Escaping in the Craft(ing)

No more clarity

the moments I have that are happy are fleeting

so sick of having to deal with this

The days you wish you could just go away never end

I just sit there in bed or playing on my computer wishing for a life that I don't have 

nothing really seems to bring joy anymore 

I still sit there with a smile 

pretend it's all okay 

but inside I'm wondering when this will all end

That was a random rambling of thoughts I had on my way home from work the other week. So many things were running through my head that I had to take out my phone and do Voice-to-Text just to get them out.

When I say "when this will all end," I'm not talking death, so don't worry. I mean the constant fluctuation in my moods. The depression is getting to be terrible. I'm only feeling "meh" on most days. Also doesn't help that I've had this sinus infection bringing me down. Also too many unknowns going on in life and at work that really have my head frazzled. I do have happy times. However it doesn't take long for them to disappear and I just remain quiet.

Some of my happiest moments are being a recluse in the craft room. I know it's not good to hide away, but it seems to be the only time when I am out of my head, and focusing on something that completely takes all the thoughts away.

Vanity at the start

I'm currently working on a refinishing my great-grandmother's vanity. Just need to put on a sealing coat and get new drawer handles for it. I'm really loving it. Just the fact that I have such a treasured piece of family history makes me smile. There was actually a Radio Lab episode I heard the other day where they were talking about how some people feel when they are surrounded by history. Some people feel a magical moment of being in the place where something marvelous happened... others just see the object. I'm more of the magical feeling type person. I love museums, I love historical objects. When I am in the presence of something that had significant value in space and time... it makes me feel alive. That's how it feels having that vanity. A piece of family history that has gone from my great-grandmother, to my grandmother, my mother, and now me. While working on it, I kept finding little things about it that made me think of what it must have been like back then when they were using it. The wheels on the bottom, something I originally planned to remove/replace... now being kept because upon closer look, I realized they were not shotty metal or plastic wheels we are all use to now. They were wood. Completely fashioned our of wood. That tiny little detail makes it so amazing to me that I could not bring myself to take them off.

Once I'm done, I'll definitely post pictures.

However my time crafting has me looking for other hobbies that will keep my busy, be beneficial, and give me a creative outlet. So for my new endeavor, I'm planning on making my own clothes. I know crazy, but also in a way smart. I always have a hard time finding exactly what I want. When I do, it's typically never in a size that works for my body, or extremely pricey so I don't buy it. To remedy all that, I decided that I will invest in a sewing machine, and try my hand at making my own clothes. Obviously I'm not planning on being amazing from the start. But from humble beginnings testing out revamps of shirts/skirts/pants, I'm hoping I'll be able to work up to something nice. 

Anyway, it's just for me. If it's not perfect, that's okay. It's the process of working through it that counts.

Below are some of the other things I have worked on for my room.

Lamp I redid. Was Black with Silver Shade

Ikea Side Table. Use to be all black.

Side table bits and mirror I painted.

Vanity stool. Was also once black.

Finished side table and lamp.

Just Smile

My co-blogger

The voices are getting louder, and my head is beginning to fill again with thoughts. Bad thoughts. I'm beginning to put myself down. I'm angry. Upset. Sad. Drained. Uninterested in the things that brought me joy or pride. In fact, all I want to do is lock myself upstairs in my craft room and not speak to anyone. Not go to work. Not go anywhere. Just hunker down and deal with myself, with my bad thoughts, and try to get them to stop being so loud inside my head.

So today I felt it was extremely important to sit and remember back on the good that happened today, just what this blog is about. Here's what I came up with.

I woke early to my normal alarm clocks. Bear and Indie. Those lil butts cannot stand for me to be in bed, but when I wake, they love they give is so heartwarming. They are also continuing to get closer, or at least deal with each others presence in the house. I was able to walk around the house today, followed by both boys, with no animosity between them. There were also several instances where they would sniff each others faces and didn't seem disgusted. PROGRESS!

I also received a call from my brother Phil today. It had been a while since we chatted and since he also works a weird schedule like me, he was able to call when I was at home. We talked about the girls, our upcoming goals, our family, and just about everything else. It was awesome, and I was so happy he called.

Then we come to this... cake.

Holy amazing tasty goodness!

My Commune Companions downstairs just celebrated their 1 year anniversary. Oh by the way, did I mention I've known her since we were 12, and her husband just so happens to be one of my besties from college?! Anyhoo... Megan had IM'd me earlier this morning saying they were in desperate need to get rid of their wedding cake. Not for anything bad... but because it was so good, and over this anniversary weekend her and Charlie almost killed it off and needed someone to save them from the remainder. However between my call with Phil and beginning a new project today, it totally slipped my mind and I went to work without hopping downstairs to nab a piece.

