So I continue to push on. Nothing seems to make me happy. I laugh and joke, but just feel numb. Even things that should bring me joy leave me sad/stressed. Then the things that so stress me out hit a whole new level and feel overwhelming. I feel I make these big plans for myself and fail to follow through. Then the things I do follow through with never end up how I wanted. So tired of this.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
What Makes Me Smile
So just a few things I wanted to mention that have made me smile lately.
- Fun with coworkers when stuck in hotels doing storm coverage
- Crafting
- Singing really loudly in the car
- Memories from childhood such as...
- Dad coming home with a new CD for me that he knew I'd like. The ones I can remember that made me smile: LeAnn Rimes first album, Hanson's first album, a greatest hits collection of the singer Melanie so I could have the song "Brand New Key"
- Elizabeth Park
- The comfort of being wrapped in my parents arms
- My grandma's voice, especially when she sang with my great-aunts
- The beauty of the snow
- Maple Bourbon Pears
- Silly Snapchats from friends
- The comfort you get when you return home to your own bed after storm coverage
- How my parents are coming out in June for my walk
- How my friends are participating my walk
- Knowing I am good enough for anything the world has to throw my way
Monday, February 2, 2015
The Ups and Downs
There has been so much that has happened recently... good and bad. My emotions have been all over the place as of late, and I've had to make decisions that I felt would benefit me and my mental health. So here is where it's all gonna come out. So please reader, bear with me.
A couple weeks ago I had to tell one of the sweetest guys ever that I couldn't handle a relationship right now. I had been open early on about my depression and how my medication has made it hard for me to have feelings for anyone. AKA: I have no desire to be with anyone. This completely sucks. I want to be in a relationship, but I have no desire on any level for anything. Not only that, but sadly our schedules and long distance situation made it extremely stressful in my head to try and wrap myself around any attempt to continue. So with a heavy heart, and lots of tears, I had to tell him we could not be. In the end, I had to think of myself, and right now I cannot emotionally handle such a situation. So... blarg. :(
My situation has my brain turning the simplest things into major issues. Medication or not... it's difficult to handle. So things that are on the very low end of stressful have felt overwhelming as of late. Between work with all these snow storms and seeing fellow coworkers under appreciated, to just taking the time to go grocery shopping and clean. It's been an absolute task to try and deal.
On a good note, I joined fellow AFSP volunteer Kelly at an even the other week at a local high school. Before getting there, I was positive the kids would see the word "suicide" on our table and walk right by. Needless to say, I was shocked at how many of these high schoolers took the time to speak with us. They asked for information on how to help, what they can do for friends, who can they contact. I was even open with quite a few about my previous thoughts of suicide.
Later as my conversations continued with the students and teachers, I learned that their high school had dealt with 3 suicides over the last year. I was so shocked by this. It began to make sense why so many of these teenagers were so open about it. The high school even stepped up and have brought in a program called Signs of Suicide (SOS). It helps teach students and teachers signs to look for, and ways to help.
Along with the students, we met the mother of one of those suicide victims. She was actually sitting next to us at a table, talking about a foundation she started in her daughter's memory. Next to them, another mother with her daughter, talking about the daughter's battle with bi-polar disorder. She had to be hospitalized for a month when she was at her worst. As they told us what they dealt with, I was absolutely sickened when they said her school made them cover up her illness. Rather than revealing her mental health problem, they had her tell her fellow students she was being treated for alcoholism!
That's why they were there. That's why we were there. Suffering from a mental illness is not shameful. There is no difference from what we deal with, and a person being treated for diabetes or cancer. It's nothing we can control. We did not ask for this. And this is why I open up in this blog to all of you.
None of us should be afraid to ask for help. It should not have to take a person's death to make people talk. If mental illness wasn't seen as such a shameful thing, and talked about in health classes like sex ed is, just think of all the kids who can be helped. I continue to think that is maybe there was something like that when I was in school, I may have realized I had depression earlier in life and began treatment before it almost became too late.
On February 9th, I will be joining the AFSP at the Massachusetts Coalition for Suicide Prevention (MCSP)’s Annual State House Day in Boston. Being at the State House, I am planning to try to speak with a few state representatives to offer up my story and ideas on ways we can help. I'm grateful for these opportunities I have been given, and hope that by telling my story, I can help others at a higher level.
