Brave

This past week has been a complete cluster. My mind has been giving me grief. I feel like people have let me down, and vice versa. Then my body turned on me from the exhaustion leading to a Strep diagnosis. Luckily for me, I have incredible friends who have been there to help me push through.

Last weekend, I produced my last shows at work for the time being. It was hectic, and add on my depression… no bueno. I felt absolutely overwhelmed. My self-esteem was so low that I could not focus, and did nothing but doubt everything I did. That feeling would just not go away.

By Monday, I could not hold in my emotions. I cried all the way to work, and broke down silently several times during my shift. My coworker Marissa asked me during the day how I was doing, and I broke down to her. So we decided to meet up after work.

The two of us have had some hard times lately, so it was good for the both of us to have the opportunity to vent. I picked her up at her house and took her to a nearby bar we both enjoy. I told her about my problems, and she told me about hers. It was great to be able to let it out. Just being able to voice things, no matter how ridiculous you know they are, to just verbalize those feelings really takes the weight of it off your mind.

To me, the best part was a moment I had with Marissa where she was able to understand my depression. I have been doing this blog to try to get people to understand. So sitting there with her and seeing that it can be done was ineffable. There is something in everyone’s life where they have been able to feel what I have felt, even for just a moment. So when she realized it and could describe it, I just sat there and cried.

Marissa has been a strong supporter of my efforts to tell the world about my illness. She herself is a strong soul who cares about people, and works hard to try and make the world a better place as much as she can. There have been a number of days where I have told her my ideas on ways to help, or things I’ve done or will be doing for the AFSP and she is always so enthusiastic.

I remember one day she sent me a series of texts after reading through my blog for the first time. She told me how she was in awe of me, and couldn’t believe how brave I was to speak so frankly about my illness. These are words she continues to use when I ask her to check letters I plan on sending for the AFSP, or tell her about things I want to do to help.

Brave. That’s a word I never thought would be used to describe me… EVER! Now it seems to be a word that continues to pop up. It’s now time that I begin to believe in myself.

Fresh New Start

I hope everyone had a wonderful beginning to 2015. I know I certainly did.

Hit up NYC with my friend Marissa. We went to Matty's place in Brooklyn and then hit up his sister's apartment a little ways down the road. It was such a blast. So many new wonderful people we met. I got to meet Matt's sisters... terrifying yet also amazing. (Come on it's always a little scary meeting the new man's fam)

I was so excited because not only did Kate have a beautiful apartment and kick ass party spread... her apartment's roof looked out over the city! So we rang in 2015 from there, popping bottles of champagne, lighting sparklers, and watching the fireworks over Brooklyn and the Statue of Liberty. It was so heartwarming to be there with all those wonderful people, sharing the start of something new.

You always start off a new year hopeful that things will be better than the year before. Most of the time thinking they obviously can't get worse right? I plan on making this year better, and actively engaging in making the best of it.

 Here's what I'm looking forward to accepting/accomplishing for 2015:

• I will be happy in the place I work.
• I will be who I am, no matter the flaws, because that's what makes me perfect.
• I will help others who feel alone in this battle with depression.
• I will make my story heard.
• I will turn my struggles into my strength.
• I will fight harder for those who never got the chance to be heard.

2014 was a pretty intense and gratifying year. I learned. I loved. I lost. I won. As each day went by, my vision of the future became clearer, which is especially nice as I always lived in the past. I found people who I could share my story with. A way to use my pain as a source of knowledge to those who do not understand the plight. I have met people this year who have given me the strength to try. The feeling that I am making a difference in a way I never would have imagined.

I am thankful for you 2014, but we are done. Now it’s time to start anew, but you’ll always be a big part of my life.