All I can say is... what a week. Extreme highs as well as lows.
One of the highs was going out to dinner with my siblings this week. I had a Groupon for one of my favorite places that was about to expire and figured it would be perfect to get us together. Sadly my brother Phil had work, but Jay, Megan, Dani and Raegan came out. We had great food and conversation. We attempted to teach Rae about "double dipping," but children always find a way to work around the rules... or just sneak a double dip while we were talking. It was great though to just get out, have a drink, and catch up at one of my favorite places.
The biggest reason I wanted a night out with them is because of work. It's to the point where I don't feel like I can work there without it deeply impacting my mental health. The constant issues with my manager are becoming too much for me to bear. The other day I had a breakdown with my family. It's difficult to work somewhere when you are being judged every second. I never had anything like this in Boston. The amount of "problems" this manager finds with my shows is ridiculous. It also brings you down so much that you basically just want to give up.
I love what I do. I love who I work with. However this is bringing me down so much I have fallen into a depression pit. I don't want to go to work. I end up sleeping all day. It's difficult because I know my track record, and I know where this could go.
As for now, I'm going to try my best to make it through. I finally have health insurance and am in the process of finding a therapist to get back to good. However I can already tell this is going to take a lot out of me.
In hopes of finding something good there, I began talking to a coworker about going out one night which happened this Friday. I met them after their night side shift at a bar in Downtown Toledo. The 6 of us had such a blast. It felt so much like Tuesdays with my F25 Family. Though there wasn't karaoke, we did hit up the jukebox with some of our favorites while we all got to know each other better. Being able to see the good of the job made me feel like if I just hold out, maybe it'll get better. Either way, I can have a blast with these wonderful people until then.
With only 1.5 hours of sleep, I then went over to my brother Phil's for a day on the boat with the family. Part of the reason I couldn't sleep was because Ruby was finally back from her weeks long vacation with her mom. I miss the girls so much when I don't get to see them, and having just moved back from Boston, I want to be able to spend as much time with them as possible.
Out on the water with all of them was such a blast. Ruby got to use the new water tube Phil bought them. She bit it hard her first time out, but damn she did well staying calm til we swung back around to get her. I then rode with her once, then Rae. Rae's ride was much slower of course, but she was so excited to have her own "boat." Throughout the day, more people joined us. Dani's brother Jake and his wife Lacey with their daughter Katelyn. Then Dani's friend Liz. It was just a blast!
After fun in the sun, we went back to Phil and Dani's. I bought us a pizza dinner, and then we all cuddled up and watched "Inside Out." It was a great way to end the day with the kiddos.
On the way back home, I turned on my Lucius album since I hadn't listened to the whole thing in a while. Driving through the back roads back home, my favorite song came on, the one that helped get me through the worst of my depression, and I couldn't help but cry. It was one of those moments where I began to think of all I would have missed if I wasn't here. How happy I am to be back home. Though I may be going through difficult times with my job and miss F25 insanely, I'm not here for the job. I'm here for my family, because I know how bad I was without them.
It also solidified my want to go out and tell my story. I want to let others know that they are not alone. Teach others that mental illness is natural... that they can overcome the pain... and that life is worth it.
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