Time to Help Make a Change

Since the death of Robin Williams, I feel that there has been more verbalization about the impact depression and suicide has on people. Just the other day, I had to write a story at work about a new study that hit pretty close to home.

In earlier posts, I discussed how I never realized that the constant chatter in my head was not normal. I always was thinking about the past, about the future, dwelling on the tiniest things 24/7. The study found that young adults who had suffered depression when they were younger, were found to have "hyper-connectivity" between their emotional and cognitive parts of their brains. Basically meaning they over think things, without ever finding a solution. Not only that, but in people who have previously suffered from depression, it increases their chances of their depression reoccurring.

This all completely made sense to me. Why? Because this has been the way I have lived my entire life. I constantly over thought things. Never let things go. Always tried to find a solution to problems that weren't solvable. Even thinking about how if I had just done something different in the past, maybe my circumstances would be different now.

The really good thing though, the researchers who found this correlation in the brain of depressed people believe they can use it to better understand the illness. Even find new ways to predict, prevent, and treat depression.

All of this constant attention on the issue of depression lately has made me really want to get out there and do what I can to help others. I obviously am taking the time to speak about my journey here with all of you, but I want to do more.

Everyone has been doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenges lately, and the organization has had an astronomical amount of donations coming in. Then I saw this:

Yes, each of these illnesses is serious. Yes, they all deserve their donations. But it was the difference between deaths to donations that got me. There is barely anything going to suicide prevention. We need to do more than just share the Suicide Prevention Hotline for people to call. More must be done.

That's when it hit me. I want to help raise money for mental illness research. Looking around I found the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The AFSP is the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide. This was just what I was looking for. 

Through their website, I was able to find several walks near my home that I can participate in to help the cause. Sadly, all the walks this year are when I'm scheduled to work. There is one event I have requested information for, and I really hope I can participate. It is the "Out of the Darkness Overnight." They choose two cities each year, one from each coast, and thousands of people take to the streets to walk 16-18 miles. The walk goes through the night, from dusk until dawn. It is meant to "help break the silence and bring the issues of depression and suicide into the light."

This is what I want to do. The walks may be done for this year, but I signed up to be sent information for when next year's walks are finalized. I want to help others like me get the help they need. See that even the person with a smile all the time, is in just as much pain if not more than those who outwardly show their suffering. I've been there. I understand. I am making my mission to help. One day at a time.

Everything Will Be Okay

Even with help, the thoughts still come through. I feel like I have been doing well with therapy and meds, but I can already tell my dosage needs to be increased. I am happy. My head stills seems clear. However I recently have been having my thoughts. Nothing bad. Just they sneak in there. I at least understand my disorder and can tell myself that it's just the depression. Still, it doesn't make it any easier.

Since being diagnosed, I have been on three different medications... each time testing out variations of dosages. That got me thinking, how long will this last? If I'm already feeling like something needs to change with my meds again, will this be my life? Moments of feeling good on a medication, thinking everything is alright, then months down the line it either loses its potency or makes me sick. 

I know it helps. I understand the need to be on medication in my condition, but it doesn't mean I like it. And it really scares me that this is my life. But I want to be here, and know that this is what I have to do to keep the thoughts at bay. To keep my focus. 

Speaking of focus, work could not be any better! My EP just told me yesterday the tentative schedule for me when she goes on her maternity leave. If all pulls through, I'll be producing the Saturday 6p show starting in October. Yes, it's only temporary, but hot damn is it amazing! I have only produced a few times, but it is definitely what I want to do. It is both thrilling and terrifying, but the more I do it, the easier it is getting, and my confidence with my choices for a show is definitely getting better. Also, I have been trained by such an amazing team of people, there was really no way I could fail. 

I cannot express how grateful I am to have been given such opportunities in my life. I took a chance on myself, picked up my life, and left everything I knew and loved in Michigan without really knowing what would happen. The thing is, it has turned into the best thing that could have ever happened to me. 

It's so funny. While thinking of how my life had changed since moving here on the drive home last night, I just so happened to see a shooting star. I have seen lots of them since living here. Thinking back, I couldn't remember if I had noticed so many when I lived in Michigan. Then shortly after that, I saw another! Two in 30 minutes. I am a person who believes in signs. Those, just solidified what I already was feeling... that everything will be okay.

Getting Back to the Habit... of Writing

The Happy Couple

There is so much to be grateful for everyday. I would like to get back to remembering that. So let's get started.

I am so thankful to have the most amazing friends ever. Last Wednesday I ventured out to Seattle to see a friend I have not seen in more than 15 years! Dani was a fellow dancer at the studio my brother Phil and I use to go to. Through the years we gradually slipped away from each other, but never out of each others hearts. Thanks to the glory of Facebook, Mom and Dani found each other... and we were all connected again.