UPDATE:
So after writing this and saving it, I just wanted to express my sincere gratitude to my coworkers. I wish I could explain how amazing each one of them are. How much I've learned from them. How much of a bond I feel with them. Tonight was a bit of a rough night, but we all were able to talk about it, and it was nice to know that we are all on the same page. We all know that we are powerful together. We all know that we are amazing together. There was such an amazing moment when we all kind of spilled our grief, let out a couple tears, and realized we are not alone. We have each other. We will get through this, and I absolutely know I am working with the best team in TV news. We have been through so much in the few years I've been here, and every moment has been the most professional, enviable news coverage in the books.
To my coworkers... never forget how incredible you are. I know I won't. You each have taught me so much, and I am over the moon grateful for just being able to work with you all.
A couple weeks ago I had to tell one of the sweetest guys ever that I couldn't handle a relationship right now. I had been open early on about my depression and how my medication has made it hard for me to have feelings for anyone. AKA: I have no desire to be with anyone. This completely sucks. I want to be in a relationship, but I have no desire on any level for anything. Not only that, but sadly our schedules and long distance situation made it extremely stressful in my head to try and wrap myself around any attempt to continue. So with a heavy heart, and lots of tears, I had to tell him we could not be. In the end, I had to think of myself, and right now I cannot emotionally handle such a situation. So... blarg. :(
My situation has my brain turning the simplest things into major issues. Medication or not... it's difficult to handle. So things that are on the very low end of stressful have felt overwhelming as of late. Between work with all these snow storms and seeing fellow coworkers under appreciated, to just taking the time to go grocery shopping and clean. It's been an absolute task to try and deal.
On a good note, I joined fellow AFSP volunteer Kelly at an even the other week at a local high school. Before getting there, I was positive the kids would see the word "suicide" on our table and walk right by. Needless to say, I was shocked at how many of these high schoolers took the time to speak with us. They asked for information on how to help, what they can do for friends, who can they contact. I was even open with quite a few about my previous thoughts of suicide.
Later as my conversations continued with the students and teachers, I learned that their high school had dealt with 3 suicides over the last year. I was so shocked by this. It began to make sense why so many of these teenagers were so open about it. The high school even stepped up and have brought in a program called Signs of Suicide (SOS). It helps teach students and teachers signs to look for, and ways to help.
Along with the students, we met the mother of one of those suicide victims. She was actually sitting next to us at a table, talking about a foundation she started in her daughter's memory. Next to them, another mother with her daughter, talking about the daughter's battle with bi-polar disorder. She had to be hospitalized for a month when she was at her worst. As they told us what they dealt with, I was absolutely sickened when they said her school made them cover up her illness. Rather than revealing her mental health problem, they had her tell her fellow students she was being treated for alcoholism!
That's why they were there. That's why we were there. Suffering from a mental illness is not shameful. There is no difference from what we deal with, and a person being treated for diabetes or cancer. It's nothing we can control. We did not ask for this. And this is why I open up in this blog to all of you.
None of us should be afraid to ask for help. It should not have to take a person's death to make people talk. If mental illness wasn't seen as such a shameful thing, and talked about in health classes like sex ed is, just think of all the kids who can be helped. I continue to think that is maybe there was something like that when I was in school, I may have realized I had depression earlier in life and began treatment before it almost became too late.
On February 9th, I will be joining the AFSP at the Massachusetts Coalition for Suicide Prevention (MCSP)’s Annual State House Day in Boston. Being at the State House, I am planning to try to speak with a few state representatives to offer up my story and ideas on ways we can help. I'm grateful for these opportunities I have been given, and hope that by telling my story, I can help others at a higher level.
UPDATE:
So after writing this and saving it, I just wanted to express my sincere gratitude to my coworkers. I wish I could explain how amazing each one of them are. How much I've learned from them. How much of a bond I feel with them. Tonight was a bit of a rough night, but we all were able to talk about it, and it was nice to know that we are all on the same page. We all know that we are powerful together. We all know that we are amazing together. There was such an amazing moment when we all kind of spilled our grief, let out a couple tears, and realized we are not alone. We have each other. We will get through this, and I absolutely know I am working with the best team in TV news. We have been through so much in the few years I've been here, and every moment has been the most professional, enviable news coverage in the books.
To my coworkers... never forget how incredible you are. I know I won't. You each have taught me so much, and I am over the moon grateful for just being able to work with you all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)