All I can say is... what a week. Extreme highs as well as lows.
One of the highs was going out to dinner with my siblings this week. I had a Groupon for one of my favorite places that was about to expire and figured it would be perfect to get us together. Sadly my brother Phil had work, but Jay, Megan, Dani and Raegan came out. We had great food and conversation. We attempted to teach Rae about "double dipping," but children always find a way to work around the rules... or just sneak a double dip while we were talking. It was great though to just get out, have a drink, and catch up at one of my favorite places.
The biggest reason I wanted a night out with them is because of work. It's to the point where I don't feel like I can work there without it deeply impacting my mental health. The constant issues with my manager are becoming too much for me to bear. The other day I had a breakdown with my family. It's difficult to work somewhere when you are being judged every second. I never had anything like this in Boston. The amount of "problems" this manager finds with my shows is ridiculous. It also brings you down so much that you basically just want to give up.
I love what I do. I love who I work with. However this is bringing me down so much I have fallen into a depression pit. I don't want to go to work. I end up sleeping all day. It's difficult because I know my track record, and I know where this could go.
As for now, I'm going to try my best to make it through. I finally have health insurance and am in the process of finding a therapist to get back to good. However I can already tell this is going to take a lot out of me.
In hopes of finding something good there, I began talking to a coworker about going out one night which happened this Friday. I met them after their night side shift at a bar in Downtown Toledo. The 6 of us had such a blast. It felt so much like Tuesdays with my F25 Family. Though there wasn't karaoke, we did hit up the jukebox with some of our favorites while we all got to know each other better. Being able to see the good of the job made me feel like if I just hold out, maybe it'll get better. Either way, I can have a blast with these wonderful people until then.
With only 1.5 hours of sleep, I then went over to my brother Phil's for a day on the boat with the family. Part of the reason I couldn't sleep was because Ruby was finally back from her weeks long vacation with her mom. I miss the girls so much when I don't get to see them, and having just moved back from Boston, I want to be able to spend as much time with them as possible.
Out on the water with all of them was such a blast. Ruby got to use the new water tube Phil bought them. She bit it hard her first time out, but damn she did well staying calm til we swung back around to get her. I then rode with her once, then Rae. Rae's ride was much slower of course, but she was so excited to have her own "boat." Throughout the day, more people joined us. Dani's brother Jake and his wife Lacey with their daughter Katelyn. Then Dani's friend Liz. It was just a blast!
After fun in the sun, we went back to Phil and Dani's. I bought us a pizza dinner, and then we all cuddled up and watched "Inside Out." It was a great way to end the day with the kiddos.
On the way back home, I turned on my Lucius album since I hadn't listened to the whole thing in a while. Driving through the back roads back home, my favorite song came on, the one that helped get me through the worst of my depression, and I couldn't help but cry. It was one of those moments where I began to think of all I would have missed if I wasn't here. How happy I am to be back home. Though I may be going through difficult times with my job and miss F25 insanely, I'm not here for the job. I'm here for my family, because I know how bad I was without them.
It also solidified my want to go out and tell my story. I want to let others know that they are not alone. Teach others that mental illness is natural... that they can overcome the pain... and that life is worth it.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Sunday, July 5, 2015
An Amazing Week
After getting much rest to get back to normal, I am now ready to write about the incredible opportunities I was able to be a part of in Washington DC and Boston.
Being chosen to be one of the hundreds of Field Advocates to go and speak with lawmakers about the AFSP was truly an honor. For 4 days, I was able to learn so much about our mission, and the bills our organization is working to get put into law to help those with mental illness.
The first day, I was extremely nervous. I know I was there with so many people who have experienced the same things as I have, but I was still afraid. I still have this feeling like I am not "worthy," if that is event the appropriate word, of being there. Many of those who I was there with have lost friends/family or even attempted. Whereas I have only had suicidal ideation. It's weird I know, but to know that they have gone through more made me feel like I shouldn't have been there. However that changed almost immediately.
During the Forum's meet and greet, we were all asked to stand one at a time, and explain why we were a part of the organization. So many people I found had similar stories as I did. The feeling of hopelessness. Unending sadness. It was all okay though, because we were in a safe place to talk about it, where others have obviously been where we have at some point.
As the days went on, I met so many amazing people. It felt so good to be able to talk to people about my experience and hear theirs' with no judgment. No questions. Just understanding. I was also so relieved to speak with people who were able to help me put in to words the feelings I had. It's always been quite difficult to explain it to people. So to hear from others with a better understanding was quite remarkable.
On the day we got to go speak with lawmakers, it was hot and absolutely miserable. My feet had swollen, and blistered beyond belief in my shoes. I had sweat through my dress, and my makeup was all smeared off by the time I reached my first meeting.
Even so, our message was strong, and we got it through to many of the people with spoke with. Of course there was one who just didn't get it and said he was focused on other things, but hey, you can't win them all.
After all the business end of stuff was done, I made sure I gave myself enough time to wander around the Capitol. I am such a huge fan of history, more being around it then just learning about it. So to be able to walk from the Capitol Building, down the National Mall, and hit all the amazing museums and iconic monuments was mind-blowing.
I was able to knock off quite a few things from my bucket list on this trip. The Smithsonian, the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial. My heart was just filled with so much pride. Seeing where our nation grew from, just unbelievable.
Next I went back to Boston for the 16-mile Out of the Darkness Walk for the AFSP. Mom and dad came out to be with me for it which was such a nice touch to the emotional event. I was so lucky to have such an amazing team by my side as well. Not just on the trail, but across the country. So many friends kept sending me messages of love and encouragement as we were walking. There were so many people too out along the path cheering us on.
