brooklyn and the Statue of Liberty. It was so heartwarming to be there with all those wonderful people, sharing the start of something new.

You always start off a new year hopeful that things will be better than the year before. Most of the time thinking they obviously can't get worse right? I plan on making this year better, and actively engaging in making the best of it.

 Here's what I'm looking forward to accepting/accomplishing for 2015:

• I will be happy in the place I work.
• I will be who I am, no matter the flaws, because that's what makes me perfect.
• I will help others who feel alone in this battle with depression.
• I will make my story heard.
• I will turn my struggles into my strength.
• I will fight harder for those who never got the chance to be heard.

2014 was a pretty intense and gratifying year. I learned. I loved. I lost. I won. As each day went by, my vision of the future became clearer, which is especially nice as I always lived in the past. I found people who I could share my story with. A way to use my pain as a source of knowledge to those who do not understand the plight. I have met people this year who have given me the strength to try. The feeling that I am making a difference in a way I never would have imagined.

I am thankful for you 2014, but we are done. Now it’s time to start anew, but you’ll always be a big part of my life.