At work as I felt myself getting more angry at stupid shit

and really beginning to feel down, I realized how I had forgotten to grab the remaining cake. I began to get down on myself for that because I felt it would be a great treat for when I got home and needed to unwind. But alas, I failed.

When I got home, I went through my normal routine of feeding Indie, letting Bear lick the spoon, then off I went to try and find something to eat. As I turned the lights on to cook up some Bread Cheese to go with a glass of Malbec, on the counter what do I see? CAKE! My Commune Companions came through and must have dropped it off with Caitlin when she got home. Best neighbors ever for the win!

So now as I sit here with cake, cheese, chips, and wine... I can't help but think that though I am off my game and not feeling happy, there is always something to smile about.

 

Sara Bareilles singing Smile at the Emmy's. Beautiful and worthwhile. 

(Don't mind the audio from memoriam tribute)

Good Deeds

The main mission of this blog when I began was to focus on the good things that happen everyday. Today was no exception.

I have been feeling pretty lousy lately. Constant headaches. Lethargic. Not interested in doing things. I've been feeling this boiling up, so I don't know if it is my depression, sickness, or both. I ended up staying in bed all morning. Constantly falling back to sleep until I absolutely had to wake up and get ready for work (which I honestly almost called out, yeah feeling that bad).

Having slept in I did not make myself dinner for work, nor had I ate at all. I decided to stop by Whole Foods to grab some food that would hopefully perk me up. A quesadilla, and my favorite carrot cake.

While there I ran in to one of my coworkers. She is always a huge support system for me. We gave a quick hello as I was running to get in to work. As I was getting ready to pay for my food, she ran up in the line, told the woman my money was no good today, and bought my meal. I fought. She insisted. The workers and people in line just laughed. So I let her.

I was extremely grateful. Even thanked her again at work. She said I'm constantly doing a lot for them, and it was the least she could do for me. It was so sweet.

Then I mentioned on Facebook and Twitter how wonderful it was to have someone do a random act of kindness for me on a day that started bad. After prompting the show, I came back to my desk to find a sweet treat left by another coworker.

Seriously?! How am I so lucky to work at such a fabulous place?

I was also complimented by our News Director yesterday for all the help I've been offering to the web team as they have been short staffed... as well as still doing my job.

It was such instances that put smiles on my face through these days that I have been feeling down.

Once again, I am just so thankful for where live has led me, and the people I have been so fortunate enough to meet.

Continuing the fight with these people by my side makes the battle less difficult.

Here's to the Ladies

Today I can't help but feel blessed at how I am surrounded by such strong women.

Work has been immensely crazy lately with the upcoming trade of ownership, and many people leaving ahead of it. All of us have had to double, even triple down on duties just to make sure everything gets done, and obviously in my business, the show is going on no matter what is going on behind the scenes.

Through this craziness, I have witnessed most everyone stepping up. However it is the work of my producer Aly that continues to motivate me to continue to be a producer. She has on several occasions had to act as executive producer for the 5/6p, as well as produce and EP her own 10/11p shows. The same goes for when Aly is gone. Our EP Kimmy will solo it all too... and that blows my mind!

Same goes for the ladies I work with who have to deal with this crazy life of news AND be wives/mothers. These women are so dedicated to work, but also to their families, and in this field, juggling both duties can be hard, but these women do it with a grace and attitude that is so inspirational.

I know I am just beginning in my producer duty, but if I could be anywhere near as awesome as these ladies for just one show, I'd be ever so grateful. I already am though just for the simple fact that these are the people I get to learn from, and work with daily.

My life has been filled with strong women. My mother, grandmothers, great-aunts, great grandmothers, friends. All of them have a story of how they overcame situations. I guess everyone does. I just love hearing those stories. It pushes me to move more towards my dreams when I see/think of all these wonderful women. How could I deny strength like that when I am surrounded by it?

Once again. I am so very thankful for the opportunities I have been given... especially where they have all led me, and for the amazing people I have met along the way. 

What To Do

I've been having a difficult time these past few weeks. I've been feeling myself going downhill, and it's starting to come to a head. Though I am not dwelling on negative thoughts, I just don't feel happy. That's about it. No reason for it. Just feel wiped out, and I don't really want to be around people.

When I finished my craft corner, it was solely so I could have a place to get away from the world. Just sometimes you need to get away, and that's how I've been feeling lately.

I knew this was coming. It's crazy that I can now understand my feelings and know when this is happening. At least now I can tell myself it's just my depression, but it doesn't make it any easier. Last week I spoke to both my doctors about upping my meds and trying to work on how to handle moments like this. All I can do is sit and wait now for things to kick in, and continue to work on myself through the help of my therapist.

Don't have much more to say. Just feeling mentally exhausted and ready for my weekend. Ready for this feeling to go away.