Our Family!

Recently Dani and his partner Marlon decided to get married after 10 years of being together. Needless to say we were all excited for them, but even more so after they invited us out to Seattle for the wedding. Mom and I stayed out there for 5 days. We helped prep, helped style, helped keep Dani relaxed. Most importantly, we let him know he was loved.

In the end, we met so many amazing people, reconnected with Dani, finally got to meet the man who has made his life more meaningful, and witnessed one of the most beautiful, meaningful weddings I've ever experienced. It was spiritual, full of love, and so intimate. Many tears were shed over how wonderful that ceremony was. I'm so glad to know that Dani is loved by so many, but honestly it's not that hard to believe. He is such a beautiful soul. :)

Momma and Me

On top of all the fun wedding stuff, I got to spend quality time with my momma. We checked out Pike's Place, hit the Seattle Space Needle, checked out the amazing works of glass artist Chihuly. It was the perfect little getaway to catch up, and get some much needed momma hugs.

The Awesome Wedding Cake

On Sunday, it was time to head back home, but to more wonderful times. The Jaberpas were sweet enough to pick me up at the airport and bring me back to The Commune. What was best about the night though was that just like a family, we all gathered to eat, drink, and watch TV together.

Honestly, it's what I've been hoping for by moving in to the apartment above my friends. Living alone for so long in the Watertown apartment was a bit unnerving, especially when you are left to your own thoughts... and they are usually dark. Now I'm able to see my friends, even if just for a second throughout the day. Knowing that I now have a roommate, and right downstairs my two dearest friends is really quite a relief.

Now we come to Monday. One thing I haven't told you about is that I am now producing at work. Still a writer, but filling in when help is needed. I cannot express how much I love it! Anyhoo... I came in to work following my vacation to hear from my Executive Producer Kimmy that when she heads out for her maternity leave, my schedule is going to get shifted a bit so I can help out more producing. My mind exploded! As I said earlier, I cannot express how much I love to produce, and being in a field where I have the opportunity to learn and work with such amazing people is more than remarkable.

Everyday is a blessing in its own way. Something new is always right around the corner... we all just need to remember that.

It's Official! 

Helping Prep

Chihuly and the Space Needle

Chihuly!!

Chihuly and the Space Needle

You're Not Alone

So it's been a while since I wrote, but not uneventful.

Obviously the world was shocked at the unexpected death of Robin Williams. Though devastating to lose such a talent, it has brought awareness to depression. The disease that sadly led him to take his own life. The night of his death, it hit me pretty hard. In fact, many of my friends who suffer from depression also spoke of how it impacted them, because we've all had that feeling before. The feeling of wanting to die.

Depression doesn't always lead to suicidal thoughts, but when they occur, it's scary. You feel helpless. Unloved. Unwanted. Like nothing you ever do is good enough. And it doesn't matter how many people you had supporting you, the feeling is there. It mutes out everything. I can sit here and write out the feeling of being trapped in a world where the sound of hatred and despair surround you, but it does not even graze the surface.

When I was first diagnosed, I couldn't believe it. How could I be clinically depressed? However, it began to make sense. Major Depression is defined as such, "A constant sense of hopelessness and despair is a sign you may have major depression, also known as clinical depression. With major depression, it may be difficult to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy friends and activities. Some people have clinical depression only once in their life, while others have it several times in a lifetime."

My every waking moment was consumed with such feelings. Not knowing that it was from a disease, I thought these feelings were normal. Believed everyone felt this way. Boy was I wrong.

Once I was diagnosed and began treatment through therapy and medication, everything changed. When I finally got on the right combination, I was able to think clearly. All of a sudden the loud voices and constant nagging in my head went away. It was so astonishing to be able to sit with friends, enjoy conversation, and not have anything get in the way of just enjoying the moment. Clarity was something that I had never had. No matter what I was doing, there was always the thoughts clouding my mind. Never could I focus on what was going on. Now, I can.

I'm not saying that I don't sometimes feel those moments. There are never fully gone, but at least now I know what it is, and I try can handle it. I know to tell myself it'll be fleeting, and it's only my depression talking.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know it is hard. I know it can feel helpless. And though we all deal with things differently, this is how I deal with mine, and I hope it can give someone an idea of how they may be able to help themselves. That though you feel alone, you're actually not. There will always be someone there to help you out. Someone will always listen. And I understand it's hard to hear someone say this when you feel as you do, but you are honestly not alone.

If this has gone on a random way, I apologize. I'm jet-lagged and been meaning to get this down. So I'm just spewing it out. I just felt it needed to be said. Though you feel you're alone, you're not. There are many of us fighting this battle. We can get through this.