This is How It Feels

When I began this blog, it was a way for me to focus on the good in life during a very dark time. One good thing a day. That's all I wanted. Instead, this has turned into so much more.

I have recently been hearing a lot of positive feedback about the blog from people who read it, even those who don't. After writing Nothing to Fear, several people sent me messages. Many expressing their fears. How they too feel the same way I do.

Hearing from them felt almost uplifting. Not only did I feel a sense of support, but also that what I was writing may be helping other people. That maybe letting people in to what I face daily with my depression, could help others.

It was something I had never thought of until the other day at work. I was talking with my coworker Joe about how our blogs have been doing. A fellow coworker named Nicole overheard and asked what we were discussing. We told her and when she asked what they were about, she was shocked to hear mine was about my battle with clinical depression. Her face, struck with awe as she told me how "brave" I was to write about this. To let people in to something that is almost always a private fight. Telling me, "That's a strong thing to do."

I know I'm not the first to do this. Certainly won't be the last. I too was once moved by someone who I heard speak on the issue. Her name is Allie Brosh. She writes a humorous, autobiographical comic about her life, which of course includes her battle. I first heard her talk on NPR driving in to work one day. It was all light-hearted and fun in the beginning, but when she began to speak of her depression, it really hit me. I remember sitting in my car in the parking lot at work crying. I was completely moved hearing her describe the emptiness, helplessness, darkness of depression. Allie was saying everything I could never admit about my own pain. What it feels like. How you don't want to tell anyone. How there is no cause and effect to how you feel... it's just there.

Here is an excerpts from her interview on Fresh Air that really struck a chord:

GROSS: You write, some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. Were you trying to figure out why you were depressed and not coming up with a reason?

BROSH: You know, I think that there's a common misconception that depression is about something, or depression is sadness or some form of negativity. And it can represent a sadness or a self-loathing, as the first half of my depression did. And it actually contributed more - it sort of circled back on itself and made me dislike myself more because I was so sad, and I didn't know why, and I felt like I needed a reason.

You know, I would think, you know, there are people who have it much worse than me. I actually have a great life. Why am I feeling like this? Why can't I enjoy this? Why can't I feel happy, like I feel I should be? And it took me a long time to figure out that it was just - something was broken on a fundamental level. It wasn't - there was no reason behind it. It was just the way things were, the way my brain was at that point.

In the end, we all fight our own battles. Some quietly, others more loudly. I once was one of the quiet ones. Hard to believe I know. In fact, my friends and I would laugh when I would finally cry because my tears would only come from my left eye. Something we said was due to me holding back all the time, trying to be strong for others. But don't worry. I'm letting go, and letting the tears flow from both eyes now. And letting you in during the process.

Note: If you would like to hear Fresh Air's interview with Allie Brosh (I highly recommend it!), you can find that at the link below.

http://www.npr.org/2013/11/12/244758140/even-when-it-hurts-alot-brosh-faces-life-with-plenty-of-hyperbole