Progress

So we are on what... day 85 now?  Honestly I'm losing count!  Looking back at what I have written in these 80-some-odd days, I can see the progress I have made.  From starting this as a daily reminder of the little things in life, to full blown articles of the EPIC adventures I have had with friends and family.  Seriously... I have blown my own mind with my progress.

I plan on continuing to write in this as often as possible.  Granted I would love to write in it daily as I promised myself I would do, but sometimes life is just moving too fast to get it all down... and I would rather be out there enjoying it.

As I grow from my experiences, I still value the past, but am anxiously awaiting the future while enjoying the present.  Something I must say was very difficult for me before.  I was so focused on past experiences and working my way to the future I thought was best for me, that I was missing out on all that was right there in front of me.  That was a normal part of life for me, and it wasn't til a recent event in my life that made me realize, that wasn't how life should be.

That event... a break up.  Yes, love comes and goes, but this was particularly hard.  We had been together nearly a year.  A relationship neither of us expected to get that far.  We both weren't looking for anything, especially as he was determined to head off to Japan to get his degree.  But you can't deny love, and we fell hard.

Six months later, he got the news.  He had been accepted, and my heart sank.  When we first began dating, we had discussed what would become of us if this happened.  That decision... we were going to end our relationship.  He knew he needed to focus on his studies, and I knew I couldn't handle a long-distance relationship.  But as we discussed the situation through the night, we both realized we didn't want to to break-up, and we decided to stick together.  He told me he would come home to visit during breaks, and that as we had both never felt so strongly for another... we felt we could make it.

That July we moved into an apartment together and spent our last month before his flight out to Tokyo just enjoying everyday together.  He left in August.  The overflow of emails and texts daily soon turned into rare treats as the month progressed.  Our Skype conversations turned into more of a hassle with his busy school schedule and the 13-hour difference between us.  I eventually was consumed with only thinking the worst and couldn't enjoy life.

Then it happened... we decided to end it.  More him than me.  He couldn't stand seeing me suffer and the physical toll it took on me.  Though the love was still there, we just couldn't be for both our benefits.  Knowing that I had what I felt was perfect just go away... it made me feel like I didn't matter.  It seemed like it was so easy for him to let me go, and I couldn't do anything but hold on and hope.  Hope that he would realize I was worth the effort.  But I started to feel that I wasn't worth it either.

Instead of him coming to some sort of realization though... it was me who discovered something.  This is when I realized I had more problems than just dealing with the sadness of a break up.  My sadness had been there all along.  I had depression, and it was deeply-seated.  It wasn't til I finally admitted how bad I felt to a friend that she helped me realize I needed help... and fast.  Help before I could make my bleak thoughts a reality.

I sought out help and can say I'm doing better.  I see things differently and am learning to take life one day at a time.  I have learned that it is all about living in the moment... and just letting life lead me to where ever the hell I'm gonna end up.

I can't control anything... no one can.  Nor should we try.  I am just thankful I have learned I have a wonderful support system.  It is because of my friends and family I am here.  They always saw who I was.  I just wish I listened to them sooner.

So here is where we get inspirational.  I noticed a theme today all over... from Facebook to Twitter.  Work to home.  Everyone I knew was posting quotes or songs.  Things that inspired them.  Things that brought them joy.

So taking this lead I figured why not see what inspires you.  Whether it be a phrase, a song, a person, an object, a memory... let it out! 

I'm just gonna toss out some quotes and songs that I often think of.  Not just for inspiration, but life in general.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
~ Dr. Seuss

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ― Marilyn Monroe

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

"If you only have one smile to give, give it to the people you love."
~ Maya Angelou

“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.” ― Walt Whitman

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.” ― Walt Whitman

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.” ― Lewis Carroll

"When life give you a hundred reasons to cry, 
Show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."~ Unknown

"Everything in life is temporary.
So if things are going good, enjoy it,
because it won't last forever.
And if things are going bad,
don't worry, it can't last forever either."~ Unknown

Now for a beautiful song a friend sent to me tonight.  I think everyone can agree this is how it feels sometimes.