You're Not Alone

So it's been a while since I wrote, but not uneventful.

Obviously the world was shocked at the unexpected death of Robin Williams. Though devastating to lose such a talent, it has brought awareness to depression. The disease that sadly led him to take his own life. The night of his death, it hit me pretty hard. In fact, many of my friends who suffer from depression also spoke of how it impacted them, because we've all had that feeling before. The feeling of wanting to die.

Depression doesn't always lead to suicidal thoughts, but when they occur, it's scary. You feel helpless. Unloved. Unwanted. Like nothing you ever do is good enough. And it doesn't matter how many people you had supporting you, the feeling is there. It mutes out everything. I can sit here and write out the feeling of being trapped in a world where the sound of hatred and despair surround you, but it does not even graze the surface.

When I was first diagnosed, I couldn't believe it. How could I be clinically depressed? However, it began to make sense. Major Depression is defined as such, "A constant sense of hopelessness and despair is a sign you may have major depression, also known as clinical depression. With major depression, it may be difficult to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy friends and activities. Some people have clinical depression only once in their life, while others have it several times in a lifetime."

My every waking moment was consumed with such feelings. Not knowing that it was from a disease, I thought these feelings were normal. Believed everyone felt this way. Boy was I wrong.

Once I was diagnosed and began treatment through therapy and medication, everything changed. When I finally got on the right combination, I was able to think clearly. All of a sudden the loud voices and constant nagging in my head went away. It was so astonishing to be able to sit with friends, enjoy conversation, and not have anything get in the way of just enjoying the moment. Clarity was something that I had never had. No matter what I was doing, there was always the thoughts clouding my mind. Never could I focus on what was going on. Now, I can.

I'm not saying that I don't sometimes feel those moments. There are never fully gone, but at least now I know what it is, and I try can handle it. I know to tell myself it'll be fleeting, and it's only my depression talking.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know it is hard. I know it can feel helpless. And though we all deal with things differently, this is how I deal with mine, and I hope it can give someone an idea of how they may be able to help themselves. That though you feel alone, you're actually not. There will always be someone there to help you out. Someone will always listen. And I understand it's hard to hear someone say this when you feel as you do, but you are honestly not alone.

If this has gone on a random way, I apologize. I'm jet-lagged and been meaning to get this down. So I'm just spewing it out. I just felt it needed to be said. Though you feel you're alone, you're not. There are many of us fighting this battle. We can get through this.