Everything Will Be Okay

Even with help, the thoughts still come through. I feel like I have been doing well with therapy and meds, but I can already tell my dosage needs to be increased. I am happy. My head stills seems clear. However I recently have been having my thoughts. Nothing bad. Just they sneak in there. I at least understand my disorder and can tell myself that it's just the depression. Still, it doesn't make it any easier.

Since being diagnosed, I have been on three different medications... each time testing out variations of dosages. That got me thinking, how long will this last? If I'm already feeling like something needs to change with my meds again, will this be my life? Moments of feeling good on a medication, thinking everything is alright, then months down the line it either loses its potency or makes me sick. 

I know it helps. I understand the need to be on medication in my condition, but it doesn't mean I like it. And it really scares me that this is my life. But I want to be here, and know that this is what I have to do to keep the thoughts at bay. To keep my focus. 

Speaking of focus, work could not be any better! My EP just told me yesterday the tentative schedule for me when she goes on her maternity leave. If all pulls through, I'll be producing the Saturday 6p show starting in October. Yes, it's only temporary, but hot damn is it amazing! I have only produced a few times, but it is definitely what I want to do. It is both thrilling and terrifying, but the more I do it, the easier it is getting, and my confidence with my choices for a show is definitely getting better. Also, I have been trained by such an amazing team of people, there was really no way I could fail. 

I cannot express how grateful I am to have been given such opportunities in my life. I took a chance on myself, picked up my life, and left everything I knew and loved in Michigan without really knowing what would happen. The thing is, it has turned into the best thing that could have ever happened to me. 

It's so funny. While thinking of how my life had changed since moving here on the drive home last night, I just so happened to see a shooting star. I have seen lots of them since living here. Thinking back, I couldn't remember if I had noticed so many when I lived in Michigan. Then shortly after that, I saw another! Two in 30 minutes. I am a person who believes in signs. Those, just solidified what I already was feeling... that everything will be okay.