At the beginning, Carlos Arredondo and his wife Melida help up a sign of encouragement. We also walked by several houses where people were sitting on their porches with candles and pictures of those they had lost, saying thank you to us for all we were doing to raise awareness. And the hugs! So many hugs from people who were also glad that we were out there doing something for the cause.
All the love was especially needed as the weather got so rough. The AFSP actually had to cut 3 miles off the walk because the weather was expected to get so treacherous at the height of the walk. At least in the beginning it was glorious. Chilly, but perfect for a long walk. But as the night went on, the winds picked up, rain started to pour down, and the temperature dropped dramatically. However our team pushed on... and we made it to the end. Granted I started talking to myself to keep myself going, at least I made Serpa giggle when she heard me saying under my breath, "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."
For me, the cold, wind and rain made it almost more symbolic. We were walking to raise awareness for mental illness and suicide prevention. The darkness, the pain, the loneliness though we were with thousands of people. It felt exactly as how I have always felt with my depression. And to myself I just kept saying, "I am in pain... but I am here." I am here because I was lucky and found help when I was at my worst.
Walking for roughly 14 miles in that crap weather was nothing compared to the pain I have felt for 31 years of my life. Making it through that without quitting to me, was just like how I have pushed myself to make it through life. Though it was shitty, I knew it would be over, and I would still be here, and tomorrow would be a new day.
I want to thank all my teammates and those who stepped in to be with us for coming out and helping with the cause. You are all such amazing people, and I couldn't have made it through the night without you and your strength pushing me on.
I would also like to thank all my friends who I was able to see while back in Bean Town. I miss you all so much and to be able to come and see you guys was such a joy and filled my heart with so much happiness. I cannot begin to tell you all how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Thank you all for being amazing people and being in my life.
Being chosen to be one of the hundreds of Field Advocates to go and speak with lawmakers about the AFSP was truly an honor. For 4 days, I was able to learn so much about our mission, and the bills our organization is working to get put into law to help those with mental illness.
The first day, I was extremely nervous. I know I was there with so many people who have experienced the same things as I have, but I was still afraid. I still have this feeling like I am not "worthy," if that is event the appropriate word, of being there. Many of those who I was there with have lost friends/family or even attempted. Whereas I have only had suicidal ideation. It's weird I know, but to know that they have gone through more made me feel like I shouldn't have been there. However that changed almost immediately.
During the Forum's meet and greet, we were all asked to stand one at a time, and explain why we were a part of the organization. So many people I found had similar stories as I did. The feeling of hopelessness. Unending sadness. It was all okay though, because we were in a safe place to talk about it, where others have obviously been where we have at some point.
As the days went on, I met so many amazing people. It felt so good to be able to talk to people about my experience and hear theirs' with no judgment. No questions. Just understanding. I was also so relieved to speak with people who were able to help me put in to words the feelings I had. It's always been quite difficult to explain it to people. So to hear from others with a better understanding was quite remarkable.
On the day we got to go speak with lawmakers, it was hot and absolutely miserable. My feet had swollen, and blistered beyond belief in my shoes. I had sweat through my dress, and my makeup was all smeared off by the time I reached my first meeting.
Even so, our message was strong, and we got it through to many of the people with spoke with. Of course there was one who just didn't get it and said he was focused on other things, but hey, you can't win them all.
After all the business end of stuff was done, I made sure I gave myself enough time to wander around the Capitol. I am such a huge fan of history, more being around it then just learning about it. So to be able to walk from the Capitol Building, down the National Mall, and hit all the amazing museums and iconic monuments was mind-blowing.
I was able to knock off quite a few things from my bucket list on this trip. The Smithsonian, the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial. My heart was just filled with so much pride. Seeing where our nation grew from, just unbelievable.
At the beginning, Carlos Arredondo and his wife Melida help up a sign of encouragement. We also walked by several houses where people were sitting on their porches with candles and pictures of those they had lost, saying thank you to us for all we were doing to raise awareness. And the hugs! So many hugs from people who were also glad that we were out there doing something for the cause.All the love was especially needed as the weather got so rough. The AFSP actually had to cut 3 miles off the walk because the weather was expected to get so treacherous at the height of the walk. At least in the beginning it was glorious. Chilly, but perfect for a long walk. But as the night went on, the winds picked up, rain started to pour down, and the temperature dropped dramatically. However our team pushed on... and we made it to the end. Granted I started talking to myself to keep myself going, at least I made Serpa giggle when she heard me saying under my breath, "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."
For me, the cold, wind and rain made it almost more symbolic. We were walking to raise awareness for mental illness and suicide prevention. The darkness, the pain, the loneliness though we were with thousands of people. It felt exactly as how I have always felt with my depression. And to myself I just kept saying, "I am in pain... but I am here." I am here because I was lucky and found help when I was at my worst. 
Walking for roughly 14 miles in that crap weather was nothing compared to the pain I have felt for 31 years of my life. Making it through that without quitting to me, was just like how I have pushed myself to make it through life. Though it was shitty, I knew it would be over, and I would still be here, and tomorrow would be a new day.I want to thank all my teammates and those who stepped in to be with us for coming out and helping with the cause. You are all such amazing people, and I couldn't have made it through the night without you and your strength pushing me on.
I would also like to thank all my friends who I was able to see while back in Bean Town. I miss you all so much and to be able to come and see you guys was such a joy and filled my heart with so much happiness. I cannot begin to tell you all how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Thank you all for being amazing people and being in my life.
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