The Ups and Downs

Don't feel like writing, but have to get it out.

Today I had a sit down with our new News Director about my interest in producing. As you can probably guess, it didn't go too well. In fact, it kind of irritated me.

Not going to go into detail, but it started with him snidely asking why I wanted to be a producer "now." As in my decision was random and only just came to me. I politely, yet firmly told him this wasn't an "on the whim" decision, I've wanted to be a producer for a while, and my EP and our old News Director knew it. I went on to say they supported it, and that's why I had been trained and allowed to fill in. He then went on to basically tell me he would be rotating out most of our current producers, and he'd be bringing in new people.

It was just not something I had expected today. And the news was obviously disheartening. All of us love what we do, and we admittedly say how much we love working together, We are like a legit family. However with the way things have been going lately, we don't know how long we will all be together. Which is sad because the new company seems so awesome to work for, but the decisions being made by the news director are really taking a toll on all of us. Several backhanded comments. Snide remarks. Just not a nice environment to work in right now. And it isn't just me, a lot of us are feeling it.

My chest has physically hurt since talking with him. Just a weight of anxiety and sadness. And wroth all the new stuff we are having to do, with a VERY limited staff, taking a Clonapen is completely out of the question. So there I am, left with dread in my heart, trying to help my friends as much as I can, with what little I feel like I can give at this moment.

And when it rains, it pours. The Ferguson ruling was made tonight. Riots everywhere. Angry calls, emails, messages. Buildings being burned, property destroyed, people hurt. The images, just so shocking. I knew that no matter what the decision was going to be from the grand jury, people would not be happy. But it never makes sense to follow violence with violence. I just hope it all ends soon.

So with my heavy heart, I will now go to sleep. Hope for a better day tomorrow. Focus on remaining strong to make sure I don't fall back in to my pit.