Nothing to Fear

I have many fears. Most of them are what consume the better part of my day. What feeds my depression.

I'm afraid of failure. Afraid of being alone. Afraid I'll never be loved. I'm afraid I'll let everyone down. Afraid they'll think I'm dumb or not good enough. Afraid that I will fall too deep, and just be hurt like before.

These thoughts stop me so many times from taking chances. But what is chance without taking that first, scary step of trying?

The biggest step I've overcome is putting myself out their. Speaking my mind. I know most who know me would not believe that I am actually extremely shy, but I am. Mostly for the simple fact that I am afraid of being judged. Afraid of what you'll think of me. Afraid that when I finally take that chance, I'll just be let down like always.

Though the fear is always there, it's when I look back that my biggest accomplishments where taken when I was most afraid. Hell I was horrified when I decided to move to Boston, but I knew that if I didn't do something, I would continue to stay at the jobs I was holding down, with no upward motion, and still barely get by.

It was fear that led me to some of the best people I know. It was fear that guides my heart to the things I want most. And though it hurts, I at least learn from trying and taking on those challenges.

Tonight, I completed a fear I have been holding on to, and one that should not be a fear at all. Tonight I sat down and wrote a letter to Anna's parents. Yes, the same letter I told you a year ago I was planning on writing. In fact, I had written it in an email to myself shortly after I wrote that blog post. But I never wrote it out. I'd stare at it sometimes, thinking that I should finally put pen to paper and tell them how much they all changed my life. However I was afraid that my letter would stir up memories. Maybe make them sad at a moment when they had finally let go and let themselves have a good day without remembering their loss. But after I sat down and poured my heart out onto that sheet of paper, I knew I had done the right thing. My words are not malicious, or painful. I just told them how Anna helped me be the person I am today, that she is a constant presence, that she and them were near and dear to me growing up. There is no reason to think my letter will be taken as anything more than just a letter of love.

Tomorrow, I will send it. I have to. If I don't, I'm afraid another year will pass.

There is so much I still need to work on in my life. Most importantly... allowing myself to not be afraid of feeling. To let myself cry, and stop hiding behind a smile. As they say though, "Slow and steady wins the race."

This song by Lucius has been a recent source of strength for me.

There are two of us on the run

Going so fast, every doubt we had is coming undone

And falling behind with everything we left there

We held on for far too long

And now we pass so many people on the road

They could come along, I wish they'd been told

They may call it a shot in the dark

From what we know, it's not unheard of

And we'll one day tell our story

Of how we made something of ourselves now

Our favorite parts are what we'll keep

Ornamental parts of love and parts of memories

So everything else has room to grow

'Cause in better light, everything changes

So we can one day tell our story

Of how we made something of ourselves now

There's no race, there's only a runner

Just keep one foot in front of the other

There's no race there's only a runner

1, 2, 3 even when you get tired

Just keep one foot in front of the other

There's no race, no ending in sight

No second too short, no window too tight

Just turn off the lights when you leave

'Cause we've got everything we're gonna need

We're on the run, we're on the run, we're on the run child

We gotta run, we gotta run, we gotta run child

One day tell our story

Of how we made something of ourselves now

One day tell our story

Of how we made something

We made something of ourselves